Six Years In The Making

Well I sort of wanted this last month of blogging to be full of big posts, lots of pictures, an 18 month update about Elliott, a big ol' Christmas post. But oh yeah, I don't have that kind of time. So here's the final post and it is a conglomeration of pictures from this blog and things I have learned in the past 6 years. Not all the things, but the things I can think of. Here we go, starting with the first picture I posted in 2005:

 Erin, Rachel, Jenn and I craftin'

I've owned a lot of iPods 

 The desk where I wrote when I started this blog

1. I am who I am. This one comes first because it has shaped almost every other lesson I've learned. I plan to always grow, mature, become wiser, and with that will bring some change, but, at my core, there are things about me that will never change and those things are ok. Call it my personality, or maybe my nature, I'm not sure the best term for it, but there are things about me that I used to fight. I used to think that some of my inherent qualities that might seem negative, like being bossy, strong-headed, a bit possessive of people I love, stubborn, messy or forgetful, were traits that I needed to work to change and even eliminate if I was going to be the right kind of person. But I've learned that those things are just some of many things that are who I am. And because of that, it would make since that instead of working against them, I could just accept them and understand that those same qualities feed into a lot of good parts about me. Because another way to label those parts of my personality are: bold, quick thinking, discerning, loyal, passionate, idealistic, a "big picture" person, a critical thinker. And people who really love and value me are willing to deal with the negative parts of those traits that may slip in here or there, because they appreciate the positive qualities that they also bring to my life and our friendship. And anyone who doesn't, aka, anyone who tries to get me to change who I really am, is not someone that I need to spend too much time or energy on.

Kitchen remodel at Spencer Estates

 Sofie visiting

2. Mistakes are not the end of the world. Whether it is major or minor, at home, at work, with friends, with family, with co-workers, whatever- there are few mistakes that cannot be fixed, turned around, made better, or at least overcome. I've made big mistakes and small mistakes, mistakes that have cost me money, gotten me in trouble at work, caused me to fail a class in college, hurt people I love, look like an idiot in front of people I respect, broken my heart. And you know what? It always works out. Despite those things I did, I have a roof over my head and everything I need and lots of things I just want, I have a great job, I have a master's degree. The people who love me have forgiven me, the people who don't have moved on with their lives, and the people who respect me have continued to do so. My heart, which has before felt as though it was chopped up into pieces and removed from my body entirely, is not only mended but is so full of love and happiness and joy. I don't want to make mistakes, I don't like to make mistakes, but I know I will, and I don't allow myself to wallow in despair when they happen.

A tri-highlighter, posted for my brother Steve in 2009

 Newborn Van

 The crown at the Paul concert

3. The minute it seems like things are under control, it's pretty likely that all hell is about to break lose. It doesn't matter what those things are. My job, my relationships, my car, and especially any kind of semblance of having my home clean and organized or my routine with Elliott down. So when things seem good and calm and going smoothly, instead of saying to myself "Hey- good job! You fixed everything and now it is smooth sailing!" I try to just say, "Hey! This is good! Enjoy it while you can!". It's just a little trick that helps me deal with the chaos when it comes.

 

 Stalking Garrison Keillor

Magic shoes 

 My baby

 Sofie, Elliott, Van

4. When all else fails, be thankful. I just realized that the first three things I listed have a bit of a theme around the idea of two sides of the same coin. My big life lessons, apparently, have to do with how to merge the negative in life with the positive: ups and downs, ebbs and flows, calm and storm. And even though, in theory, I'm using these lessons to enjoy the awesomeness of life and cope with the crappiness, it is not like I have those things down to a science. Most of these lessons were born from 3 major events in the past 6 years that were really awful and painful. When each happened, I know that I told myself throughout that somehow it would all work out, but each was still just so terrible that they caused weeks and sometimes months of more darkness than light. I made it through each of them, of course, and after the third (which was finding out I was pregnant), I came to a place, once again, where I was really and truly happy.

 And that is true, I was happy, but there was still something else inside of me. Something that was sadness, anger, doubt, and fear mixed together. As I thought about why I had this negativity inside of me I came to realize that a seed of bitterness and resentment had planted deep inside of me when the first of the 3 terrible things happened that never really went away, no matter how good things got. Not only did it not go away, but as bitterness does, it continued to grow and was especially fed in the subsequent events. And although it wasn't always apparent, it was there, like a murky, sludgy river of sewage flowing under a bustling city. It became harder to ignore and finally I came to a place where I didn't want to ignore it anymore because it was kind of stinking up everything for me. I came to that place after Elliott was born. I was just so overwhelmed with happiness that he was here but still feeling this anger and hurt over all that had happened that had brought me to where I was. You might think I could have looked at all of that crap and say, well, there's a reason, and that reason is this baby. But that wasn't enough for me because it seemed too trite and dismissive of what I'd been through. I mean, I really had to go through all of that crap just to meet this beautiful baby? Because I'm pretty sure that I could have bypassed quite a bit of it and still had a baby I loved.

So I had that anger and that bitterness and I realized that I didn't have any answers, and I didn't know how to get them. I'd been searching for years and they just weren't coming, so I doubted that they were even out there. I was tired of doing all of that work just to get to the bottom of why that bitterness existed, and I didn't want to do it anymore. One early morning when he was less than a week old, I knew I had to just be rid of it, but I did not know how. So I sat there, quietly, holding Elliott and rocking him and crying, and I closed my eyes and said the only thing I could think of: "Thank you for this baby". I wasn't expecting that to come out, I wasn't expecting to pray, but that is what happened- that really simple prayer to express the only thing I knew for sure. I was thankful for this baby. I didn't know how to think about all of the other things, I didn't know how to let go of the bitterness and resentment, but I knew how to be thankful.

I've prayed that prayer many, many times over the past 18 months and I can tell you that it has helped tremendously. I have expanded it to many parts of my life- when I get angry that I have rheumatoid arthritis, I tell myself to give thanks for health care and medicine and a husband and boss who are patient and understanding. When I get worried at how being a working mom will affect Elliott, I am thankful that I don't have to work 3 jobs to support him. When I get frustrated at how I work and how I am still not completely financially secure, I am thankful that neither Elliott nor I have ever been hungry, and that I can always buy my son food, clothes, toys and pay for good childcare. It has become my first line of defense and it makes a world of difference. I cannot say that the bitterness is completely gone, but it is as diluted and small and insignificant as it has been in many years. I haven't made any more discoveries about why and how the bitterness came to be or how to get rid of it, it just going away. I'm not even really praying about much else besides my "thank you" prayers. But I don't care about any of that, because this dark, poisonous thing that was keeping me from completely experiencing the joy of this amazing life is going away slowly and surely. When I'm ready to take more or different steps forward, I will know, but for now, this is how I'm getting to where I need to be. If you're stuck somewhere in life, I recommend this route. Just give thanks for whatever you have to whoever you give thanks to. It has done wonders for me.

And there you go- my finals words of wisdom to close out my blog. Thank you, whoever you are, for reading. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being part of this awesome part of my life.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.