Six Years In The Making

Well I sort of wanted this last month of blogging to be full of big posts, lots of pictures, an 18 month update about Elliott, a big ol' Christmas post. But oh yeah, I don't have that kind of time. So here's the final post and it is a conglomeration of pictures from this blog and things I have learned in the past 6 years. Not all the things, but the things I can think of. Here we go, starting with the first picture I posted in 2005:

 Erin, Rachel, Jenn and I craftin'

I've owned a lot of iPods 

 The desk where I wrote when I started this blog

1. I am who I am. This one comes first because it has shaped almost every other lesson I've learned. I plan to always grow, mature, become wiser, and with that will bring some change, but, at my core, there are things about me that will never change and those things are ok. Call it my personality, or maybe my nature, I'm not sure the best term for it, but there are things about me that I used to fight. I used to think that some of my inherent qualities that might seem negative, like being bossy, strong-headed, a bit possessive of people I love, stubborn, messy or forgetful, were traits that I needed to work to change and even eliminate if I was going to be the right kind of person. But I've learned that those things are just some of many things that are who I am. And because of that, it would make since that instead of working against them, I could just accept them and understand that those same qualities feed into a lot of good parts about me. Because another way to label those parts of my personality are: bold, quick thinking, discerning, loyal, passionate, idealistic, a "big picture" person, a critical thinker. And people who really love and value me are willing to deal with the negative parts of those traits that may slip in here or there, because they appreciate the positive qualities that they also bring to my life and our friendship. And anyone who doesn't, aka, anyone who tries to get me to change who I really am, is not someone that I need to spend too much time or energy on.

Kitchen remodel at Spencer Estates

 Sofie visiting

2. Mistakes are not the end of the world. Whether it is major or minor, at home, at work, with friends, with family, with co-workers, whatever- there are few mistakes that cannot be fixed, turned around, made better, or at least overcome. I've made big mistakes and small mistakes, mistakes that have cost me money, gotten me in trouble at work, caused me to fail a class in college, hurt people I love, look like an idiot in front of people I respect, broken my heart. And you know what? It always works out. Despite those things I did, I have a roof over my head and everything I need and lots of things I just want, I have a great job, I have a master's degree. The people who love me have forgiven me, the people who don't have moved on with their lives, and the people who respect me have continued to do so. My heart, which has before felt as though it was chopped up into pieces and removed from my body entirely, is not only mended but is so full of love and happiness and joy. I don't want to make mistakes, I don't like to make mistakes, but I know I will, and I don't allow myself to wallow in despair when they happen.

A tri-highlighter, posted for my brother Steve in 2009

 Newborn Van

 The crown at the Paul concert

3. The minute it seems like things are under control, it's pretty likely that all hell is about to break lose. It doesn't matter what those things are. My job, my relationships, my car, and especially any kind of semblance of having my home clean and organized or my routine with Elliott down. So when things seem good and calm and going smoothly, instead of saying to myself "Hey- good job! You fixed everything and now it is smooth sailing!" I try to just say, "Hey! This is good! Enjoy it while you can!". It's just a little trick that helps me deal with the chaos when it comes.

 

 Stalking Garrison Keillor

Magic shoes 

 My baby

 Sofie, Elliott, Van

4. When all else fails, be thankful. I just realized that the first three things I listed have a bit of a theme around the idea of two sides of the same coin. My big life lessons, apparently, have to do with how to merge the negative in life with the positive: ups and downs, ebbs and flows, calm and storm. And even though, in theory, I'm using these lessons to enjoy the awesomeness of life and cope with the crappiness, it is not like I have those things down to a science. Most of these lessons were born from 3 major events in the past 6 years that were really awful and painful. When each happened, I know that I told myself throughout that somehow it would all work out, but each was still just so terrible that they caused weeks and sometimes months of more darkness than light. I made it through each of them, of course, and after the third (which was finding out I was pregnant), I came to a place, once again, where I was really and truly happy.

