HEIDI'S BLOG

Six Years In The Making

2012-01-02T00:40:00.001-05:00

Well I sort of wanted this last month of blogging to be full of big posts, lots of pictures, an 18 month update about Elliott, a big ol' Christmas post. But oh yeah, I don't have that kind of time. So here's the final post and it is a conglomeration of pictures from this blog and things I have learned in the past 6 years. Not all the things, but the things I can think of. Here we go, starting with the first picture I posted in 2005:

Erin, Rachel, Jenn and I craftin'

I've owned a lot of iPods

The desk where I wrote when I started this blog

1. I am who I am. This one comes first because it has shaped almost every other lesson I've learned. I plan to always grow, mature, become wiser, and with that will bring some change, but, at my core, there are things about me that will never change and those things are ok. Call it my personality, or maybe my nature, I'm not sure the best term for it, but there are things about me that I used to fight. I used to think that some of my inherent qualities that might seem negative, like being bossy, strong-headed, a bit possessive of people I love, stubborn, messy or forgetful, were traits that I needed to work to change and even eliminate if I was going to be the right kind of person. But I've learned that those things are just some of many things that are who I am. And because of that, it would make since that instead of working against them, I could just accept them and understand that those same qualities feed into a lot of good parts about me. Because another way to label those parts of my personality are: bold, quick thinking, discerning, loyal, passionate, idealistic, a "big picture" person, a critical thinker. And people who really love and value me are willing to deal with the negative parts of those traits that may slip in here or there, because they appreciate the positive qualities that they also bring to my life and our friendship. And anyone who doesn't, aka, anyone who tries to get me to change who I really am, is not someone that I need to spend too much time or energy on.

Kitchen remodel at Spencer Estates

Sofie visiting

2. Mistakes are not the end of the world. Whether it is major or minor, at home, at work, with friends, with family, with co-workers, whatever- there are few mistakes that cannot be fixed, turned around, made better, or at least overcome. I've made big mistakes and small mistakes, mistakes that have cost me money, gotten me in trouble at work, caused me to fail a class in college, hurt people I love, look like an idiot in front of people I respect, broken my heart. And you know what? It always works out. Despite those things I did, I have a roof over my head and everything I need and lots of things I just want, I have a great job, I have a master's degree. The people who love me have forgiven me, the people who don't have moved on with their lives, and the people who respect me have continued to do so. My heart, which has before felt as though it was chopped up into pieces and removed from my body entirely, is not only mended but is so full of love and happiness and joy. I don't want to make mistakes, I don't like to make mistakes, but I know I will, and I don't allow myself to wallow in despair when they happen.

A tri-highlighter, posted for my brother Steve in 2009

Newborn Van

The crown at the Paul concert

3. The minute it seems like things are under control, it's pretty likely that all hell is about to break lose. It doesn't matter what those things are. My job, my relationships, my car, and especially any kind of semblance of having my home clean and organized or my routine with Elliott down. So when things seem good and calm and going smoothly, instead of saying to myself "Hey- good job! You fixed everything and now it is smooth sailing!" I try to just say, "Hey! This is good! Enjoy it while you can!". It's just a little trick that helps me deal with the chaos when it comes.

Stalking Garrison Keillor

Magic shoes

My baby

Sofie, Elliott, Van

4. When all else fails, be thankful. I just realized that the first three things I listed have a bit of a theme around the idea of two sides of the same coin. My big life lessons, apparently, have to do with how to merge the negative in life with the positive: ups and downs, ebbs and flows, calm and storm. And even though, in theory, I'm using these lessons to enjoy the awesomeness of life and cope with the crappiness, it is not like I have those things down to a science. Most of these lessons were born from 3 major events in the past 6 years that were really awful and painful. When each happened, I know that I told myself throughout that somehow it would all work out, but each was still just so terrible that they caused weeks and sometimes months of more darkness than light. I made it through each of them, of course, and after the third (which was finding out I was pregnant), I came to a place, once again, where I was really and truly happy.

And that is true, I was happy, but there was still something else inside of me. Something that was sadness, anger, doubt, and fear mixed together. As I thought about why I had this negativity inside of me I came to realize that a seed of bitterness and resentment had planted deep inside of me when the first of the 3 terrible things happened that never really went away, no matter how good things got. Not only did it not go away, but as bitterness does, it continued to grow and was especially fed in the subsequent events. And although it wasn't always apparent, it was there, like a murky, sludgy river of sewage flowing under a bustling city. It became harder to ignore and finally I came to a place where I didn't want to ignore it anymore because it was kind of stinking up everything for me. I came to that place after Elliott was born. I was just so overwhelmed with happiness that he was here but still feeling this anger and hurt over all that had happened that had brought me to where I was. You might think I could have looked at all of that crap and say, well, there's a reason, and that reason is this baby. But that wasn't enough for me because it seemed too trite and dismissive of what I'd been through. I mean, I really had to go through all of that crap just to meet this beautiful baby? Because I'm pretty sure that I could have bypassed quite a bit of it and still had a baby I loved.

So I had that anger and that bitterness and I realized that I didn't have any answers, and I didn't know how to get them. I'd been searching for years and they just weren't coming, so I doubted that they were even out there. I was tired of doing all of that work just to get to the bottom of why that bitterness existed, and I didn't want to do it anymore. One early morning when he was less than a week old, I knew I had to just be rid of it, but I did not know how. So I sat there, quietly, holding Elliott and rocking him and crying, and I closed my eyes and said the only thing I could think of: "Thank you for this baby". I wasn't expecting that to come out, I wasn't expecting to pray, but that is what happened- that really simple prayer to express the only thing I knew for sure. I was thankful for this baby. I didn't know how to think about all of the other things, I didn't know how to let go of the bitterness and resentment, but I knew how to be thankful.

I've prayed that prayer many, many times over the past 18 months and I can tell you that it has helped tremendously. I have expanded it to many parts of my life- when I get angry that I have rheumatoid arthritis, I tell myself to give thanks for health care and medicine and a husband and boss who are patient and understanding. When I get worried at how being a working mom will affect Elliott, I am thankful that I don't have to work 3 jobs to support him. When I get frustrated at how I work and how I am still not completely financially secure, I am thankful that neither Elliott nor I have ever been hungry, and that I can always buy my son food, clothes, toys and pay for good childcare. It has become my first line of defense and it makes a world of difference. I cannot say that the bitterness is completely gone, but it is as diluted and small and insignificant as it has been in many years. I haven't made any more discoveries about why and how the bitterness came to be or how to get rid of it, it just going away. I'm not even really praying about much else besides my "thank you" prayers. But I don't care about any of that, because this dark, poisonous thing that was keeping me from completely experiencing the joy of this amazing life is going away slowly and surely. When I'm ready to take more or different steps forward, I will know, but for now, this is how I'm getting to where I need to be. If you're stuck somewhere in life, I recommend this route. Just give thanks for whatever you have to whoever you give thanks to. It has done wonders for me.

And there you go- my finals words of wisdom to close out my blog. Thank you, whoever you are, for reading. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being part of this awesome part of my life.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-24T21:49:00.000-05:00

It is Christmas Eve, and I think next Christmas I'm going to miss my blog. One of my favorite things about writing on this blog is capturing the few super awesome times like this that come along every year. There are awesome times often, and really great times fairly often, and just plain great times several times a week. Super awesome times, though, come along just sometimes. I like writing about those on my blog. So, maybe I will. Who knows.

One thing that makes this Christmas even more awesome than most Christmases is that it was precluded by my marriage. Yes, folks, Matt and I tied on knot on December 22, at the Hamilton County Municipal Courthouse by the honorable Judge Mallory. It was amazing and beautiful and I cried. Yes, I cried, which is something I do very frequently alone and very rarely when in front of other people. But I was just so damn happy. It was an amazing day, like this:

So now it is Christmas Eve, and we've celebrated Christmas with the extended family on my side. Santa comes tonight and then we head over to Matt's family's house. Elliott has been loving every second of it and I'll show you all of that soon, too.

Advice from a Blogger

2011-12-04T19:16:00.000-05:00

I've been asked multiple times over the years for advice on blog writing, so, as I wrap up my blog I'm going to post here what I've learned about how to blog successfully. I consider my blog to be a success because of how I define a successful blog, and, that is my first piece of advice.

Define success for your blog. For some people, a successful blog is one that they can make money on. How to do that? I have no idea, because, I've never meant for that to be the purpose of this blog. Would that be awesome? Yes. Is that incredibly difficult to do? I can only assume yes, as this blog is fantastic and no one has ever wanted to pay me to write on it. Ha! But seriously. You have to think about how you'll define a successful blog because, if you don't, you won't keep it up, because it won't be serving any kind of purpose for you. Is success getting a bunch of people to read it? Maybe. Is it to reach a certain population? To provide catharsis for you? To stay in touch with friends and family? Whatever it is, figure it out ahead of time.

If you want a lot of people to read your blog, you have to post regularly. That is just the plain and simple truth. There are so many people out there who start a blog, get really excited, write a couple of posts, and then don't touch it for months, then start writing again and no one reads it, then they quit. Even with RSS feeds and things like Google Reader, I think you have to keep posting regularly, if what you want is a large readership. Regularly might mean once a week, or every few days, or even twice a month. But, have some pattern to it so people know when to come back for more. If you don't actually care about having a lot of readers, or regular readers, then randomly post away, but most people, I think, want people to read what they're writing.

Understand that blogging takes time. For me, a really good blog post (or at least one that I think is really good) takes about an hour. A mediocre one takes about 30 minutes. I actually do very little editing, but when I do decide to spend a lot of time on editing, that adds another 30 minutes. Add in uploading photos and you've got another 15 or 20 minutes, since you've got to choose your photos and edit them somewhat. So if you want to write 2 posts a week and one of them has pictures, you're looking at between 2-3 hours per week dedicated to your blog. I used to do a lot of mine during my lunch breaks, but, I don't really take those anymore.

Know what you want to write about. The time commitment outlined above does not include thinking of something to write about. If your blog is just a general "here's what I'm doing", then I would recommend to start looking at your days and your experiences with a different perspective. Think about how you might describe what you're doing if you were a newspaper reporter, or if you were going to follow it up with an email to a friend. If something is funny or reminds you of something else, tuck that away in your brain. As someone who has a background in English I can tell you that is part skill to be honed and part talent. If you want to write about a certain topic, then I would try to sit down first and make a list of everything you know about that topic, or everything you want to know and figure out if you know enough to be able to write about it for months and months and even years. And then, I would update that list periodically throughout the life of your blog.

Keep in mind that the internet never goes away. Even if you delete a post, it is still out there somewhere, somehow. Think about how public you want to make your blog. Think about what you do for a living, who is in your family, how private do you want to be? If you are a person who is very private then you will have to be very careful about your blog. Some blogs allow you to disable a google search option, but, if you do that then no one will ever stumble across your blog by googling something related. I think that a good rule of thumb is to assume that anyone can find your blog, and think about your content in that light.

Keep in mind that the internet is part of real life. Here's a story- when I was going through my divorce, I didn't write about it on my blog, but I did write that I was dealing with something major and my posting would be light. A friend of mine said that a friend of hers, who I didn't know at all, read my blog regularly and asked her if I was getting a divorce during that time, because they thought something was up and thought that might be it. Now, that didn't upset me, but it did remind me that, hey, people know me in this one certain way and even though I don't know them, knowledge of me and my life exists in the world through this medium.

Do you like to write? If you've read all of this and you're still just not sure whether blogging is for you, this is the final question to ask yourself. Are you a writer? Or have you hated most things in life that required writing, like essays for school or letters to your grandma or research papers or even journals. If you're nodding and saying, "yep, that's me, hate writing", then there is little to no chance you're going to be successful as a blogger, unless your blog is all about something besides writing, like photography or posting your art. But if you like to write then you'll probably do well with blogging. I didn't say if you're a good writer because as I mentioned before, writin is a skill and a talent. Chances are if you like to do it then you have some kind of talent, and skill is improved with practice, which is what you get when you blog.

So there you go- tips for blogging from an amateur blogger with 6 years of blog writing under my belt. I hope if you do it you get as much out of your blog as Ive gotten out of mine.

The End is Near

2011-12-02T14:19:00.000-05:00

For anyone who is reading this blog still, after my ignoring it for a solid month for the first time EVER, I have an announcement: at the end of December, I am going to stop blogging. The blog is coming to an end.

It's ok to cry. Just let it all out.

Ok just kidding, except, I have cried about this at least once over the past month. I started wondering about when I'd be done with it sometime this summer, and then feeling more off and on this fall. And then a couple of weeks ago I realized that I was avoiding writing on it for a couple of weeks because it felt like a chore. I mean, I missed posting about my 30th birthday and Elliott being 17 months old. I knew that when that happened, I was right about coming to the end, because I've never wanted it to be a chore.

I have loved writing on this blog. I love to write and I love attention (I can admit it, because it is true), so this has been the perfect marriage of those two. When I started writing, I had just recently learned what a blog was. Now everyone and their grandma has one that they write on at least twice before forgetting about it. But that's not why I'm stopping it, because I have very little aversion to liking trendy things. My life is so incredibly full and wonderful, and also, incredibly busy.

Writing this blog is something that I've always done for me, and also something that I did to be part of a community. I was talking to my friend Jenn last night, and we were remembering how, when a group of us girls started blogging, there was no social networking, so this was the easy way we stayed connected. Now through Facebook we have others ways to stay connected, but I know that I have (or had, prior to last month) a good little collection of readers from all over who read consistently and who I don't know personally. They live in places I've never been and where I don't know anyone (like New Zealand, Alaska, New York, California, to name a few). There was a time when I peaked at around 300 original hits a day, I think somewhere in 2008. For the past couple of years I've been hovering around 80, with about one or two days a week over 100. And whoever those people are, I like that you read. I like that you find something interesting or amusing about my blog and my life and I'm glad it has kept you entertained. I've enjoyed being a part of your community and you being a part of mine, even in this sort of back door way.

I've also loved going back and reading my blog, too. It is wonderful to have such a great record of my life since 2005 (yikes! That's a long time!). And in such a unique way, with pictures and little stories that I probably wouldn't have otherwise remembered in addition to documenting the big things, like holidays or celebrations. I do plan to eventually completely delete it, even t hough I know nothing on the internet is ever really gone, but before I do that I want to somehow print it out so that I have it with me, still. I am assuming there is some kind of program for that. Anyway, I've begun journaling once again to fill this hole when I end my blog. I feel like the things I want to hold the most dear right now are things that I want to keep a little more private.

So I'm ending this in December, but, I will be posting several posts over the next month. I want to write about just a few more things before I sign off. Stay tuned as I go out in as much style as I can muster up.

Another Price Hill Saturday Night

2011-10-23T20:51:00.002-04:00

I'm about to tell a story that is not about me and did not happen to me. Why am I telling it? For one thing, it is one of those stories that just has to be told. For another, I believe that this story proves a point that I make pretty often: Matt is THE nicest guy I know. He really, truly is, and that is fantastic because he treats me wonderfully. In fact, he treats everyone in the world wonderfully, which every once in a great while can get a little irritating. Like when you come home and are complaining about an annoying co-worker and he counters with the fact that she probably has low-esteem.

Um, yeah, thanks Mr. Nice Guy, but leave the assessment to the trained therapist in the relationship, 'k? And my assessment is "crazy, unprofessional, annoying and trying to make my life difficult every single day".

And so now you might be thinking, "well, Heidi, he's clearly the nicest person in your relationship, but how can I know that is really, truly an incredibly nice guy?". By reading this story, that's how. And one last point before I begin: I realized where this story was going pretty much at the point that you'll realize it. And that illustrates my point even better, because he didn't realize it until...well you'll see.

Matt came down the stairs this morning while I was having breakfast and Elliott was playing around in the kitchen. Matt poured himself a cup of coffee, sat down at the table and said, "so I have a funny story". Which is always odd to hear from someone who you live with and last saw when you went to bed the night before.

Around 11 he decided that he needed to run to Kroger, which is about 3/4 of a mile from our house. Now, you may recall that we do not live in the fanciest part of town. The house we rent is basically on the line of "people get murdered in drive-by's" and "lots of lower-middle class families". We've never had any problems and our neighbors are super nice, and we actually do like it here.

Matt walks out to the street where his car was parked and sees a woman out there, across the street, looking under a different car. He assumes that she lives in one of the apartments around us and has lost something and so naturally, he asks if she needs help. She replies that she's just looking for something, and he tells her "good luck". She then asks if he can give her a ride.

"To where?"

"To the stores"

"Um, well I'm going to Kroger if you want to go there"

"Sure"

She gets in the car and at this point, Matt is starting to feel a little strange and also realizes that she stinks (I did not ask for clarification here, but I'm telling myself "cigarettes"). They take off down the road and she asks what he's up to tonight.

Flashfoward to our kitchen table- Matt gets to this point in the story and I exclaim, "you let her in your car?", because I realized what was going on oh, about the part where he saw a woman on the street. And he only nods his head and is laughing because as they were driving down the road, he was just slowly beginning to see the light. And I continue to sit at the table sort of laughing and continuing with similar exclamations, and feeling pretty grossed out.

So, back in the car, he replies that he's just hanging out at home, watching t.v. and he needed to run to the store. And because the next exchange they had turned my stomach when I heard it I'll give a recap: she tells him she's trying to make a certain (low) amount of money. He quickly tells her no thank you and he'll just run her to the store. She then cuts the amount in half. He just as quickly assures her that he's "all set", really. And it may not shock you, although I think it did him, to learn that she then gets annoyed and asks to be let out right there, and he pulled over and dropped her off, then drove the rest of the way to the store with his windows down and heat blasting to try to get the smell out of the car.

So I'm not sure which part of the story proves his "nicest guy" status more:

A. The fact that he did not assume that a woman hanging out by herself in the middle of the street at night was a hooker until she was in his car and propositioned him (because he just wouldn't think that of someone without knowing them!)

B. The fact that he continued to very politely turn her down and not kick her out of his car once he realized that she was a prostitute

C. The fact that he actually felt bad that he didn't have any cash to just give her before he dropped her off

D. The fact that he then felt WORSE when he got to Kroger and realized he actually had a $5 bill with him that he couldn't have given her.

And yes, you can feel free to tease Matt about the time he picked up a hooker the next time you see him. He's so nice, he'll just laugh right along with you.

Wisdom of Pooh

2011-10-19T21:25:00.000-04:00

I'm learning that as a mom, a worker, a friend, a woman, heck, just a person, that feeling like life is generally going smoothly and calmly is one that comes and goes. This means that you rarely feel like things are completely insane and chaotic, and you rarely feel like things are amazingly perfect and under control; you mostly just feel somewhere in the middle, coming or going. I've also learned that because of that, you have to learn how to be content with the middle as well as how to deal with the extremes.

But that's not always easy to do and this morning I was having a rough time. Feeling overwhelmed about work, feeling guilty about motherhood, feeling generally uncertain about my ability to do it all and be enough for everyone, including myself. Then, as he normally does these days, Elliott brought me one of his books to read to him. It was Pooh's Grand Adventure, and about 3 pages in I read this line,

"You must remember this: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

And whoa. I needed that. Because the thing is, I know that I'm all those things, I've worked really hard to be, but sometimes, I forget. And this little quote reminds me that as brave, strong and smart as I've been in my life, there's still more in there. It'll come out when it needs to just like it always has. I hope you, whoever you are, know that's true for you, too.

You're braver than you believe.

You're stronger than you seem.

You're smarter than you think.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

16 Months

2011-10-11T21:35:00.001-04:00

Today Elliott turned 16 months, and I celebrated by taking a day off work, dropping Elliott at the baby-sitter's, and running a bunch of errands that cannot be done with a 16 month old: doctor's appointment, bank, Ikea, consignment store clothes shopping, the mall, and vacuuming out my car. It was a really tiring day still, but tiring in a different way than my normal days now. Isn't this supposed to be about Elliott? It is, trust me, because this past month has been tiring in part because of all that he's doing now.

This time last month I was feeling much differently about having a handle on things. I felt like we'd all settled into a really good rhythm. A woman who works where I work, who also has young kids, told me that every time she starts to feel like she's got things under control, something comes along and throws it all off. That thing this time was a trip to San Diego, coinciding with the busiest time I've ever had at work, coinciding with not feeling too well. I've been back now for 3 weeks and I'm still finding that rhythm again. But having things thrown off seems to have thrown Elliott off in some ways, too, particularly with sleeping. We've had to let him "cry it out" a few times while falling asleep which we haven't had to do in a while and that is always exhausting, too, since the only down time I get all day, and the only one on one time with Matt, is from 8-9:30, and when most of that is spent listening to Elliott cry, then going into his room to soothe him every so many minutes, it just makes for a tiring day.

So- 16 months. No height and weight because we haven't been to the doctor. We're all tired. The end.

Ok just kidding. I don't mean to really complain much, but I do want to capture what life is like with Elliott at each of these intervals and that is just the truth. But we've had some fun this month, particularly this weekend when we went to the pumpkin patch with our friends (see the previous post). We've been lucky enough to visit with quite a few family members and friends this month, too, and Elliott really seems to like that. One thing that he really enjoys is hanging out with his only cousin, Matt's nephew, Miller. They don't see each other a whole lot but when they do they both light up, and I love seeing them together when I think about the fun times I always had with my cousins when I was young. We had dinner with most of Matt's family the other night and here are the boys (Elliott kept hugging Miller, and Miller would get this confused little smile every time he would do it)

Elliott's language abilities have gone nuts this month, both in speaking and comprehending. He asked his first question, of sorts, tonight. He does the sign for "please" and usually also says "peez", when prompted, but tonight he was looking at a magnet on the fridge and suddenly he got this excited look on his face, turned to me and smiled really big and said "peez" while signing and then pointed to what he wanted. Which, of course, I gave him because my son can ask a question!! Yay!

In not quite as exciting news, he finally started saying "no" and definitely uses that word correctly. So that is adding to a whole new challenge that I think is adding a little to the frustration lately- that now when I tell him to do something and he doesn't want to do it, he just responds "no". So now we're having to teach the lesson that when you're asked a question, you are allowed to say no, but if mommy and daddy tell you to do something, you're not allowed to say no. You may not be shocked to read that this is not a lesson he's too excited about. But, you'll have that I suppose. I am having a hard time keeping up with the words he can say now to add to my list, but I they do now include:

"ah-chay" (train)
"bah" (book)
"No" (obviously)
"Es" (yes)
"aht" (hot)

It seems like he says more and more every day, but those are pretty much all the things we talk about, along with the list from last month.

With all of this learning, Elliott is putting together the fact that he has boundaries and that he can push them. There are things he knows that he can't touch, like the knobs on the stove, and he'll walk up and touch them while looking at me and saying "no". When I confirm that he cannot touch those, he'll move his finger about an inch away and say "no" while looking at me inquisitively, and if I shake my head and say "no" back to him, he'll move again about an inch away until I say it's ok. And every time he does it I can't help but smile because I get it. He might look like his dad and his grandpas on the outside, but I think that I can see my heart and soul in him in those moments.

If I'm right, then that little demonstration will turn into a lifelong journey where he weighs the knowledge that he shouldn't do something with an unquenchable desire to understand why. And while I can see how this is scary as a parent, I hope it is something that I'm able to help him through safely while not stifling that curiosity that I know all too well. Life is full of things to experience and understand, different textures for our hearts and minds to feel and try out. He might find sometimes that I'm right, that the burner will be hot. But he might find sometimes that I'm wrong and that the road that seemed to point one way actually points the other. Whatever it is, I hope he has the courage to go for it and the knowledge that however it turns out I'll be there to hold his hand.

Things I'm Good At

2011-10-09T14:08:00.000-04:00

1. Engaging in small talk with pretty much anyone I meet.

2. Reading very quickly for comprehension.

3. Remembering spoken lines I've heard (in a movie, song or conversation) word for word.

4. Making coffee

5. Being corny and nostalgic.

Most likely you'll just have to trust me on 1-4, but I can up that last claim. I love doing a one year comparison for pretty much any and everything that I can document. Today, Matt, Elliott and I, with some friends, went to a "pumpkin patch" (which was a bunch of pumpkins dumped in the middle of the field), the same one we went to last year. I took a bunch of pictures, but made sure before we left to get this one

Because last year we took one, too

And I had to compare. I'm guessing we'll have as many of these as I years that I can drag Elliott to a pumpkin patch. So like 20? 24? Then we'll have the grandkids, duh!

At breakfast

Daddy holding the chick, because mommy sure as hell ain't gonna. I wasn't even as close as this looks, I used the zoom.

Oh. . .Hi?

2011-10-02T15:48:00.000-04:00

The title of this blog has a double meaning. Meaning 1 is like, "oh...hi? Are you there, Heidi? Because no one is writing on this blog and I don't know what to do about it". I don't know who is actually writing that but anyway, yes, I am still here and life is busy. Classes just started at the school where I work and I love that because fall is fun on a college campus. But it also means that my hectic life is a bit more hectic and I'm not taking lunches at work, so I'm losing one of my best blog writing times.

Side note, today I was visiting my Gram and she said, "so are you usually pretty rushed or do you, you know, have time to do the things you need to get done?" and I said, "no I don't get anything done" and she sighed and said "that's what I thought". I'm glad she understands me.

The other meaning of the title is about where I live, the great state of Ohio. I am turning 30 in 1 month and 2 days. This means that I have lived in Ohio for 23 years, as we moved to Ohio on my 7th birthday from south Florida. Of those 23, 12 were spent in northeast Ohio and 11 have been in southwest Ohio. Wooster, where I grew up, and Cincinnati, where I live now, are about 200 miles from each other, and since I had family in Cincinnati my whole life, I have spent a lot of time traveling throughout this beautiful state. I can tell you how Cleveland, Columbus and Cincinnati are all very different cities with their own cultures, feels and accents (or a-yak-cents, if you're from the first two). I can talk about Ohio history, our politics, I even know all the words to the official State Rock and Roll song. To me, it is a lovely and complex state and it is my home.

To a lot of other people, especially southern Californians, the word "Ohio" means pretty much jack squat. Last week I was asked by a few people where I was from and when I said, "Cincinnati, Ohio" they all said the same thing, "oh" followed by silence. After the first couple of times, I would just joke, "yeah nobody so far has been like, oh wow, Ohio, tell me more!" and they'd laugh. One little boy said, "isn't that where grandma lived?" and his mom said, "no that's Idaho", and the boy said "are they close?" and as I said, "no" the dad said, "kind of". Um, really? Then, an older gentlemen I spoke with said to me, "oh, Ohio- a couple of years ago I was in Branson, Missouri". I smiled and nodded because I felt like it would have been too impolite to say, "that's nowhere near me" to a retired Naval officer. But none of them were so "ouch" as when someone mentioned that they'd spent a lot of time in Indiana. Um, ok, that's close, but Indiana is no Ohio, my good sir (no offense, Indianians).

But that's why it is good to travel. It's nice to be around people who have no idea about where you're from because it means that you have a lot to learn about where you are right then. San Diego was a very cool city and I would have liked to have learned more about it. But my heart has always been, and will always be, in Ohio.

Stay Classy, San Diego

2011-09-24T09:18:00.001-04:00

I mean, I had to make that the title, right?

It is 6am in San Diego and I leave tomorrow at 4:30. I'm sitting on my balcony and it's probably about 70 degrees outside. Apparently in San Diego, it never goes too far beyond 70-75. Ever. There seems to be zero humidity here, and the other day the bell man said "we've had one day of crappy weather this week". Referring to an hour of overcast skies and a 20 minute, gentle rainfall.

This place is paradise. It's beautiful and the people have been very nice. Even customer service, which is good most places, surpasses what you'd expect.

And still I am dying to get home and see Elliott and Matt. Being away hasn't been quite as hard as I thought it'd be, mostly because I'm staying busy. The conference I'm at is, as usual, very good, and we've been having some great meals at night.

I wish I had more of a story to tell but that's all- it is amazingly beautiful here, I'm having a great time, and I miss my kid like crazy. I've also learned even more how strong a mother's love is because I'm not sure I'd otherwise be returning to Ohio.

Picture of the conference hotel, right out of Mad Men when Don goes to California.

Me and my friend Amy right before our break out session which I'm just gonna say, kicked ass.

More photos from my camera will be coming soon...

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Originally founded by the Germans . . .

2011-09-18T11:36:00.000-04:00

Life has been extra busy these days. I don't know what it is about fall but life really seems to speed up for me and most people I know around this time of year, and it is only a bit crazier for me because I'm leaving on Wednesday to spend 5 days in San Diego. I am headed out there for a conference which I'm also presenting at, and on first glance that seems awesome, I know. But I am really not looking forward to it much at all. I have never been so far away from Elliott that I couldn't get to him in under 2 hours, and I've never been this far away. I know he'll be ok but I will miss him like crazy and I am already worried that something awful is going to happen and I won't be around. Hrmph.

I have not been to San Diego except for about a day when I was 10 years old, so when I force myself to think around all of that negative stuff I am looking forward to checking out the city. I have no idea what I should do there but I'm hoping that I can figure out some cool stuff and at least have a lot of fun.