 And that is true, I was happy, but there was still something else inside of me. Something that was sadness, anger, doubt, and fear mixed together. As I thought about why I had this negativity inside of me I came to realize that a seed of bitterness and resentment had planted deep inside of me when the first of the 3 terrible things happened that never really went away, no matter how good things got. Not only did it not go away, but as bitterness does, it continued to grow and was especially fed in the subsequent events. And although it wasn't always apparent, it was there, like a murky, sludgy river of sewage flowing under a bustling city. It became harder to ignore and finally I came to a place where I didn't want to ignore it anymore because it was kind of stinking up everything for me. I came to that place after Elliott was born. I was just so overwhelmed with happiness that he was here but still feeling this anger and hurt over all that had happened that had brought me to where I was. You might think I could have looked at all of that crap and say, well, there's a reason, and that reason is this baby. But that wasn't enough for me because it seemed too trite and dismissive of what I'd been through. I mean, I really had to go through all of that crap just to meet this beautiful baby? Because I'm pretty sure that I could have bypassed quite a bit of it and still had a baby I loved.

So I had that anger and that bitterness and I realized that I didn't have any answers, and I didn't know how to get them. I'd been searching for years and they just weren't coming, so I doubted that they were even out there. I was tired of doing all of that work just to get to the bottom of why that bitterness existed, and I didn't want to do it anymore. One early morning when he was less than a week old, I knew I had to just be rid of it, but I did not know how. So I sat there, quietly, holding Elliott and rocking him and crying, and I closed my eyes and said the only thing I could think of: "Thank you for this baby". I wasn't expecting that to come out, I wasn't expecting to pray, but that is what happened- that really simple prayer to express the only thing I knew for sure. I was thankful for this baby. I didn't know how to think about all of the other things, I didn't know how to let go of the bitterness and resentment, but I knew how to be thankful.

I've prayed that prayer many, many times over the past 18 months and I can tell you that it has helped tremendously. I have expanded it to many parts of my life- when I get angry that I have rheumatoid arthritis, I tell myself to give thanks for health care and medicine and a husband and boss who are patient and understanding. When I get worried at how being a working mom will affect Elliott, I am thankful that I don't have to work 3 jobs to support him. When I get frustrated at how I work and how I am still not completely financially secure, I am thankful that neither Elliott nor I have ever been hungry, and that I can always buy my son food, clothes, toys and pay for good childcare. It has become my first line of defense and it makes a world of difference. I cannot say that the bitterness is completely gone, but it is as diluted and small and insignificant as it has been in many years. I haven't made any more discoveries about why and how the bitterness came to be or how to get rid of it, it just going away. I'm not even really praying about much else besides my "thank you" prayers. But I don't care about any of that, because this dark, poisonous thing that was keeping me from completely experiencing the joy of this amazing life is going away slowly and surely. When I'm ready to take more or different steps forward, I will know, but for now, this is how I'm getting to where I need to be. If you're stuck somewhere in life, I recommend this route. Just give thanks for whatever you have to whoever you give thanks to. It has done wonders for me.

And there you go- my finals words of wisdom to close out my blog. Thank you, whoever you are, for reading. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being part of this awesome part of my life.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Christmas 2011

It is Christmas Eve, and I think next Christmas I'm going to miss my blog. One of my favorite things about writing on this blog is capturing the few super awesome times like this that come along every year. There are awesome times often, and really great times fairly often, and just plain great times several times a week. Super awesome times, though, come along just sometimes. I like writing about those on my blog. So, maybe I will. Who knows.

One thing that makes this Christmas even more awesome than most Christmases is that it was precluded by my marriage. Yes, folks, Matt and I tied on knot on December 22, at the Hamilton County Municipal Courthouse by the honorable Judge Mallory. It was amazing and beautiful and I cried. Yes, I cried, which is something I do very frequently alone and very rarely when in front of other people. But I was just so damn happy. It was an amazing day, like this:



So now it is Christmas Eve, and we've celebrated Christmas with the extended family on my side. Santa comes tonight and then we head over to Matt's family's house. Elliott has been loving every second of it and I'll show you all of that soon, too. 