I am really looking forward to the next 3 months or so. This is my favorite time of the year and I am pumped this year that I get to spend it doing fun stuff with my boy. The Bengals, at this exact time, have a perfect record (for those of you who don't follow football, um, there's been 1 game and they won it), the weather has been cooling off, we have plans with friends and family to do fun fall things, and I'm figuring out Elliott's first real Halloween costume. Good times. I will probably post next from sunny California!

15 Months

2011-09-11T14:38:00.000-04:00

Elliott is 15 months old today. We had a doctor's appointment and he is about 34 inches long and weighs 27 pounds, 12 ounces. This means that in the last 3 months he has grown almost 2 inches and lost almost a pound. He also has as much hair as probably an average 6 month old, which is a lot of hair for him! It is brown and curly and adorable.

I know these updates are about Elliott, but in related news, the other night Elliott had just gone to bed, I was watching television, Matt was reading a book and I thought to myself, "man I love my life". I don't know what has clicked lately but I'm finding a good balance of work, Elliott time, and getting stuff done I need to get done. On second thought I guess I do have some idea of what has clicked; it is a combination of consistent sleep for a long time now, Elliott being more independent at home, being so busy at work that the day flies by, and being able to do a lot with my 2 week day mornings home with Elliott. We've been enjoying story time at a local bookstore, where they sing songs and read books. He gets a little antsy with the books but loves the songs and is trying to do the motions and keep up. It is pretty cute.

About 2 weeks ago I noted to Matt that Elliott hadn't added any new words since his original 3, and about 2 days later he had a little vocabulary explosion. He now says:

mama
dada
nana (banana)
bah (ball)
app-uh (for applesauce)
duh-duh or duh-ee (dog)
kee-kee (kitty cat)
tee (teeth, as in brush your teeth)
kee (keys)
Says "moo" "baa" and attempts to snort when playing with his little cow, sheep or pig
ah-dah (all done)
meek (milk)
and he makes a hard "kuh" sound for clock

He can point to his belly, nose and ears and responds to a lot of commands or questions, like "ask daddy", "let's go upstairs", "let's go outside", or if he's asked to find something. He totally understands "no", "sit down" and "don't touch", but he will act like he doesn't from time to time. He also started feeding himself with a fork and a spoon just this last week. It is pretty messy, and takes a while, but he gets the food onto the utensil and mostly into his mouth.

He is really intro trains and will spend quite a long time playing with a train table either at home or at the bookstore, or at the baby-sitter's house. He is being asked to be read to even more these days, and he still likes to look at books on his own. He's now starting to point out things he sees in the books or kind of interacting with them more. His favorite books seem to be Bear's Busy Family, Goodnight Moon, the How Do Dinosaurs series (Say Goodnight, Get Well Soon, Eat Their Food, and Love Their Cats), That's Not My Monkey, The Snowy Day and a couple of touch and feel books.

As he gets more independent and more in control of his movements and surroundings, though, he is having the tendency to get bored so we have to keep him a little more entertained. Luckily he is getting more into some fine motor skill type of toys like this wooden bead threading thing we have, and the put the blocks into the correct hole toys.

As I look back at this time last year, and think about that time (you can read about it here), I realize more and more how much I really didn't love the newborn time. I loved, of course, that I had a newborn and I loved Elliott but those first 6 months especially were SO HARD. I think part of it might have been that I was in so much pain for the first 3 before my rheumatoid arthritis was diagnosed and treated, but mostly it is just how it is with a newborn. Usually I love autumn and last year I was pretty miserable, especially since I was also just back at work. This autumn I can tell is going to be different. It is already starting to get cool here, I get a totally normal night's sleep (when I make myself go to bed on time) and I am having a lot of fun doing things with Elliott. For example, taking him to a local community fair and going on his first carousel ride, and first pony ride. I have to admit I felt a swelling of pride when my boy rode a pony and did so well so young (I competed in horse shows as a kid). Here are some fun pictures of my 15 month old taken in the last week or so.

So are you on Pinterest?

2011-09-09T14:49:00.000-04:00

Because you should be. Seriously, it is awesome, and I have like negative time to even play with it. Pinterest is a website where you can post things you find on the internet that you like in one place. It sounds a little like, "um, ok, why?" until you do it and then you realize it is AWESOME. I mean how many times are you looking at a website and are like, "that is so cool I want to do that!" but you're at work (on lunch break, OF COURSE) and you have to do something else and you forget about it? Well now you just add this thingy to your browser and you hit "pin it" and it is saved, either on its own or on a board with other similar things. There is a social network aspect of it, too, where you follow others and see what they pinned, and you can repin.

For example, I have decided that I MUST have a pair of brown cowboy boots for this fall. I don't know how realistic this is because actual cowboy boots are really expensive (thanks mom for spending all that money when I was showing horses), and not-actual cowboy boots don't really look enough like cowboy boots for my liking. So I pinned some boots I found online. I can embed individual pins on here, but not boards, which I'm not crazy about, but here ya go

Source: google.com via Heidi on Pinterest

I also have been hankering to buy a house in the next year or so. I mean, I guess after 30 and a kid, why not? I have my heart set on a Bunglow so I pinned some

Source: architecture.about.com via Heidi on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Heidi on Pinterest

So if anyone wants to get me something special for a special, oh I don't know, 30th birthday that's coming up in like 6 weeks . . well you know. Boots or a house. Whatever.

If you want on, email me and I'll invite you. Trust me, you want in on this.

9/11

2011-09-07T19:47:00.000-04:00

I have gone back and forth in my head about whether or not to write about 9/11. It seems kind of, I don't know, trite maybe, and like jumping on a band wagon.There are often tragedies that get played out on a national scene that, while we can appreciate how awful they must for the people directly related, do not really have anything to do with us. The Casey Anthony trial comes to mind- wow, what a tragic, horrible story and situation. It is easy for people to obsess over things like that, and to get emotionally invested, but really, it is not something that happened to me, and not something that changes my life in any way. And with 9/11, at first glance it seemed to me like maybe I would be taking on too much ownership by writing about it. I wasn't in New York, and I didn't know anyone at the time who died (although I now know someone who lost his brother in the towers). And yet when I think about 9/11, I'm thinking of something personal. And when I try to consider why that is, this phrase keeps coming to mind: "it happened to all of us". The same thing did not happen to all of us, but something happened to us, and I don't consider it a stretch, or like I'm taking on something I'm not entitled to when I make that statement. And I know that I'm not writing about it here for any other reason than to record my memories and my thoughts, and to help me process what has been weighing on my mind. And since it happened to you, too, maybe it will help you. I hope so.

On Facebook yesterday, a "friend" posted this question: if you had to talk about 9/11 to a group of high schoolers that don't remember it, what would you want them to know?". That question really caught my attention. I've wondered to myself several times over the past year what Elliott's world will be like to him, since he lives in a world where 9/11 happened a decade before he was even born. For him, it will be a world where the people who teach him in school will have a real possibility of barely remembering it, or even not remembering it at all. I've thought about what I'll tell him, and I relayed a little of that in my response to this person:

"What I would tell them is that we lived in a world where that was impossible right up until the moment it happened. You couldn't even comprehend it because to most Americans there was no such thing as the Taliban or no such person as Osama bin laden. Even if you followed politics closely the idea that we could be attacked was truly laughable. People joined the army with no expectation of combat. It really made you look at the world in an entirely new way."

And that is, for me, at the core of what happened, to me and many others, on 9/11. The way I understood the whole world changed. What happened on 9/11 didn't just seem impossible before it happened, in my mind, it WAS impossible. And those two realities, a world where an attack on US soil was so impossible that you never even had the thought "an attack on US soil is impossible" and the reality that it just happened, collided so fiercly for me and many others that day. Here is my memory:

I was a sophomore in college, a month and a half away from turning 20. I had a class that started at 9:00am that met in a classroom in my dorm building, so I rolled out of bed, threw on some clothes and went straight down there. My 2 roommates were still asleep, or in class, or something, I just remember that I didn't talk to anyone and I didn't turn on the tv or check my email or anything. Half way through class, about 5 minutes to 10:00, we had a break and I ran up to my room as I typically did. I opened the door and saw my roommates sitting in our living room area of our dorm room watching t.v., and one of them turned to me and said "2 planes crashed into the World Trade Center buildings in New York, and one just crashed into the Pentagon. We were watching it, and we actually saw the second plane crash live, like behind the reporter, they didn't know it was happening or anything, and we saw the one of the towers collapse just a minute ago"

I saw down to watch the coverage and remember feeling incredibly confused. I asked immediately, "Why? What happened? It couldn't have been an accident, right?" and one of my roommates responded, "its an attack". I don't remember exactly what else we said, but I remember asking an attack from who, and I think one of them said they think Afghanistan, and I thought, is that still a country? Why would they do that? After about 5 minutes, when our break time was up, I ran down to the classroom intending to tell anyone who didn't know and then come back upstairs, but on the way down I saw the professor and other students in the lounge of the building watching the television there, lookign like they were in shock. The professor told us that class was cancelled, and that she was going to pick up her kids from school. I remember her words were "I just need to go home and be with my husband and hug my children". I went back up to my room, and on the way saw one of my favorite professors, a younger guy who taught English. I told him that someone had hijacked planes and flown them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. He laughed and then said, "are you joking?" and I said no and that he needed to go find a t.v. When I got back up to my room, my roommates told me that another plane had crashed in a field in Pennsylvania, they thought it was related and that they were headed for D.C. but they must not have made it.

I didn't know what to do but felt like I should do something. I felt like I needed to make sure that everyone I loved knew about this. I called my parents and my mom answered; they were asleep. I asked her if she'd heard about the attacks and she said, "what attacks?". I told her that some planes were hijacked with people on them, and they flew them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon and another one crashed in Pennsylvania on its way to D.C., and as I was talking I heard her wake up my dad and say "Gary turn on the t.v.". I stayed on the phone for a minute with her while she watched the television, then got off so that she could figure out what was happening.

For the next 15 minutes or so we sat in mostly silence, except for a random comment by one of us about how many people were on board, or where the other plane might have been heading, or if there were more. We learned that the President ordered all the planes grounded and for military people to shoot down any that were still in the air. We learned the words Taliban and bin Laden, and that there were people in the world who wanted to kill Americans. Knowledge that many in the world knew, and that we were shocked to find out.

Around 10:30 I called my mom back. The numbness had wore off and I was feeling really scared and shaky and like I wanted to cry, and I just needed to call my mom and talk to her. I took the phone into our bathroom and called my mom, and when she answered I said hello and my voice broke. I sat down on the edge of the tub and started crying and she said, "Heidi, are you ok?" I sniffed loudly trying to compose myself and she said, "it's ok honey". I know we talked a little more but I don't remember what we said.

Like the rest of the country, and maybe the world, I spent the next hours and days watching television and taking breaks from watching television. My memories of that time are probably like yours- seared images of the buildings collapsing, of people standing in the streets of New York covered in ash and blood, their faces staring horrified at what they were seeing, fire fighters covered in black and grey soot and ash taking breaks to drink water, the Brooklyn bridge covered in a mass of thousands of people as Manhattan was evacuated, the President standing on a pile of rubble with a megaphone.

I was in a unique time in my life, right on the edge of teenage and adulthood. I was old enough to comprehend it but I was young enough to not have any knowledge of our country being a place of anything other than peace, safety and prosperity. And in the 10 years since, my understanding of the world is so drastically changed. I come back again to that concept, it happened to all of us. It happened to me, and I cannot even really articulate was "it" is. 9/11 is not just a date, it not just an event, it is not just a tragedy. It is the day that my world, and your world, changed.

Labor Day

2011-09-05T21:50:00.000-04:00

Today is probably the first Labor Day in my life that I actually have thought about Laborers. Laborors. Labourers. However it is spelled. In fact I am actually a little bit ashamed to admit that I did not know what Labor Day was about until the end of college or so. I honestly thought that Memorial Day was about remembering dead soldiers and Labor Day was about honoring people still serving. Why? No idea. But I'm going to blame it on the upper middle class funded, highly above average public education I received in the late 90's, when public education experienced its golden era. Thanks a lot, teachers who cared and a community that valued providing its young people with every opportunity imaginable.

Anyway! This Labor Day I could not help but think of the legislation happening all over the US and especially in my state of Ohio to limit the rights of public employees and collective bargaining agreements. I'm not going to get too political here, but I am going to mention something I heard someone say once at a symposium that I went to in grad school. She was talking about unions and how they were created to protect uneducated workers. She pointed out that educated people have tools with which to bargain- they have their degree, they have their experience, they have something to bring to the table that others don't, or at least something to compete with that sets them apart. But when you're a laborer, when you're essentially a cog in a machine, you have nothing to protect you but your work. If your boss wants to fire you because you had an emergency and showed up 5 minutes late, he will, because in the boss's eyes, there's 50 more "yous" lined up outside that can be trained in a couple of days. The only thing that they had to bargain with, the lecturer said, was their bodies and the potential to shut the whole operation down. So unions were formed. Food for thought. The end.

And now for a bunch of cute pictures of my kid. We spent the weekend with friends and other kids and buying a gigantic train table off Craigslist on a whim. It all started when I realized how much Elliott LOVES train tables when we go to a store that has one. Then I set up a little plastic train set he got for his birthday on a coffee table. He loved it, but there was only one train and it didn't run around it very well. So Friday we went to Ikea and I got him another train set, and set it up while he was taking his nap. When he woke up and saw it, he was so happy

It entertained him for that whole day, but the track didn't stay on that table well so I thought, we should get him one of those train tables. I'd thought about getting him one for Christmas, but I realized they are pretty cheap on Craigslist, yada yada, a quickly returned text message later and we are driving slowly through Cincinnati on back roads with this monstrosity hanging out the back of Matt's truck.

Now, because I am in a never ending quest to make my house that is completely overrun with toys not look like it is completely overrun toys, I did not of course leave it in the middle of the living room. It is tucked away in my entry way, where it is at least not noticeable when you're sitting in the living room.

which looks like this, in case you're wondering

Today we went to a little community pot luck get together at the park right by our house. I was invited by this couple that I went to college with and lived by in an apartment after college, and there were some other people from college there who I hadn't seen in a long time, so that was fun. But the BEST part about today was the weather. It was sweater weather and it was glorious. Elliott had a blast, especially when he saw some guys throwing around a football. He ran out to the field and held his arms out for the ball, and they were sweet enough to oblige for a few minutes.

Blog? No Blog?

2011-09-03T20:55:00.001-04:00

Wow I didn't have time to post for about a week and now there's a whole new Blogger interface. I like it!