Advice from a Blogger

I've been asked multiple times over the years for advice on blog writing, so, as I wrap up my blog I'm going to post here what I've learned about how to blog successfully. I consider my blog to be a success because of how I define a successful blog, and, that is my first piece of advice.

Define success for your blog. For some people, a successful blog is one that they can make money on. How to do that? I have no idea, because, I've never meant for that to be the purpose of this blog. Would that be awesome? Yes. Is that incredibly difficult to do? I can only assume yes, as this blog is fantastic and no one has ever wanted to pay me to write on it. Ha! But seriously. You have to think about how you'll define a successful blog because, if you don't, you won't keep it up, because it won't be serving any kind of purpose for you. Is success getting a bunch of people to read it? Maybe. Is it to reach a certain population? To provide catharsis for you? To stay in touch with friends and family? Whatever it is, figure it out ahead of time.

If you want a lot of people to read your blog, you have to post regularly. That is just the plain and simple truth. There are so many people out there who start a blog, get really excited, write a couple of posts, and then don't touch it for months, then start writing again and no one reads it, then they quit. Even with RSS feeds and things like Google Reader, I think you have to keep posting regularly, if what you want is a large readership. Regularly might mean once a week, or every few days, or even twice a month. But, have some pattern to it so people know when to come back for more. If you don't actually care about having a lot of readers, or regular readers, then randomly post away, but most people, I think, want people to read what they're writing.

Understand that blogging takes time. For me, a really good blog post (or at least one that I think is really good) takes about an hour. A mediocre one takes about 30 minutes. I actually do very little editing, but when I do decide to spend a lot of time on editing, that adds another 30 minutes. Add in uploading photos and you've got another 15 or 20 minutes, since you've got to choose your photos and edit them somewhat. So if you want to write 2 posts a week and one of them has pictures, you're looking at between 2-3 hours per week dedicated to your blog. I used to do a lot of mine during my lunch breaks, but, I don't really take those anymore.

Know what you want to write about. The time commitment outlined above does not include thinking of something to write about. If your blog is just a general "here's what I'm doing", then I would recommend to start looking at your days and your experiences with a different perspective. Think about  how you might describe what you're doing if you were a newspaper reporter, or if you were going to follow it up with an email to a friend. If something is funny or reminds you of something else, tuck that away in your brain. As someone who has a background in English I can tell you that is part skill to be honed and part talent. If you want to write about a certain topic, then I would try to sit down first and make a list of everything you know about that topic, or everything you want to know and figure out if you know enough to be able to write about it for months and months and even years. And then, I would update that list periodically throughout the life of your blog.

Keep in mind that the internet never goes away. Even if you delete a post, it is still out there somewhere, somehow. Think about how public you want to make your blog. Think about what you do for a living, who is in your family, how private do you want to be? If you are a person who is very private then you will have to be very careful about your blog. Some blogs allow you to disable a google search option, but, if you do that then no one will ever stumble across your blog by googling something related. I think that a good rule of thumb is to assume that anyone can find your blog, and think about your content in that light.

Keep in mind that the internet is part of real life. Here's a story- when I was going through my divorce, I didn't write about it on my blog, but I did write that I was dealing with something major and my posting would be light. A friend of mine said that a friend of hers, who I didn't know at all, read my blog regularly and asked her if I was getting a divorce during that time, because they thought something was up and thought that might be it. Now, that didn't upset me, but it did remind me that, hey, people know me in this one certain way and even though I don't know them, knowledge of me and my life exists in the world through this medium.

Do you like to write? If you've read all of this and you're still just not sure whether blogging is for you, this is the final question to ask yourself. Are you a writer? Or have you hated most things in life that required writing, like essays for school or letters to your grandma or research papers or even journals. If you're nodding and saying, "yep, that's me, hate writing", then there is little to no chance you're going to be successful as a blogger, unless your blog is all about something besides writing, like photography or posting your art. But if you like to write then you'll probably do well with blogging. I didn't say if you're a good writer because as I mentioned before, writin is a skill and a talent. Chances are if you like to do it then you have some kind of talent, and skill is improved with practice, which is what you get when you blog.