So check this out. I'm coming up on the 6th anniversary of this blog. 6 years! I love writing and I love this blog, but I've been thinking lately about when it will be time for it to come to an end. I'm just not sure. Part of me feels like, with Facebook especially, it is not my main mode of keeping current with people I don't see often. However, I really do it for an outlet. I don't have as much time these days but when I do and I have something to say I think it really helps. So I don't think it is going anywhere any time soon, but I may not be able to keep up posting to more than once a week or so for a little while. I know, how will you go on?

Anyway, we are in September now and I have been looking forward to September for a while now. At the end of the month I am heading to San Diego for 5 days for a work trip. I'm looking forward to this because, hello, San Diego, but also it is coming with some anxiety about leaving Elliott for that long. I know that I will miss him very much, and I feel very guilty about being gone from him that long. I find myself thinking about other moms I know and when they left their kid overnight, and whether it was this early or not. I do that comparing a lot I'm finding- like if I can find enough moms whose kids have been in day care most of the time since they were 12 weeks old, then it makes it better for Elliott. I know that doesn't matter, but I still do it. I also feel guilty because this is not a mandatory work trip. It is a conference that is really beneficial for me, and that I'm presenting at, but shouldn't I only be going away for that long if I absolutely have to? I don't konw the answer to that, but I'm going, and it is San Diego, so I'm going to make the best of it.

In addition to that, my friend Sam will be in town which I am SUPER excited for, and hopefully the weather will cool off some, and football is back. September is a good month.

Now I'm going to go eat some ice cream. Here are some pictures from August

August 2011

Root, root, root for the Red Legs!

2011-08-28T21:13:00.000-04:00

My Aunt Char bought tickets to today's Reds game for herself, Matt, Elliott, my dad, my brother Cameron, my uncle, my cousin Noah, one of his friends (who stood in for my cousin Abi) and me. I have to admit that leading up to the game I wasn't sure how it would go with Elliott. We took him to a game around this time last year and he slept through most of it. But this year, I just kept thinking of how awesome it is to take him to a restaurant when he never wants to sit still and one of us has to be up walking around while the other eats. But he did really well, although we did have to move around the stadium a bit. Elliott had a great time, and I had a great time watching him have fun. This family stuff can be pretty amazing.

I have this weird cough and can hardly sleep so I am really tired and not going to write much. But I have an awesome kid.

Just Show Up

2011-08-23T10:55:00.000-04:00

I want to start this post by saying that I ripped the title off of a friend of mine who just began her own life coaching business, Aurorae. If you are thinking about those services and you're in the Cincinnati area, check her out. She also updates a blog on this website with thought provoking questions, answers, tips and reflections on life. I read her first post, Just Show Up, early last week and it was incredibly appropriate and I soon discovered, spot on.

Last week felt like it lasted a month. A very good friend of mine found out that her dad was in hospice care at a hospital and lost him Tuesday morning. I was honored to be with her and her family during this time and to represent our pack of friends, our Urban Tribe , during this period. I went to her hometown, about 90 miles away, twice to be with her, and there were definitely times when I wanted to help but wasn't sure how. At home, I tried to keep everyone updated, organize food drop offs and box collecting; the kind of things that you do when you want to do something but you don't really have anything to do. But I discovered that when you strip away those things, in situations like these, there isn't much else you can do besides just show up. So I did, and so others did, and I hope it was helpful in some way.

And while it probably seems odd or inappropriate to also discuss, last week I wrote about going to a concert with Matt. It seemed like a weird thing to do given what was happening with my friend and it seemed hard to bring myself to once again leave Elliott with a baby sitter when I knew I'd be gone from him more than I normally am. But it was important to Matt to go, so I did, and I was glad that I decided to just show up. As parents who both work outside the home we don't often get time to also try to be a couple, and it turns out that when you are going through something stressful it actually helps to be with the one you love and enjoy each other. And that was really good.

I feel like I make all of these schemes to try to figure life out. I come up with these plans for the future about how how I will ensure that I get the most out of every day, how I'll prepare food and get the house cleaned, how I'll take Elliott places so that he gets to do things that other kids get to do, and how to just basically organize my life so that my time and resources are being most fully utilized at all times so that everyone is happy and taken care of. And while those are noble goals, I realize that they are not the answer to a happy life. There is also importance in just showing up and being present where you are and attentive to who you are at all times. I think that the idea that you have control over your life is an illusion; it just means that things happened to work out how you wanted them to. A disruption can happen at any time that you can't stop and that can throw off everything you've worked so hard to arrange. When you plan to just show up, though, you have a plan that can be successfully activated no matter what happens.

Whoa

2011-08-17T23:53:00.001-04:00

All of that in the last post? Well, am awesome rock show outdoors on a beautiful evening with this guy was just what the doctor ordered. Glad I went.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I Shouldn't Be Writing This

2011-08-17T14:50:00.000-04:00

I shouldn't be, really. I have 101 things to do at work, and I need to get them done so I can leave work and go pick up Elliott at the baby-sitter's house. Then I have to take Elliott home and spent a few hours with him that are QUALITY HOURS, DAMN IT, until another baby-sitter comes while we go to a concert. Then I have to get up and get ready, drop Elliott off at the baby-sitter, go to work, scramble to get work done, scramble to get home for some more quality time while making dinner, cleaning up the house, until putting Elliott to bed and collapsing in front of the television for an hour, before going back to bed and doing it all over again for the next 50 years.

I'm finding that there are a lot of things in my life, some of them I have to do, some of them I want to do, and no time for anything else. I have things that I want to be doing but I just don't know how to make them happen. Mostly those things involve having some peace and quiet and down time. I want to sit on a porch with a cup of coffee in the morning and take 20 minutes to just be still and enjoy the quiet. I want a quiet evening where I just read all night until it is time to go to bed. I want to take a trip where I get to travel and relax and see things I'ver never seen that take my breath away. I want to clean the house and then sit around and look at it being clean and enjoy it.

I know that I am so priviledged and so lucky and I really am thankful. I have so much, and sometimes having all of that just overwhelms me and somehow makes me feel really unstable. I mean, I am doing something for fun tonight, and I want to go to this concert. It is just that when there's all of these other things, it just feels like something else to do. And when I'm going and doing I just want to sit and be quiet for a minute. And I don't really get that option a whole lot, so I'm sitting here and taking a few minutes of what would be a lunch break if I ever took a lunch break at work (which I don't really) and writing about wanting to do these things.

I know that there are ways to make things happen and that we make our own priorities and that if my biggest problem is that I don't get 20 minutes to drink some coffee on my porch I'm doing pretty well. But I want to do it anyway. So starting today, I'm going to be more mindful of my time. I'm going to spend less time zoning out in front of the tv when I have an hour of down time. I'm not going to pick up my phone when I get 10 minutes of free time to play a move on Words with Friends as often. I'm going to cut out the things that are piling up that are in neither the "want" nor "have" to do piles. Wish me luck!

14 Months

2011-08-12T21:37:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, Elliott turned 14 months old. I feel like he made a couple of big jumps into toddler hood this month. For one thing, he is now a one nap kid. This is actually pretty nice because it means I can do a lot more without worrying about having to be home mid-morning and mid-afternoon. And, this nap lasts at least two hours, usually closer to three which means I've had time to get some more stuff done around the house. In fact, I'm just now starting to feel like I have time to take on getting some major parts of this house organized and arranged for the first time since we moved in, when I was seven months pregnant. That is not just because of the nap arrangement, but because Elliott can do more playing on his own without needing more constant supervision. Toys are holding his attention more, and he will spend between 5-10 minutes working on a certain thing, like fitting blocks into a container or trying to get a key into the front door lock.

We've just moved his bedtime back from 7:30 to 8:00 and we'll see how that goes. He was just not seeming very sleep at 7:30 and would lay in his crib and get upset until after 8. The later time seems good, although so far it is not translating to a later wake up time and he's still getting up around 6:45. That doesn't matter at all 3 days a week when we have to leave the house by 7:20-7:30, but on the other 4 days it is kind of a bummer. He's incredibly pleasant and cheery when he wakes up, though, so it's hard to be too grumpy once I'm finally up. And have my coffee, of course.

Elliott still loves books, and his other favorite toys are mostly found in the kitchen. He loves playing with the pots and pans, pretending to make stuff and stir it with a wooden spoon. If I'm cooking something on the stove top he will get out a pan and lift it up towards the range and look at me, like, hello? When we've been at friends' houses that have play kitchens he really loves to play with those, and has been doing so at the baby-sitter's house. I am really tempted to go out and buy him a great play kitchen, but I'm convincing myself to hold off until Christmas when I plan to get him one if he's still into it (aka, anyone reading this, aka my mom, don't buy him one, please). He likes to play with balls and likes to hit things together and make noise. He's got a few toys that make music that he loves. Another thing he really loves are these train play tables. The baby-sitter has one that he spends a lot of time on, and most bookstores and toy stores have them, and the last time we were at a toy store I had to pull him away from the one he was playing with while he cried.

He hasn't really added any new words but he clearly understands more. He is able to follow simple directions, like "give this to daddy" (not that he always follows through, as he's easily distracted, but he will hold the thing out and start out towards Matt at least). He also will go locate things, if you ask him to find his shoes or Isabelle he heads to where both those things normally are (also, side note, he LOVES shoes and wants me or Matt to put different shoes on him all the time). If you ask him if he wants to go up the stairs or brush his teeth he walks over to the stairs or the bathroom. He really loves to brush his teeth, too. He uses his "more" sign pretty often when he wants something you're eating. I'm currently working on "Who Dey!" as his next words.

The most amusing change this month has been watching his various expressions really come out. I've always loved that his expressions are so totally pure and now he's adding more and more. The main one is this frown and eyebrow furrow that he gives when he's upset, and also that he tries to do now to make us laugh. I used to think it was a Matt expression, but I know I totally do it, too. If he can't get something to work right, or if he's mad because he thinks you want to take a toy from him, or if he's just generally puzzled or confused this look comes out. It cracks me up. I just love watching him react to his world because it means he's figuring things out. He's learning what he likes and what he doesn't, and that he has choices and options. He is getting upset when I tell him no and he is doing a little bit of tantruming, but so far just ignoring it seems to do the trick. I haven't been able to capture the eyebrow furrow frowny face well yet, because he smiles at the camera, but here are some more pictures that illustrate some other expressions beautifully. This was a great month.

And yes he's playing with tampons in one of those.

Life, For Real

2011-08-10T19:14:00.000-04:00

Well I'm back at work and to be honest, it hasn't been that awful.

(Pause here for a moment to say that all of this makes me feel both happy and guilty at the same time. Shouldn't it have been awful for me? And for Elliott? What does it mean that it wasn't? I don't know. Hopefully nothing bad.)

Ok so yeah, when I dropped him off at the baby-sitter on Monday he took a look around and bee-lined for his favorite toy with barely a nod at me. Knowing that he was happy there was a big relief. And I think he had gotten a little bored without all of his friends to play with every day.

(Pause here for a moment to say that when I'm feeling selfish, I get jealous when he's not horribly upset to be left at the baby-sitter, because I feel like that means he doesn't need me and or that he likes being somewhere else that is away from me. But in my right mind moments, I'm really just happy that he is happy and well taken care of. )

Things are work are really busy but exciting. I'm hiring a new full time staff person and really excited about all of those possibilities. Also, fall quarter is approaching and the thing I like the best about working on a college campus is fall quarter. We are also participating in a new community service initiate at work that I'm psyched about. I will write more on that later.

August looks like it is going to be kind of a transition month. September holds some really great things, in addition to my favorite time on campus: my friend Samantha is coming into town, I am going to San Diego, football, a 3 day weekend, fall t.v. shows, and hopefully more cool weather. But I am trying to slow myself down on months like August. Now that I have a kid I am realizing that I'm not so eager for the next exciting thing to get here, because it reminds me of how quickly time passes. Normally around this time I am totally pumped for fall weather and then the holidays, but this year I'm trying to take it slow. For one thing, I want to really try to savor Elliott at all of his little stages. For another, I am turning 30 in November and whoa. That's crazy.

So I'm back in real life. My week off was great. I feel rejuvenated. I feel closer to my son. I feel excited about what's coming up. I feel totally scatterbrained trying to think of what's going on and put it into words. Also, I'm thinking I need to cut back on the iced tea. I've turned into something of an iced tea addict and in addition to keeping me up at night, it is kind of making my mind race a mile a half a minute, which is a half mile more than normal.

What?

An Alternate Reality

2011-08-06T21:10:00.000-04:00

Today is Saturday, and tomorrow is the last day I get to spend pretending like I'm not a working mom. This week has been awesome, and I have a lot of things to think about, reflect upon, and try to change going forward. Several people, when hearing what I was doing with my week off, made jokes along the lines of "oh you'll be ready to go back to work in no time!" or "that's not a vacation!" and I was very proud of myself for just politely smiling when I heard them. I was proud because actually, what I wanted to do was snap at them about how a. I understand what it means to take care of my child, because I do it every day, so don't act like I have no idea what I'm in for and b. getting to spend all day with him for 10 days in a row IS a vacation and will be awesome. And guess who was right? Me. I love it when that happens! I don't feel ready to go back to work, or exhausted, or exasperated. I feel happy about the time we had, rested from having a week away from work, and sad that it is over already.

Now whenever I feel sad about my circumstances and being away from Elliott so much, I've learned that I can do one of two things. I can wallow in that sadness, or I can invoke my my three-part strategy to make myself less sad. The first part involves reminding myself to be thankful for the many ways in which I am fortunate as a mother instead of dwelling on the one way in which I'm less fortunate. For posterity (even though I've written about them already on here) they boil down to:
1. Elliott is alive and healthy. There are plenty of people who have had babies and one of those things is not true.

2. My job pays me well enough to be able to afford to give my son a comfortable existence. We're not rich. But we have everything we need and a little extra for some things we want. So many working mothers (and fathers) can't say the same. I am very thankful for my job.

3. My job is flexible and I get to work full time and still get to spend some time at home with Elliott outside of the weekend and a couple of hours each night.
The second part is to think about what I've learned recently, especially as it relates to me as a mom and Elliott as a son. And this week I definitely learned some things. This is the first time I've taken off work just to be home and not do anything or go anywhere since my maternity leave (another way in which I'm lucky: we get a RIDICULOUS amount of vacation time at my work so I can take time off like this). Doing this has given me a window into this alternate life that exists in some plane where I'm a stay at home mom. From these 5 days I can assume the following is true in that world (or would be true since I don't really believe in alternate realities):

1. I'd cook a lot more. I wrote a post recently about how I hate cooking, but I learned this week I don't hate it as much if it's not competing with limited time I get to spend with my son. I made dinner every night this week, and I even varied from my normal menu of easy meals. I made an amazing, healthy vegetarian sloppy joe recipe, including homemade sloppy joe sauce, not from a can-whoa! And I enjoyed being able to eat a good meal that I had prepared! It was crazy.
2. My house would be much more in order. Sure, there are still toys strewn about all over the place. But every day for about 2-3 hours, Elliott naps and do you know what you can get done in 2-3 hours a day without a toddler running around?? Floors mopped, closets organized, laundry done. It's amazing, especially since today is Saturday and besides loading the dishwasher and going over the kitchen floor with my Haan after I spilled an entire bowl of cheerios and milk all over the place, I haven't had to do any of those things.