So there you go- tips for blogging from an amateur blogger with 6 years of blog writing under my belt. I hope if you do it you get as much out of your blog as Ive gotten out of mine.

The End is Near

For anyone who is reading this blog still, after my ignoring it for a solid month for the first time EVER, I have an announcement: at the end of December, I am going to stop blogging. The blog is coming to an end.

It's ok to cry. Just let it all out.

Ok just kidding, except, I have cried about this at least once over the past month. I started wondering about when I'd be done with it sometime this summer, and then feeling more off and on this fall. And then a couple of weeks ago I realized that I was avoiding writing on it for a couple of weeks because it felt like a chore. I mean, I missed posting about my 30th birthday and Elliott being 17 months old. I knew that when that happened, I was right about coming to the end, because I've never wanted it to be a chore.

I have loved writing on this blog. I love to write and I love attention (I can admit it, because it is true), so this has been the perfect marriage of those two. When I started writing, I had just recently learned what a blog was. Now everyone and their grandma has one that they write on at least twice before forgetting about it. But that's not why I'm stopping it, because I have very little aversion to liking trendy things. My life is so incredibly full and wonderful, and also, incredibly busy.

Writing this blog is something that I've always done for me, and also something that I did to be part of a community. I was talking to my friend Jenn last night, and we were remembering how, when a group of us girls started blogging, there was no social networking, so this was the easy way we stayed connected. Now through Facebook we have others ways to stay connected, but I know that I have (or had, prior to last month) a good little collection of readers from all over who read consistently and who I don't know personally. They live in places I've never been and where I don't know anyone (like New Zealand, Alaska, New York, California, to name a few). There was a time when I peaked at around 300 original hits a day, I think somewhere in 2008. For the past couple of years I've been hovering around 80, with about one or two days a week over 100. And whoever those people are, I like that you read. I like that you find something interesting or amusing about my blog and my life and I'm glad it has kept you entertained. I've enjoyed being a part of your community and you being a part of mine, even in this sort of back door way.

I've also loved going back and reading my blog, too. It is wonderful to have such a great record of my life since 2005 (yikes! That's a long time!). And in such a unique way, with pictures and little stories that I probably wouldn't have otherwise remembered in addition to documenting the big things, like holidays or celebrations. I do plan to eventually completely delete it, even t hough I know nothing on the internet is ever really gone, but before I do that I want to somehow print it out so that I have it with me, still. I am assuming there is some kind of program for that. Anyway, I've begun journaling once again to fill this hole when I end my blog. I feel like the things I want to hold the most dear right now are things that I want to keep a little more private.

So I'm ending this in December, but, I will be posting several posts over the next month. I want to write about just a few more things before I sign off. Stay tuned as I go out in as much style as I can muster up.

Another Price Hill Saturday Night

I'm about to tell a story that is not about me and did not happen to me. Why am I telling it? For one thing, it is one of those stories that just has to be told. For another, I believe that this story proves a point that I make pretty often: Matt is THE nicest guy I know. He really, truly is, and that is fantastic because he treats me wonderfully. In fact, he treats everyone in the world wonderfully, which every once in a great while can get a little irritating. Like when you come home and are complaining about an annoying co-worker and he counters with the fact that she probably has low-esteem.

Um, yeah, thanks Mr. Nice Guy, but leave the assessment to the trained therapist in the relationship, 'k? And my assessment is "crazy, unprofessional, annoying and trying to make my life difficult every single day".

And so now you might be thinking, "well, Heidi, he's clearly the nicest person in your relationship, but how can I know that is really, truly an incredibly nice guy?". By reading this story, that's how. And one last point before I begin: I realized where this story was going pretty much at the point that you'll realize it. And that illustrates my point even better, because he didn't realize it until...well you'll see.

Matt came down the stairs this morning while I was having breakfast and Elliott was playing around in the kitchen. Matt poured himself a cup of coffee, sat down at the table and said, "so I have a funny story". Which is always odd to hear from someone who you live with and last saw when you went to bed the night before.

Around 11 he decided that he needed to run to Kroger, which is about 3/4 of a mile from our house. Now, you may recall that we do not live in the fanciest part of town. The house we rent is basically on the line of "people get murdered in drive-by's" and "lots of lower-middle class families". We've never had any problems and our neighbors are super nice, and we actually do like it here.

Matt walks out to the street where his car was parked and sees a woman out there, across the street, looking under a different car. He assumes that she lives in one of the apartments around us and has lost something and so naturally, he asks if she needs help. She replies that she's just looking for something, and he tells her "good luck". She then asks if he can give her a ride.

"To where?"

"To the stores"

"Um, well I'm going to Kroger if you want to go there"

"Sure"

She gets in the car and at this point, Matt is starting to feel a little strange and also realizes that she stinks (I did not ask for clarification here, but I'm telling myself "cigarettes"). They take off down the road and she asks what he's up to tonight.

Flashfoward to our kitchen table- Matt gets to this point in the story and I exclaim, "you let her in your car?", because I realized what was going on oh, about the part where he saw a woman on the street. And he only nods his head and is laughing because as they were driving down the road, he was just slowly beginning to see the light. And I continue to sit at the table sort of laughing and continuing with similar exclamations, and feeling pretty grossed out.

So, back in the car, he replies that he's just hanging out at home, watching t.v. and he needed to run to the store. And because the next exchange they had turned my stomach when I heard it I'll give a recap: she tells him she's trying to make a certain (low) amount of money. He quickly tells her no thank you and he'll just run her to the store. She then cuts the amount in half. He just as quickly assures her that he's "all set", really. And it may not shock you, although I think it did him, to learn that she then gets annoyed and asks to be let out right there, and he pulled over and dropped her off, then drove the rest of the way to the store with his windows down and heat blasting to try to get the smell out of the car.

So I'm not sure which part of the story proves his "nicest guy" status more:

A. The fact that he did not assume that a woman hanging out by herself in the middle of the street at night was a hooker until she was in his car and propositioned him (because he just wouldn't think that of someone without knowing them!)

B. The fact that he continued to very politely turn her down and not kick her out of his car once he realized that she was a prostitute

C. The fact that he actually felt bad that  he didn't have any cash to just give her before he dropped her off

D. The fact that he then felt WORSE when he got to Kroger and realized he actually had a $5 bill with him that he couldn't have given her.

And yes, you can feel free to tease Matt about the time he picked up a hooker the next time you see him. He's so nice, he'll just laugh right along with you.

Wisdom of Pooh

I'm learning that as a mom, a worker, a friend, a woman, heck, just a person, that feeling like life is generally going smoothly and calmly is one that comes and goes. This means that you rarely feel like things are completely insane and chaotic, and you rarely feel like things are amazingly perfect and under control; you mostly just feel somewhere in the middle, coming or going. I've also learned that because of that, you have to learn how to be content with the middle as well as how to deal with the extremes.

But that's not always easy to do and this morning I was having a rough time. Feeling overwhelmed about work, feeling guilty about motherhood, feeling generally uncertain about my ability to do it all and be enough for everyone, including myself. Then, as he normally does these days, Elliott brought me one of his books to read to him. It was Pooh's Grand Adventure, and about 3 pages in I read this line,

"You must remember this: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

And whoa. I needed that. Because the thing is, I know that I'm all those things, I've worked really hard to be, but sometimes, I forget. And this little quote reminds me that as brave, strong and smart as I've been in my life, there's still more in there. It'll come out when it needs to just like it always has. I hope you, whoever you are, know that's true for you, too.

You're braver than you believe.

You're stronger than you seem.

You're smarter than you think.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

16 Months

Today Elliott turned 16 months, and I celebrated by taking a day off work, dropping Elliott at the baby-sitter's, and running a bunch of errands that cannot be done with a 16 month old: doctor's appointment, bank, Ikea, consignment store clothes shopping, the mall, and vacuuming out my car. It was a really tiring day still, but tiring in a different way than my normal days now. Isn't this supposed to be about Elliott? It is, trust me, because this past month has been tiring in part because of all that he's doing now.