3. I'd gain weight and buy more toys. Man was it easy this week to grab pastries or cookies here and there while we were out, and to go find some fun toys that I thought Elliott would enjoy as we spent more time playing together.

4. Elliott and I would be apart much less often. Now part of that is a no brainer- um, duh, I wouldn't be at work. But I think that if I stayed home full time I'd be even less inclined to leave him with a baby sitter or with my parents. Elliott is pretty attached to me anyway, and takes a while to warm up to other people in social situations. He also prefers me to Matt most of the time and cries when I leave the room. This week all of that was amped up, and I found myself responding to it by becoming even more attached to him. Not that I wasn't attached to him before, of course. But I found that when I didn't have other things to think about during the day, he just consumed my thoughts. I definitely think about him all of the time normally, but for many hours in the day I'm being forced to think about other things. And with the increase in thinking about him I just felt like I should be around him more.

And that last point is the one that troubles me the most. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong if I can have times when I feel MORE attached to my child, does that mean that there are times I feel less attached to him? Does it mean that work is just distracting me from how I really ought to think and feel about him?

And to answer those question, or help answer those questions, I look to the third and final part of my three-part approach, which is where I try to take what I've learned and apply it to my life going forward. To come back to those questions, what I think is actually going on with #4 is that this has been a great experience that Elliott and I have had that has brought us closer together. I believe that everyone has those experiences with their kid regardless of their proximity. I have never felt unattached to my son. In fact, if you had told me a week and a half ago I'd be saying this, I'd tell you that it would be impossible for me to feel like I love him anymore than I did then. But now, I do. And that is great.

And when I put all of that together with numbers 1-3 (except the part about gaining weight, which is just peripheral) I can say this about my life now: I know that it is ok to prioritize my time in a way that means that spending time with Elliott comes first and other things come second. I have to work. But sometimes I question whether or not I should really do as much working from home, or take as much time off, because I feel guilty if work would suffer. But this week has cemented in my mind how the time with my son is actually more important than work. That at the end of my life, I'd rather say I was a good mom than a good career woman. And the same is true for cooking dinner and having my house clean. I have had great meals (ok, good meals) on the table every night this week and haven't been scrambling to keep up with my housework. And you know what? While it has been nice, it's not that life altering. So going forward, I will give myself permission to have sandwiches for dinner and leave the sheets on the bed a little longer between washings, because at the end of my life I'd also rather remember this time in my life as a time that I got to cherish with my son and not as a time when I made awesome dinners and had a spotless house. Finally, I've decided that I am going to do this taking time off just to be home more often. I unfortunately don't get so much vacation time that I can take a week here, a week there, but I can take a 4 day weekend every month, and I will be doing at least that.

So there you have it- my 3-part, cognitive behavioral approach to lessening the guilt and sadness of being a full time mom who also works outside the home. And they say you can't counsel yourself!

And finally, here are a couple of videos I took this week. This one is a quick video of Elliott and the goats (because I didn't want to keep my hands off of him too long, I didn't video more than this, but picture this as Elliott ran from goat to goat to goat, only most of the time he also bent down and kissed them)

And this is of my genius child, who figured out on his own how to bypass the safety latches in the bathroom

SAHM Post 3

2011-08-04T21:27:00.001-04:00

There may be some people who find "here's what I did with my kid" posts kind of boring, but, I really love having this record on here on what we did and what Elliott is up to. In addition to journaling for narcissists, blogging also seems to be a kind of digital scrapbook, a place to record your life in both memories and photos. When I'm done with blog I think it would be cool to somehow print it out and have it made into a book of some kind so I can keep it when the internet goes out of style. You know, nothing lasts forever. Ha!

Anyhoo! Once again, another awesome day with Elliott. We went to this fancy little confection shop in town (the Bonbonerie) to get cookies and macarons* for breakfast, because I'd never been there and I'm on vacation so I can eat cookies and macarons for breakfast. Then we went to buy Elliott a new (used) toy at the local kid's consignment shop (a wooden coffee pot/coffee maker for the kitchen, which he played with all night), and then to this park in town called Lunken Airport. It is actually an airport for small planes, and there's a golf course and running trails and a playground there. When my brother Steve and I were young we lived in Florida and we would come up and spend about a month in Cincinnati and Detroit visiting our grandparents and families in both places. My aunt Char would take about a week off work and take us to every kid friendly attraction in Cincinnati every time we were here- the zoo, amusement parks, baseball games, bowling, swimming, and to play at Lunken Airport. 25-30 years ago there was this old train and tank and a couple of pieces of playground equipment. Today there is The Land of Make Believe, a huge sprawling play area with 3 or 4 different pieces of jungle gyms and playground equipment, swings, and lots of trees for shade. But there in the midst of all that industrial strength plastic and rubber, there were 3 metal, spring loaded rocking toys that I recognized right away from the old playground. As a person who doesn't really have a hometown to speak of anymore, I think it is so cool that my son played on the same piece of playground equipment that I did as a little girl

Tomorrow is our last day and I'm not sure what we'll do to celebrate, although I think it will involve a lot of playing in our pajamas. I've learned a few important things this week, and am thinking about how I can incorporate those lessons into my life going forward. More on that later because I just found out that Erin is coming over with pints of ice cream. Perfect ending, perfect day.

* This is not the same thing as a macaroon. Knowing this but having never said the word I pronounced it maca-ron to show how cultured I am. The woman said, "macaroon?" and when I said, "I thought it was pronounced differently" she just rolled her eyes and said, "its totally French". So I don't know how it is pronounced.

SAHM Week Update 2

2011-08-03T21:46:00.000-04:00

I've had the most amazing last 5 days. I forgot to mention that my brother and sister-in-law were in town from South Dakota Saturday and Sunday, so on top of the awesomeness of being able to be home with Elliott I got to see them. Here are some pictures that I just love

Here, Elliott just found out that Uncle Steve is a Republican. I believe his response was, "say what?"

"We are men, here is a man thing to look at" "Yep, sure is"

Uncle Steve at Sugar and Spice

3 Pettyjohn Domes

We love you Auntie Allison and Uncle Steve!

At the zoo with one of our friends

Who craps in his pants and loves goats? This guy:

Chillin' in the kitchen. It has been hot here.

SAHM Day 1

2011-08-01T22:06:00.001-04:00

This week is my stay at home mom week with Elliott, and as our first day together ends I feel a little bit like I felt every day of my maternity leave- happy for the great day we had but bummed as thoughts of going back to work creep in my head. But like during those weeks I'm going to do my best to just be present and not dwell on the sadness.

Today was awesome. We stayed at my mom and dad's house last night so the first part of the day was in Lexington and then driving home. We got home and because it's still hotter than what should be legal in Ohio we just hung out inside. I used to wonder what little kids did all day, and I'll tell you what a 14 month old does- he plays! With anything and everything. And as I watched him play I thought to myself, "this is his life". All day he plays and explores and has fun and giggles and runs and discovers how to do things. And I felt like there was no place I should have been in that moment than watching him do all of these things that he does best.

And I loved the freedom of today- the freedom of no responsibility besides just being his mom. I don't mean that to belittle anyone, because being a parent is a great responsibility. I am in charge of providing for and protecting and raising the most important person in the world. But, I always have that responsibility, and right now I don't have any of the other huge responsibilities that I also normally have. No worrying about budgets or schedules or contracts or whether or not people are going to do what they said they'd do. No dreading having to walk away from my crying son as he reaches out to me. No thinking about what I have to get done tomorrow at work AND at home and how exhausting it's going to be. Just thinking about Elliott and how much fun we are going to have at the zoo with our friends.

If you're a stay at home (or mostly stay at home) mom and you're reading this, just take a moment to be thankful for what you have. It's incredible.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thirty is the new twenty

2011-07-27T10:59:00.001-04:00

I had a really interesting conversation with my boss yesterday. We were talking about people getting older and hitting new milestones, and I mentioned that I'll be turning 30 in November. Now, my boss was my boss when I was a grad student, and then wasn't for a while, and now is again, so she's known me for 6 years. I'm guessing it's one of those things where you don't realize how long it's been, though, because her draw dropped in a way I've only seen it drop once before, which was when I was pregnant, and ironically she asked me the same question yesterday that she asked me when I dropped that first bomb on her: "are you freaking out??"

And I'm not, not really. I told her what I've been telling myself for several months now, which is that I think that my 30's will be everything I thought my 20's would be. I think, if I remember correctly, that I thought my 20's would be my time to establish who I was in the world. That by the time I hit 30 I'd be basically done with the whole "growth and exploration" part of my life and ready for some slowing down and settling in. That I'd finally have enough money (ha!) to do what I wanted to do, whether that was own a house or travel a lot or finally have some babies. I thought that your 20's were the time to put in the grunt work with your career so that by the time you were 30 you could be making some good money and be established and respected. I thought I'd be a grown up.

But my goodness, that is not where I find myself. I am really happy where I am right now, and I feel quite confident in who I am, and who I am not, and letting that be known to the world. But done with the growing and the exploring? No way! In fact, I feel like the last 10 years were me creating the basis for what is now the starting point of my adulthood. I definitely don't think that I'll be ready for some slowing down and settling in any time in the coming decades. And as far as the career goes, well, I think now, at almost 30, I'm finally to a place where I'm no longer looked at as a kid who doesn't know anything, which is great, but I am still very much considered a "young professional", which is also great. I think that my 30's will allow me to just keep growing and that by 40 I'll be able to be in a position where I can truly lead and make a difference on a larger scale.

But you know, who knows? In 10 years I might be thinking very similar thoughts to what I'm thinking now. I do know that my concept of "old" is radically different now than it was 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago. I'd put it around 70 now. I won't even say what I would have put it at before. I also feel a lot of excitement about the decade ahead, and where I'll be this time in 10 years. Another thing my boss said is that the 40's are, in her opinion, the absolute best. I'm pretty pumped to see what that's all about, too.

I am also super excited about this birthday. I love celebrating my birthday and this one is going to be a doozey. No idea what's happening yet, but, it'll be good.

Food Stuffs

2011-07-23T21:55:00.000-04:00

My friend Rachel, of Reading Rachel and Audioblitz fame (check her out, she's pretty much the Jason Bourne of librarians), recently left a comment asking if we are raising Elliott as a vegetarian baby. Since I get essentially no questions ever from my blog (except when my mom calls to ask me why she had to find out I was sick by reading it), I am absolutely thrilled to answer one! And the answer to that question is yes! Matt is a vegetarian, and I am not, but I hardly ever eat meat these days and we don't eat it in the house at all (not as a rule or anything, but because I really hate to cook and I especially hate to cook if it's just me that's going to be eating). Once Elliott got old enough for us to think about what he'd eat, Matt said it was important to him for Elliott to be a vegetarian so we're trying it out.

I think that there are a few key things that make this successful, and one of the biggest is that our pediatrician is really supportive. I've heard of other pediatricians telling parents that if their kid isn't eating meat that they should be very concerned, but I am guessing that is probably more because if your family isn't vegetarian, you probably don't do the things you need to do to make sure you're getting all of the nutrients you need without meat. And that brings me to the other thing that makes it successful (at least this far), which is just paying close attention to what we feed him and making sure he's getting a good mix of all of the nutrients he needs. That is actually a little bit difficult because right now he's still kind of a picky eater, but I think his preferences are expanding- tonight he even ate black beans and rice! But it is great because it does make me think more closely about what I feed him than I probably normally would.

One drawback to Elliott eating real food at all right now is that it means that cooking needs to happen basically daily, and I really hate to cook. I was in denial about this fact for a long time; I think I thought that I should like to cook, but I've finally just given into the fact that I don't. It's not so much the cooking as it is the time it takes up, time that could otherwise be spent doing any number of more enjoyable and/or necessary things. Matt actually likes to cook, and does a good job at it, but since I get home earlier than he does every day of the week except for 1, it's pretty much up to me to make something if I want something to eat before 7:30 or 8 at night. I was struggling with getting this done, though, big time, because I would never really plan out what to eat, and I wouldn't have all the right food, and I, again, hate everything about cooking including sitting down every week to plan out meals. I know it doesn't seem like it would take much time, but, there are a lot of chores that need to get done that don't seem like they take much time, until you add them all together, and then they do.

So I had this genius idea. There are basically 4 meals that I do not mind cooking, that don't take much time to cook, and that are relatively healthy: beans and rice, veggie spaghetti/pasta (with whole wheat pasta, and mushrooms, tomatoes, and peppers), tacos/taco salad, and sandwiches with salad/soup. So I wrote them on a piece of paper, stuck it on the fridge with the 4 corresponding week nights that I'm home (I work late Wednesday nights) and told Matt that this is what I'll be making for dinner on these nights, every week. Understandably, he was not extremely thrilled at this news, but agreed that if he wanted something besides one of these, that he could make it. And this way, I know what to shop for every weekend. I'm actually, once again, amazed at my own brilliance.

Post galore and not a minute to spare

2011-07-22T11:54:00.001-04:00

I have about 4 posts that I've written to about 75% completion on my phone at night, while I lay in bed, and I just don't have the time to get on here and finish them. Work is insanely busy and life at home is insanely busy. Here is 1 of them...

I will start out by saying that 1. I know lots of stay at home moms who don't do this and 2. I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their feelings. That being said, I can't help but notice lately on Facebook and through some "mommy blogs" that I read (not anyone I know personally) that there are quite a few stay at home moms who seem to really hate staying home with their kids. Or at least, they seem to enjoy writing about hating it and others seem to enjoy reading about it which makes me think that others also feel that way.

I don't know what it is like to be home full time with a baby or kids. I do know that on Fridays I am home all day with Elliott and I love those days, and I'm ready for Matt to come home at the end of the day. It is tiring running around after a 1 year old! And it is also my second favorite day of the week (Sunday is my first, because we are all home together and it is pretty laid back). I also know from talking to friends who have stayed home or who stay home that there are challenges. Kids are not always easy to be around, after all, even your own. You miss out on real adult interaction. You might feel as though you're missing out on your career. Or you might just realize that it is not actually for you, so you go back to work. And that's fine and I think it's great to talk about these things when you can, because knowing that all of those feelings are normal is, from what I understand, really helpful in coping when it is difficult.

And yet there seems to be this extreme it gets taken to that makes me uncomfortable. I read this blog post, by a stranger, that was voted favorite blog post of the month by some online blogging community, and it was about how much she hates playing with her kids. I believe the title was, ""You Mean I Have to Play with These Kids??", followed by an expletive-laden post talking about how boring kid's games are and how annoying it is to play with kids who complain and don't follow rules, and how she had never realized that she would have to do this before she had kids. She does eventually put in a "sometimes", like, I "sometimes" feel this way, and she demurs that she knows she might be missing out on these great opportunities and sometimes it's awesome to play with them. But mostly, she hates it. And as I read it I just kept thinking "ARE YOU KIDDING ME LADY?"

I guess I get angry about this kind of thing for 2 reasons. Number 1, this is not breaking news. Do you really think you're dropping bombs of wisdom on us that Chutes N Ladders is a boring game? Um, no shit, it's geared for 3-4 year olds. Or maybe you think that you're being some kind of brave woman for actually admitting this- um, really? Who DOESN'T think that playing with your kids is boring sometimes? Everyone thinks that! You don't have to act like a freaking martyr about it. Which is reason number 2- you are not a victim of some awful thing because you get annoyed with your small children who don't know how to act like grown ups. You get to stay at home with your kids! And instead of acknowledging the rough parts and celebrating the good parts, you choose to celebrate the rough parts and briefly acknowledge the good parts. You are fortunate enough to be able to make it so that you can be home with your kids. I am also that fortunate, even if it's not as often as I'd like. But there are single moms and dads who work 2 jobs or 3 jobs and never see their kids. There are women who lived in third world countries who strap their kid on their back while they go digging through mounds of trash looking for something to sell for 10 hours a day. And you want to spend your time and energy shouting out to the world how much you hate playing tea party with your daughter because she gets mad when you won't give her real cookies?

I know this is judgy. But as a woman who has to drop her son off at another woman's house 4 days a week, while he cries and struggles to get away from the baby sitter, with his arms stretched out to me while I turn and walk out the door and then go cry in my car on the way to work, I struggle with reading about it. Talking to my good friends about the real issues they have? No problem. Watching people wallow in their own self pity over an awesome reality that I wish was mine? Cannot do it anymore.

But complaining doens't do any good, so now that I've done that, what can I do about it? Well I can remember to enjoy the time I do have as much as possible. I can encourage people I know so that they can remember to make the most of their time. And! The main thing that I decided to do is to carve out some extra time with Elliott. I am getting the chance to do that soon, and I am so excited. His baby sitter is going out of town the first week of August. I was going to try to find a replacement but I decided that I would just take the week off. Work is so crazy that I need a break, and I cannot wait to pretend to be a full time stay at home mom for a week. I plan to try to fit in all of the fun things that moms get to do with their kids in that week- we are going to go to the zoo, to the aquarium, to the splash park, on a play date, on a picnic, to get ice cream. I know it won't be a restful week by any means, but I am so excited for it. One more week to go!

Pox and Pestilence

2011-07-17T21:05:00.000-04:00

Blogging has been light this week because Elliott and I have been ailing with what my boss referred to as "pox and pestilence". Early in the week Elliott came down with Fifths Disease, otherwise known as a virus that gives babies a fever for a night then covers them with a raised rash all over their bodies for a week or so. His pediatrician told me that it really doesn't bother young kids much, and indeed Elliott has seemed fine except for his rash. She did say that if adults get it it can be much worse, but that most people get it as children and are then immune so I should be fine.

Well, duh. I got it. I had a fever for about 2 days which overlapped with some severe joint pain all over. A quick Google and call to my rhuematologist and I was sure I had Fifths, since the main symptoms in adults are fever and joint pain all over. Luckily I have some low dose prednisone to take if I need it for my RA, so I took that and was better. Then Saturday morning I woke up with a sinus headache that would not quit. I took copious amounts of medicine all weekend and finally found some cocktail that seemed to make it tolerable. I don't know if the headache is related to Fifths or just a bonus, but I do know that a rash usually comes and sure enough when I got out the shower this morning (oh ok fine, this afternoon) I had red rashy bumps all over my stomach and back.

So there's my whining. Luckily Matt is awesome (I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again) and let me sleep A LOT while he took care of Elliott. We did manage to have some fun on Friday night when we had dinner with some friends and then went to go see Elliott's Grandpa Barrett and his band The Modulators play. We only saw a few songs but Elliott loved the live music. Here are some pictures of that and other cuteness

13 Months

2011-07-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

We were at a party or a get together or something this past year when Matt asked a mom how old her daughter was, and she replied in months. Then he asked, "how old are our kids before we have to stop referring to them in months?". If I'm out and a mom of another kid running around asks me, I answer in months, because I think that all moms ask that question to do a kind of comparison of development, but more so, to figure out what this kid is capable of to ensure that their kid interacts appropriately (or at least, that's why I do it). But when anyone else asks, I usually say "he turned 1 in June". I suppose when he gets closer to 18 months I'll say "a year and a half" and when he gets closer to 2 I'll say "he'll be 2 in June".

Just in case any of you are wondering, there's my plan.

I will not be doing the monthly shirt things anymore, but I will still be posting monthly updates here, because I like to have this record of what he's doing. I may have something cooked up for a half birthday, I'm still thinking about it. But today, Elliott is 13 months old and/or he turned 1 a month ago.

This month the thing that stands out most to me is his imitating. He has figured out that there's a correct way to use items and he tries to use them accordingly, or at least how he sees us using them. He was doing a bit of this when he turned 1, but now it seems like it is all day, every day. It is pretty cute and definitely amazing how much he observes and mimics. Some examples that I can recall are: he continues to vacuum with the little stick vacuum; he tries to throw his food in the sink when he's done with it (because if he drops something I just pick it up off the floor and throw it into the side of the sink with the disposal); he puts lids on things; he lays his head on the pillow and looks up at me and grins when he's sitting on our bed; he goes over to the shoe bin and pulls out his shoes and tries to put them on (sometimes when we're getting ready to go, and sometimes just for fun); he pumps the bicycle pump; he holds the phone or his hand or a toy up to his ear and pretends to talk into it; and when I was blowing his inflatable pool up the other day and I started to blow it up with my mouth, he leaned his mouth over and put it on the pool. Adorable.

He's still not the most adventurous eater. His diet consists of peanut butter sandwiches on whole wheat or pita bread, bananas, cottage cheese, yogurt, steamed carrots and squash, baby carrots, rice cakes, cheese cubes sometimes, tofu "chicken" nuggets (as my boss said, "kids just love a chicken nugget, no matter where it's from"), blueberries, cherries, strawberries sometimes, grapefruit sometimes, graham crackers, pasta and tomato sauce, any baked thing (cookies, cake, muffins), rice, and macaroni and cheese. We keep trying to offer him other stuff, and hopefully he'll get interested in trying new things, like anything green.

He is definitely using his voice a lot, almost constant babbling with inflections in it. He is starting to say some words with more consistently, like dada/daddy, mama, "ba" for ball and sometimes for book, a "kuh" sound for clock, and "nana" or banana for, obviously, banana. If I ask him where daddy is, he'll go running into the room where Matt is while exclaiming "adadadadaddydadada!" excitedly and in a high pitched voice. Another insanely cute thing he does is when he wants to sit in your lap, he'll stand in front of you with his back to you, and then back up into your lap. Not related to talking, but cuteness nonetheless.

He loves music, and he is often carrying around any one of his toys that makes music and bobbing his head along with it. He also really seems to enjoy water. We've had him in a real swimming pool, his baby pool, and he likes to spray the garden hose and he still likes to take baths, and this weekend we took him to a splash park and he had a ball. Here are some cute pictures of my 13 month old (excuse the too tight shirt- we just grabbed something to throw on him so as to avoid another full body sun screen slathering)

The Power of No

2011-07-10T15:16:00.017-04:00

When I was training to become a counselor, I learned about 4 different forms of behavior modification in children: positive and negative reinforcement, and positive and negative punishment. Reinforcement is about trying to increasing good behavior, punishment is about decreasing bad behavior. When you reinforce positively, it means that you give a child something pleasant as a reward for good behavior (a trip to the park for cleaning up the house). When you reinforce negatively, it means you take away something unpleasant as a result of good behavior (they can stay up and watch a movie if they behave well during dinner with company). Positive punishment is about introducing something unpleasant when they do something bad (time out for refusing to clean their room) and negative punishment is taking something away as a result of bad behavior (no movie night because they yelled at mom during dinner). The science shows that reinforcement "works" better than punishment, aka, when you use reinforcement you get the behavior you want more often than if you use punishment.

What I've learned from parenting a toddler is that if you honestly have the time to think about all of that and carefully pick the best course of action while your kid is screaming because you took away the remote control he was playing with, then you are some kind of wizard or zen master or liar. So, you just try your best and do something that is somewhere along the middle that fixes the problem while not doing something totally wrong, unless you do, and then you just try and do better next time. Now, I have no idea where this technically fits in with all of that theory, but one thing I have had success with this far, is using the word "no". I know there are those out there who believe that you should never say it, those who have never had children of their own I'd bet, but Elliott knows what it means and 9 times out of 10, he listens to it. And this is kind of amazing to me, and every time it works I wonder how old he'll be when he figures out that I don't have any actual control over his actions. I have control over making his environment or experiences unpleasant should he do what I've told him not to, but control to actually be able to stop him before he does something he wants to do, no. Hopefully, that discovery is not any time soon.

Oddly enough, or maybe not, this whole concept of reinforcement is also spilling over into work right now. Only there, I would call it being assertive, and I've been given a giant heaping of assertiveness training in the last 6 months or so at work. I already considered myself good at what I do, and, one thing that makes me good at what I do is that I make things happen. And that is important. A quote that I love is "you're not paid to work hard, you're paid to get results"; no matter how hard you're working, if you're not getting results then it does not matter. For a long time in my professional career that was easy enough, because whatever the "thing" was, was basically just something I could do on my own, and I did it, and it was done. Lately, however, the things that I need to get done involve other people doing work. And sometimes those people are service providers who technically are supposed to respond to requests but don't, and somehow their world works in such a way that them not doing their job isn't a problem for anyone but me.

So, because I have to get stuff done whether anyone is cooperating well or not, I've had to learn to stick up for myself, and I think that this is one way in which being a working mom really helps me succeed in both arenas. I'll admit that I use a lot of positive punishment when I want someone to get something done at work. Introducing something probably unpleasant (my constant phone calls and emails and meeting requests) to get a behavior (ignoring my requests) to decrease. Or maybe I could label it negative reinforcement- the implicit understanding that the negative thing that exists (my constant phone calls and emails and meeting requests) will decrease when the positive thing I want (completing my work request) is done. Either way, I do it and it works. Some might call what I'm doing nagging or bitching, but I refuse to call it that, because for one thing, no one ever calls a man who does this kind of thing a nag or a bitch, and for another, all I'm asking is for someone to do their job so that I can do mine. I've learned the best way to be assertive involves a couple of things (and I'm by no means the first person to put these suggestions down in writing)

1. Make statements instead of asking questions. For example, instead of saying, "can we meet sometime to discuss this?", I say, "let me know when you can get together next week to discuss this"

2. Following up. If I haven't heard from someone by the time they said that they would contact me, I will call that person until I get them on the phone. This was something I didn't do for a long time because I felt like I shouldn't have to, and I felt like it was maybe rude of me to bother them. But then I realized that sometimes people don't do what they said they would do, and that is actually rude, so not following up is just enabling that behavior.

3. Don't thank someone for doing their job, or at least, wait until the job is done. I've found that, especially when dealing with men, once you start thanking them that changes the situation from them doing something that they should do to them doing something nice for you. If I have an ongoing project, and I am at meetings to see how the progress is going, I've learned to say that I like something or that I'm happy with how something turned out without thanking them for it.

All of that assertiveness really breeds confidence, and I think that helps with being a good mom. When I tell Elliott no, it is because he's doing something that is dangerous for either him or the environment he's in. When he wants to play with the television remote, and I don't want him to, I just get him interested in something else. But when he's reaching for the switch to the garbage disposal (which, some genius installed on the front of the cabinet under the sink), he gets a "no", because it will always be there and he needs to know that he's not allowed to touch it. I have the confidence to know that when I tell him no, even if he does not like, it is because it is what is best for him and what is best for all of us. And when I'm assertive at work, I know the same thing; I am not doing something wrong, I am doing what is best for me. And in both of those cases, I think that those are the best reasons. Parenting is about doing what is best for Elliott and for our family, and working is about what is doing what is best for me, which allows me to keep my job and make money and continue to learn and grow and achieve.

And just FYI, work is a whole lot easier in pretty much every way.

Take 2

2011-07-06T22:17:00.000-04:00

Last night my little brother Cameron spent the night with us, and tomorrow he and my parents are going on a trip to visit my brother Steve and sister-in-law Allison in South Dakota. I loved having Cameron here, as always, and I was so glad that he still wanted to come and hang out with me and stay at our house. I'm also pretty sad that I don't get to go on this trip because I would really love to see all my siblings at the same time. I miss them. And all that has been making me think about the question that I'm getting asked here and there lately, which is whether Matt and I talk about having another kid. And man, that's a tough question to answer. Actually, no, that question is easy to answer- I talk about having another kid and Matt just looks petrified. But, to the question of whether or not I want to have another kid, that is complicated.

There is a part of me that just screams, "are you kidding me??" I mean, I'm just now to the point where I look forward to going to sleep every single night because I know it is very likely that I will get to get a good night's sleep. But I'm still exhausted at the end of the day, running from home to baby-sitter to work to baby-sitter to home and trying to get everything done that needs to be done. I cannot imagine having to go through all of the new born stuff again, but this time with a toddler who is napping less and less every day! And as much as I appreciate my job, and I am enjoying the challenges I'm facing while I'm there, it is still not my ideal to have to work full time and have a baby, so until my finances get to the point where I could work only 2-3 days a week, I just don't know how I could do it. I'd like to have another kid when Elliott is around 4, and no older than 5, and I have no idea if my finances will be line to be able to stay home more by then. Additionally, the medicine I take for rheumatoid arthritis is very dangerous to fetuses, so much so that my rheumatologist said that she recommends termination if patients get pregnant while taking it because it is so unlikely that the baby won't have really significant and life threatening birth defects. So when I plan to have another baby, I have to get off of that for several months and try to find something else that controls my RA well that is safe to take while pregnant. When I think about the logistics, there are just so many factors working against being able to have another baby that it seems really unlikely.