This time last month I was feeling much differently about having a handle on things. I felt like we'd all settled into a really good rhythm. A woman who works where I work, who also has young kids, told me that every time she starts to feel like she's got things under control, something comes along and throws it all off. That thing this time was a trip to San Diego, coinciding with the busiest time I've ever had at work, coinciding with not feeling too well. I've been back now for 3 weeks and I'm still finding that rhythm again. But having things thrown off seems to have thrown Elliott off in some ways, too, particularly with sleeping. We've had to let him "cry it out" a few times while falling asleep which we haven't had to do in  a while and that is always exhausting, too, since the only down time I get all day, and the only one on one time with Matt, is from 8-9:30, and when most of that is spent listening to Elliott cry, then going into his room to soothe him every so many minutes, it just makes for a tiring day.

So- 16 months. No height and weight because we haven't been to the doctor. We're all tired. The end.

Ok just kidding. I don't mean to really complain much, but I do want to capture what life is like with Elliott at each of these intervals and that is just the truth. But we've had some fun this month, particularly this weekend when we went to the pumpkin patch with our friends (see the previous post). We've been lucky enough to visit with quite a few family members and friends this month, too, and Elliott really seems to like that. One thing that he really enjoys is hanging out with his only cousin, Matt's nephew, Miller. They don't see each other a whole lot but when they do they both light up, and I love seeing them together when I think about the fun times I always had with my cousins when I was young. We had dinner with most of Matt's family the other night and here are the boys (Elliott kept hugging Miller, and Miller would get this confused little smile every time he would do it)

Elliott's language abilities have gone nuts this month, both in speaking and comprehending. He asked his first question, of sorts, tonight. He does the sign for "please" and usually also says "peez", when prompted, but tonight he was looking at a magnet on the fridge and suddenly he got this excited look on his face, turned to me and smiled really big and said "peez" while signing and then pointed to what he wanted. Which, of course, I gave him because my son can ask a question!! Yay!

In not quite as exciting news, he finally started saying "no" and definitely uses that word correctly. So that is adding to a whole new challenge that I think is adding a little to the frustration lately- that now when I tell him to do something and he doesn't want to do it, he just responds "no". So now we're having to teach the lesson that when you're asked a question, you are allowed to say no, but if mommy and daddy tell you to do something, you're not allowed to say no. You may not be shocked to read that this is not a lesson he's too excited about. But, you'll have that I suppose. I am having a hard time keeping up with the words he can say now to add to my list, but I they do now include:

"ah-chay" (train)
"bah" (book)
"No" (obviously)
"Es" (yes)
"aht" (hot)

It seems like he says more and more every day, but those are pretty much all the things we talk about, along with the list from last month.

With all of this learning, Elliott is putting together the fact that he has boundaries and that he can push them. There are things he knows that he can't touch, like the knobs on the stove, and he'll walk up and touch them while looking at me and saying "no". When I confirm that he cannot touch those, he'll move his finger about an inch away and say "no" while looking at me inquisitively, and if I shake my head and say "no" back to him, he'll move again about an inch away until I say it's ok. And every time he does it I can't help but smile because I get it. He might look like his dad and his grandpas on the outside, but I think that I can see my heart and soul in him in those moments.

If I'm right, then that little demonstration will turn into a lifelong journey where he weighs the knowledge that he shouldn't do something with an unquenchable desire to understand why. And while I can see how this is scary as a parent, I hope it is something that I'm able to help him through safely while not stifling that curiosity that I know all too well. Life is full of things to experience and understand, different textures for our hearts and minds to feel and try out. He might find sometimes that I'm right, that the burner will be hot. But he might find sometimes that I'm wrong and that the road that seemed to point one way actually points the other. Whatever it is, I hope he has the courage to go for it and the knowledge that however it turns out I'll be there to hold his hand.