But, despite all of that, when asked if I want to have another kid at some point, my gut reaction is "of course!". On one hand, having a newborn is like the hardest thing ever in the whole world. On another hand, it is pretty awesome. And having a kid period is amazing. I think about how cool it would be to have another who I would love as much as I love Elliott, and I think that would make life incredible. And beyond that, the thought of giving Elliott a sibling, and giving this potential kid Elliott as a sibling, is really important to me and I hope that I can make it happen for him. I love my parents and I love my friends and family, but next to Elliott and Matt, my brothers are hands down my favorite people in the whole world. I've heard from many people that they have felt guilty at the thought of having a second child, like they are taking something away from their first, and I just want to yell, "No! There's nothing to feel guilty about! You're giving them the best thing ever!". Now some of that may be me wanting to come to the defense of other second children, we poor people who have to suffer with hand me down toys and never having as many pictures around as the first child has. And don't even get me started on if we become middle children!

But honestly, I know that it is much more about how truly awesome it is to have a sibling; someone who understands you more than anyone else can, a built in friend (even if you fight), and one of those rare people who will love you absolutely no matter what you do. That's what I have with my brothers, and I would love to give that to Elliott and to another child of mine. And even though it seems like it would be really complicated unless life changes in some important ways, I don't let the logistics get me down too much. If there's one thing that having an unplanned baby teaches you, it's that when kids come along, it turns out ok one way or another.When I was first pregnant, a couple of people told me that even though things seemed crazy that it would all come together, and once the baby was here everyone would love him or her so much and it would awesome. And of course, they were right. So we'll see! And if this blog is still going in another 4 years or so, you can suffer, I mean, experience the joy of pregnancy again right along with me!

June 2011

2011-07-04T16:21:00.000-04:00

Junes are going to be big around here for a long time. Click the photo for some 1 year old cuteness.

The Fall

2011-07-01T22:25:00.001-04:00

Today is Friday which means it's my work from home day. Now working from home with a baby is hard, so usually it goes something like, I do work on Thursday night, I answer phone calls and emails throughout the day Friday and I furiously get as much work done as I can while Elliott naps. I take a "lunch" and get out of the house for about an hour at midday, since that's Elliott's most high energy time and I can't get anything done anyway.

Some days go better than others, but today was fantastic for almost the entire day. I had a totally magical morning with Elliott. He was in a great mood, we played, he have random hugs and kisses, we were showered and dressed and he was down for a nap by 9am (this is a big deal). For the next 2 hours I burned through half my annual report, then Elliott got up and we went to the mall for a few quick errands. Now, taking a toddler to the mall is a stay at home mom skill I haven't quite mastered but today I killed it. We ate lunch, did what we came to do, charmed approximately 35 people (he more than I), and got back to the house in time for nap 2. I spent that nap finishing my report and had that fired off to my boss around 4, when we woke up again.

I decided we would go out back to check out the garden and play. That went well for about 15 minutes. Then Elliott climbed up on the back porch and tried to play with some long metal tomato pole stake thingies (Matt's clearly the gardener). I quickly decided that these were dangerous and took them away. I turned to put them behind a bag of mulch and Elliott was right beside me. As I straightened up I hear a surprised cry and turn to see his feet as he falls down 4 wooden stairs face first to the concrete below.

My heart stopped and I ran over to the stairs to see him laying face down on the little concrete slab below. As I reached for him I said "no no no", either out loud or in my head I don't know. He was crying as has his hands in his face as I picked him up and did one of those long breath suck ins always followed by a long wail. I expected something awful- skinned up face, bloody nose, bashed up forehead, and half expected him to pass out. We went inside and he was hugging my neck but quickly calmed down. I gave him a banana and before long he was running around and laughing at me. He had this bruise on his cheek

But as he calmed down I suddenly broke down as it occurred to me- My back was turned. He fell because I want watching. It was just a moment but still, how could I have done that? And then the what ifs- what if he'd landed differently and broken his neck? What if there'd been a stick there and it went through his eye? What if he'd landed on a rake?

I tried to get a hold of myself and called the doctor who said we needed to go to the er to have him checked out, and then I really lost it. My son had to go to the er because of me- what if something was wrong? I drove there crying and matt met us, and I felt better watching Elliott run around the waiting room crying out "dadamama!" and obviously in a happy mood. The doctor said he looked fine and to watch out for some things but they doubted anything was wrong.

I'm still shocked that it happened. I am the paranoid one; I'm the one always getting on Matt to pay more attention and realize just how quickly something can go from fine to really bad. So I'm here in bed incredibly thankful that he's ok but really battling with how I let this happen. Even though I know Elliott is totally unaware that anything happened and was still giving me kisses after

I really have the best kid ever.

Soon he gets his very own toilet brush

2011-06-28T13:32:00.000-04:00

At Elliott's 1 year check up, they asked us some questions about his development, as they always do, and one question was whether or not he has started to use or at least try to use objects correctly. I had noticed at the time that he would pick up my hair brush and bang it against my head (if I let him) and that he was starting to aim his spoon towards his food in a dipping motion. But over the past week he has really taken off with realizing what things are for and trying to use them correctly, doing it all unprompted and it is blowing my mind. It is so cool to watch your kid learn something that you're not even trying to teach him. I am amazed that that they simply have that innate ability and desire to learn, all on their own. I mean, think about how many times you've had to force yourself to learn something, even something you wanted to learn, and yet here they are with just this natural drive to understand and strategize and try out and keep working at it until they get it. It's awesome.

In the past week he has attempted to open door knobs (which he luckily cannot reach well enough to grasp yet), he has pulled a few clean dishes out of the dishwasher and carried them to the cabinet where they go and put them in the cabinet, and the other day I was whisking something together and showed him the little whisk I was using and how I was using it. I then handed him the whisk to play with and walked over and sat the bowl on the counter top, and he walked over stretch up on his legs and aimed the whisk at the bowl and grunted. I don't know if it's just the mama in me or what, but I am just so impressed by all of this! I made a genius!

(Ok, I know it's actually typical. I made a typical genius.)

But my favorite thing was when I was sweeping out our entry way with a little portable vacuum we have. It's actually a little hand held cleaner that fits into a bigger vacuum frame, so it can be hand held or it can be a small upright. I took the hand held part of out it and was sweeping up the stairs with it when I looked down in the entryway and saw that Elliott had picked up the handle to the empty vacuum frame and was pushing it around. So of course, not wanting all that energy to go to waste, I put the hand held back in it so it was working, and he spent the next 5 minutes doing a lil' bit of this:

2011-06-26T21:18:00.000-04:00

I had a fantastic weekend with my family. On Friday night we hung out with some friends who have a little girl who is 8 months old. That was kind of chaotic, as Elliott is Mr Affectionate lately, and wants to do nothing else but hug and kiss other babies as soon as he sees them. In fact, until the hugging and kissing has happened, he apparently cannot get on with his life because unless they are physically out of reach he will spend an entire evening trying to hug and kiss a baby he's around until he succeeds, at which point he can commence playing. This is very sweet and pretty darn cute for the most part. The problem is that Elliott is huge; he's like a Great Dane puppy. Great intentions, but he'll knock you over if you're not his size or bigger, and unfortunately little Noa Belle is 4 months younger so the hugging and kissing just couldn't happen. He would go for her and she would get freaked out and start to cry before he could get through his whole routine, so we'd pull them away. As soon as she was close again, it started over. But, our friends are great and we had a nice time hanging with them despite the baby wrangling.

Saturday and today were also great. Elliott and I went second hand guitar shopping and then had donuts for breakfast with Erin, and that afternoon/evening went to a wedding reception for some friends who have a boy 2 days older than Elliott. The reception was at a country club pool place so we got to take Elliott in the pool, and their baby is actually bigger than Elliott, so hugs and kisses went off pretty smoothly and plenty of fun was had by all. Today we had Elliott's 1 year pictures taken, had a late lunch at our favorite Mexican place with more friends who have a baby (successful kisses, hugs not necessary as they were in separate high chairs pretty much the whole time), and then came home for a relaxing afternoon/evening. Oh and we rearranged our living room furniture today, and if there's one thing I love, its rearranging furniture in a room. I was actually really excited about it as soon as I woke up this morning because we'd talked about it Saturday night.

That was my great weekend. It felt longer than a normal weekend, which to me means it was a good one. Elliott did lots of fun and cute things that I got video and plan to share, and I will later, but this post is really about the fact that I had a really great weekend and I am excited for work this week. Yes, you heard me right, I am looking forward to going to work. And I don't feel bad about it (ok I feel 99.5% not bad about it). Last spring I realized that things in my office were going really well, running really smoothly, in fact, it was basically a well oiled machine. So, of course, I told my boss that and that I needed a new project, something challenging. I proposed taking on a huge new responsibility, and my boss decided it was a good idea. I spent this past year getting ready for it and it's about to get implemented which means that things have crazy nuts. And I love it.

So there you have it. I loved being a mom this weekend and I'm looking forward to being a workin' lady this week. And my son gives baby kisses. Life is good.

City Morning

2011-06-21T08:13:00.000-04:00

I wrote in my last post how I LOVE a quiet morning, with ample time to sit and sip coffee, eat my whole grain Cheerios, and fart around on the internet or read a book or whatever. I don't love it enough to actually wake my ass up at 5 am to have an hour before everyone else is up, but, I love it enough to enjoy it to the max when I can. This morning, I am sitting at my little kitchen table next to a window facing our back yard. This is my view

Our little back yard and back porch, with Elliott's new climby toy that Matt moved to the porch so it wouldn't get it wet (why does that endear me so much to him? Because he cared enough about a 1 year old's plastic toy I guess). On the rails are the plants that Matt is trying to salvage that didn't make it into the garden this year, and you can see the garden along the chain link fence in the back. Behind our little patch of grass is the neighbor's yard, a yard that is full of kids every afternoon and evening as, I presume, their mom kicks them out of the house to play so she can get some peace and quiet. Behind that privacy fence is an insane woman with the craziest breast implants I've ever seen, on a skeletal 60 something year old woman's body that is totally leathery from years outside at her pool probably smothered in baby oil and chain smoking while yelling at her husband and the 2 giant dogs running around everywhere.

Wait, did that break the serenity of the moment? Yeah also beyond that privacy fence you can see downtown Cincinnati. And therein lies the difference, for this small town girl at least, of a city morning from a morning in the kind of place where I was raised. But before I get to that, my view has been somewhat obstructed by a cat who cannot resist an open window right next to me. Notice the ears pointed backwards like I'M ruining something for her. Which I guess I am since for many hours of the day, her house is sabotaged by a little bald guy who screams with delight and runs towards her, arms stretched out to try to (sometimes successfully) grab chubby hand fulls of kitty fur and propel his mouth toward her body for kisses. Sorry kitty.

Matt and I are definitely city people- he of the born and raised variety, me of the adopted variety. I grew up in a city of about 25,000 in the middle of a bunch of tiny towns and villages in north east Ohio, very near Amish country. It was the kind of place where, when the sun went down, it got dark and quiet. But I love living in the city, especially now that we can bring small touches of that life here, like a yard and a garden. I even love the craziness of the neighborhood, and I love how regardless of where we live people are people. The kids from the house in back jump our fence to play with Elliott when we're out there, the people who live next door let us know when they're out of town and ask us to pick up a Sunday paper and a keep an eye on their house, and everybody loves Elliott. I was 7 months pregnant when we moved in, and we have some porch dwellers who live across the street (and a couple houses down) from us. We didn't speak to them much until a day or so after we brought Elliott home from the hospital, at which point one of them yelled to Matt, "hey you have that baby? We saw a traveling nurse go in with a scale so we thought you must've had that baby!". And then, I pictured in my head that every day for the previous 2 months when they'd see us get out of our car they'd say something like, "well my God, she hasn't had that baby yet!" "No she sure hasn't, poor thing, but its gotta be any day now!". So now when we come home at night, there are often rounds to make, taking him around to see whatever group of people happen to be outside at the time. One of the older couples who are so sweet even brought him over a toy dump truck for his birthday.

So I don't even know where I'm going with this post, other than just rambling and reflecting about our life here while I listen to the sounds of trucks backing up, cars going by, horns beeping and kids slowly coming out to play. Speaking of Elliott, he has been at my mom and dad's house since Sunday night enjoying some grandparent and Uncle Cameron time. I get him back tonight and even though the quiet and the coffee sipping are nice, I'm very much looking forward to having my baby boy back.

On another unrelated note, on Saturday night we went over to our awesome friends Paul and Laura's house and swam in their pool. It was Elliott's first time in a real pool (besides a brief walk around a hotel pool when he was about 3 months old), and he LOVED it. He sat on his little raft and Paul and Laura, and their daughter Kaitlyn, got just for him for his birthday, and smiled and laughed and splashed for a good 45 minutes, which is a long time for that kid to do any one thing. And of course, he had his carrot in hand for much of it

Perspective

2011-06-17T21:54:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the big picture, and how all of the different parts of my life, good or bad, eventful or mundane, big or small, come together to create this big picture. For example, I have to admit that there are times when I have missed not having a kid. I miss the independence, I miss being able to slow down or speed up whenever I want to. I really miss leisurely weekend mornings of waking up on my own and sitting and sipping coffee while reading a book. I used to get bummed out by that thought, and then I'd feel guilty, but I'd still be bummed out, until I thought about the big picture. And I figured out that someday I'll be able to do that again. In fact, if you think about the span of my life, the amount of years with a kid are barely anything. I will have WAY more Saturdays in my life to sit and sip coffee that I won't have. And that seriously changes my whole perspective. Not only does it help me not feel sad that I can't do the things I want to do, but, it reminds me that I better soak up what I do have while I have it. This time with Elliott right now is a blip. Sure there are still times when I think, "wouldn't it be nice to . . .", but they don't have nearly the power over me that they used to have. Big picture thinking saves the day.

Thinking about the big picture brings to mind the best piece of advice I think I've ever given (and as a counselor, I've given quite a bit, and I like to think that most of it has been good): keep everything you're facing right now in perspective. I've faced some difficult things in my life, for sure, and if I had known about perspective during all of them, I'm sure I would have come out of some situations with much less drama. For example, when I was 21 I made the decision to break up with a guy who I was "engaged" to (yes, "engaged" with quotations- we were basically teenagers, it didn't really count). The only thing that terrified me and kept me stuck in between "should I or shouldn't I" was worrying about what breaking up with him would do to him. One day I told my roommate that I was so sure that he would basically wither away and die if I broke up with him, and she said, "you know, he's actually going to be fine if you break up with him". I stared at her as if that was the most absurd thing I'd ever heard. "What do you mean? This is going to destroy him!" "oh, he'll be heartbroken for sure, but he'll get over it, and then he'll be fine". It blew my mind. But it was so true. I mean, yeah he went nuts and wrote a book about me and did some kind of weird thing where he didn't shave for like a year, but still, eventually he was over it and he was fine. Perspective thinking (mixed in with some "I'm not responsible for other people's feelings" thinking, too).

When I learned I was pregnant, it seemed so scary and sometimes felt like it was this total, utter disaster that was going to completely derail my life and the lives of everyone around me. Luckily between breaking up with a boyfriend in college and becoming pregnant at the age of 28, I'd developed this perspective thing pretty well. As soon as the freak out from thinking everything was being destroyed would come on, I just would say to myself, "look, you know that when the baby is here, everything is going to be fine.You're going to love this baby. You're going to figure out what resources you need and have them in place. In 20 years, this baby will be the best thing that ever happened to you". Thinking like that would help me remember that, even though I had no idea how to move forward, I wasn't facing some disastrous thing; I was simply dealing with some practical concerns that are a difficult, but, just a necessary part of bigger thing, and that bigger thing is going to turn out totally fine. Perspective.

And what's cool about life is that eventually, you do get on that other side of hard time, and you realize that you were right- now that it's over, it has all worked out. Case in point: I was on my home from work Wednesday evening and I stopped by the grocery store to grab a couple of things we needed. I had one of those weird moments when I was remembering something and feeling the same feelings I used to feel, like a deja vu only in reverse. Does that make sense? I remembered exactly what it used to be like stopping by the grocery store on my way home from work when I lived alone. I was feeling, again, the feeling of being tired and being almost home, walking through the produce section in my dress and heels, and I thought of my empty apartment, what I was going to throw together to eat, and what I'd do to pass the time before bed. Except that wasn't right-I didn't have an empty apartment to go home to, I didn't have a quiet evening alone. And I knew I'd come to the other side of the perspective because I didn't think once, "don't worry, you'll have those quiet evenings again". No, for the first time, my immediate thought was, "I am so glad I have my family to come home to now".

Weird type-o below

2011-06-16T07:57:00.000-04:00

I noticed this morning that my post on Elliott's birthday was somehow missing 2 or 3 sentences in the last paragraph. I don't know why, and I don't know if anyone cares enough to reread, but I fixed it so now it makes sense.

Treasure, Ponder, Repeat

2011-06-15T17:30:00.001-04:00

There is a verse in the Bible that I've heard or read thousands of times, but never given much thought to until recently. Shortly after Jesus is born, a bunch of shepherds come to visit and worship Jesus, and after they leave the book of Luke says that "Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart". Dudes, I know this sounds eye rollingly corny but I swear it's the truth- as I was driving to work Monday morning, I thought about that verse and I totally identified with it. I spent all Sunday evening and Monday morning in this kind of reflective, quiet mood, treasuring the things that happened this weekend, and pondering them in my heart. What a beautiful expression that is! (I've always thought Luke was the best writer of the bunch)

Friday night my mom and grandma came up to help me prepare for the party, and Saturday morning when I picked them up from their hotel we took a quick stop at Starbucks where Elliott was treated to a birthday donut.

I love this picture

It's so cute to see him with my mom and my grandma, and clearly you can tell that they all enjoy the experience.

Saturday I ran around like crazy, with the help of my mom, grandma and also my Aunt Char (Aunt Char the Great, as she's known to Elliott) and Matt, getting everything ready not only for the party, but for visitors we had in the form of the Otto family, who were driving in from North Carolina and spending the night with us! We had rented a really nice stone pavilion at a park near our house, but the weather forecast called for scattered thunderstorms only during the time of our party. Of course. I had one small nervous breakdown in the shower trying to figure out how I was going to fit 50 people into our house, which is definitely big and roomy enough for us but not really big enough for 50 people. We decided to go ahead and risk the weather, and luckily, there was no rain. Whew!

The party itself was a whirlwind. We invited people we knew from the different parts of our lives, so there was a lot of collision of worlds, which is always fun. Friends and family coming, giving hugs, eating, talking, hanging out. Introducing one side of the family to the other, introducing friends who had heard of friends to each other, introducing little kids to other little kids. I actually didn't get to spend a ton of time around Elliott, as he was interested in playing and exploring and there were a lot of people there who were more than happy to keep an eye on him while I made sure there was food and talked to guests and tried to keep track of everything. It really was one of those occasions where everything just flew by so quickly, but luckily, I was able to be still to capture certain moments that stand out in my mind.

We had an awesome cake, made by my great friend Erin. I didn't feel the need to go big time with a theme, but I wanted to reflect at least something about Elliott, and right now he really likes blocks, so I decided to try to do a building block cake. I searched the internet and decided on a Lego looking cake, and decided I could make such a thing (ha!), and then told Erin, who graciously offered to just do it for me. It turned out great.

Singing "Happy Birthday"

Blowing out the candle

The cake!

Not sure...

Going for it...

Tasting the sugar...

Loves it

Sugar drunk baby

End result

After we got him cleaned up we opened presents, and that kind of flew by, too, but what I loved was that Elliott was so tired by that point that he just sat quietly in my lap, looking at the presents and contemplating how he would enjoy each one (or at least, that's what I can assume since my normally smiley and wiggly baby was quite calm and stoic through the whole process)

I was overwhelmed by all of the thoughtful gifts. We got a lot of fun toys, both indoor and out, cute clothes and new books, which I was just as excited about as Elliott. (Ok, so, I was more excited than Elliott since he was pretty much just confused as to why he was sitting in only his diaper and shoes on my lap while about 40 of his closest friends and family stared him and while I kept pulling toys out of bags and then putting them right back in.)

The party wound down and we got everything packed up and went home. My best friend Sam and her family were on their way from Charlotte up to the Cleveland/Canton area to visit family and friends, and they stopped by for Elliott's party, and I was so glad they were able to. Sam and I haven't lived within 200 miles of each other since high school but we've been able to stay close and visit each other at least a couple of times a year over the past 5 or 6 years or so, which is awesome. We are 3 for 3 in attending each other's kid's 1st birthday parties, too. Sam and I got to catch up after the kids were asleep, and the next day we enjoyed the gorgeous weather at a park before they took off for Northern Ohio.

And that was about it! I know that some people might think it's a little crazy to go to this much trouble for a party for someone who will never remember it. But as Sam wrote to us in her birthday card to Elliott (that was really a congratulations card to me and Matt!), the 1st birthday is really about the parents getting through the first year. And I wanted to throw this party not only for my son, but also as a way to say thank you to all of the people who helped us and supported us during this first year. I don't know how we would have made it without all of the people who were at that party, as every one of them either brought us food, cleaned our house, mowed our lawn, came over to hang out, gave us hand me down clothes and toys and equipment, or even simply told us that something was normal when we had no idea if was normal or not. I hope that we were able to express our gratitude to them for not only that, but also for caring about our son. There is something deeply moving that I cannot even describe that happens when you are around people who love your kids, and having all of those people who love him most in one place was just overwhelming and made my heart feel so full. It was a crazy day, and I know I won't always remember the details of what happened, or the gifts we received, or even who all was there, I will never forget that feeling.

12 Months

2011-06-13T20:58:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, Elliott turned 12 months old. Or as we like to call it, 1 year

The biggest thing that happened this month is that Elliott began to walk. I wasn't sure if he was going to hit that milestone before he turned a year old, but he took off and there was no looking back. A lot of people acted like walking would make life much more difficult, but he's been getting around so quickly on his own for so long now that walking actually simplifies things somewhat. It's also insanely adorable, especially with his little pot belly sticking out in front of him.

He is understanding more words- we can ask him where mama is and where dada is and he turns to the correct person and grins and walks over and gives hugs and usually kisses (more so for mama than dada). He is also showing more preferences for certain toys, like his spinning race car track and big bouncy ball (which is almost always accurately calls "bah" when prompted). He loves blocks, even though he doesn't build with them so much as move them around and bang them together. His favorite thing, though, is still books. He loves being read to, and he still loves to sit and look at his books on his own, turning the pages and babbling, pointing and saying "oooh!" in a surprised tone. I really love that he loves books already.

I'm working on a blog post about his birthday party, which was wonderful, and I was really proud of myself that I didn't cry once at the party (although I came very close 2 times, that I can remember). I actually only had 2 crying breakdowns: 1 on Saturday morning due to lack of sleep and stress, and 1 on Sunday night while feeding Elliott a snack before bed time. He was sitting in his chair and I just looked at him and was overwhelmed with not only how incredible this year has been, but how I feel all of this excitement about what happens next. I guess I might have thought that the first birthday would bring some kind of thoughts of sadness, like something was over, but I was very pleasantly surprised that I ended up just feeling full of joy about all of what is still to come. Being a mom is the best

Elliott Royce
1 year
28 pounce, 12 ounces
32 1/4 inches long

Birthday boy

2011-06-12T22:06:00.000-04:00

This weekend was awesome

More details to come

It Happened

2011-06-08T18:51:00.000-04:00

It finally happened- Elliott had a first at the baby-sitter, I found out about it, and I cried my eyes out.

It wasn't a big deal first, and not even TECHNICALLY a first, but at the same time, TECHNICALLY, it was. He went in his first baby pool and he loved it. So not technically a first because we took him in a pool when he was like 4 months old, but technically a first because that pool was a normal pool and we carried him around. But still, ugh.

Ok here's the whole story: work this week has been insane. All kinds of technical failures that have shut down most of what we do, leaving people coming to do what we do pissed off, and leaving me and my staff on the phone with a help desk in India and later, luckily, Baltimore, for 11 hours between Monday and Tuesday. Things finally get solved Tuesday at 4:50 and I go home, thinking it's all over. Today, Wednesday, at 10 I get an email that something is still going wrong. Wednesdays are the days I'm home with Elliott until 12:30, and we normally really enjoy our mornings. This morning, we went to WalMart to check out stuff for his party. Elliott LOVES going to the store and usually it's a lot of fun to take him, and I was especially thinking this trip would be fun because we were looking at party stuff and I am just so enjoying planning this party (even though I'm also stressing myself out about it). But as soon as we pull into the parking lot, I have to be on the phone dealing with the problem. I have to deal with it throughout our entire visit to the store, while Elliott keeps trying to get my attention. I'm missing this normally fun occasion because I am talking to work. Pretty much a working moms nightmare. (Not specifically the Wal Mart trip, just, knowing you're missing something good with your kid because of work and you can't do anything about it). Then I realize I just need to go into work, so I drop him off early at the baby-sitter's house. When I called to make sure this was ok, she told me that she had the kids in the baby pool and I could bring over swim trunks for him, so I did, and about 5 minutes after I drop him off I get a text, look down at my phone and see this picture

with the caption, "He loves it!". And I lost it. Crying, sniffling, wiping the tears away so I can see to drive. I thought, my son is enjoying his first real summer, first time in a bathing suit, first time in a baby pool, and he's with someone else, and I'm off to work. And he'll be 1 on Saturday!! AHHHHH!!!

I pulled it together by the time I got to my parking garage, and forwarded the picture to Matt and texted the baby-sitter back. I know he'll have tons more baby pool time. I know he'll love it just as much when I put him in there. But I just so love watching him having fun, and I hated to miss it.

But may I point out that a chubby baby in a baby pool wearing a baseball hat is basically the cutest thing I've ever seen? Because it is.

May 2011

2011-06-07T13:18:00.001-04:00

I've been doing a lot of gazing lately- just trying to stare at Elliott and take every inch of him in. Yeah I know, blah blah blah you have a baby and he's almost 1. Here's some gazing from the merry, merry month of May

The Types

2011-06-05T22:51:00.018-04:00

I've been a working mom for 9 months now and I don't think that I've ever wrestled more with anything in my life than I do with this fact. I don't actually have a choice to be working. And before you start to tell me all the ways that I would save if I stayed at home, trust me, I've done the math, and for me it doesn't work. Unless I wanted to make extreme sacrifices, like letting the bank take my car and defaulting on my federal student loans, I cannot afford to not work. Pretty cut and dry, and yet what is hard for me is dealing with how I think I should feel and think about working versus how how I actually do think and feel about working. Before I became a working mom, I had observed that there were 3 basic types of working moms, with one subtype

1. The Rich Ones
I first observed these moms during my brief stint as a Starbucks barista during my final semester of college. I worked at a store downtown that catered almost exclusively to people who worked at 2 or 3 professional buildings and the Federal building. The Rich Ones were the pretty, thin, late 30's-early 40's women who came in to Starbucks at the end of their lunch break, after spinning class, with their beautiful jewelry and expensive suits, pulling credit cards out of their Louis Vuitton wallets to pay for the quad-venti-soy-no-whip-extra foam latte that was taking the place of their actual lunch. They were funny and outgoing and powerful, and they would sometimes mention needing to call the nanny or the daycare or something, which is how I knew they were moms. The general view of these women was one of pseudo-disgust/borderline jealousy. "I mean why even have kids if you're never going to see them?", one might self-righteously ask herself when encountering a Rich One, especially if one is a 22 year old know-it-all serving them coffee at Starbucks.

2. The Poor Ones
These women I met mostly working at Red Lobster, but they are actually all around us, all of the time. (Bleeding heart liberal alert!) They are often single moms, and they often have 2 jobs if not more. Their kids are generally watched by relatives because they cannot afford childcare. I know that there is a propensity to believe in the evil of the "welfare mom", but what most people don't know about welfare is that you must actually have a job in order to receive welfare. For a long time you could count as a job taking care of a disabled child or parent, but now you can't. So whenever you go to the grocery store, or to a restaurant, or to Wal-Mart, or wherever, you can know that the majority of the women who you see working there have children at home, who they never get to see, and they work their butts off for very little money and in order to receive government benefits in order to take care of their children. When a famous person sits for an interview and credits their incredible mom, who raised all her kids by herself while working 3 jobs and still managing to spend time with each of them, this is the woman they are talking about.

3. The Middle Ones
These are your middle class working moms- women whose families cannot really afford for them to be at home full time, but who don't have jobs that make them rich, so they work part time at night and on weekends as waitresses when their husbands are home to watch their kids (I also worked with a lot of women like this at Red Lobster), or they do part time work at the place where they were full time before having kids. We assume that they don't care about a career, only their kids, so they do what they have to do to make ends meet both within and outside of the home, and to be home as often as possible

Subset: Teachers/librarians- they don't make a ton of money, and they have full time careers that they are allowed to care about, but they are still home with their kids for all holidays and for 10 weeks during the summer. Many other types of mothers are jealous of teachers.

Rich Ones are selfish; Poor Ones are selfless and pitiable; the Middles are selfless and admirable (Subset- the world is just bitter of your sweet set up)

Obviously, in the real world working women who have children do not fit easily into these 3 simple categories. I'm an example of one of the kinds of working moms who I never knew about. I am not a mom who works because it makes me rich, I am not a mom who works all hours to provide for my kid because I'm all he has, and I'm not a mom who has cast aside my career so that I could spend as much time with Elliott as possible while still making money. No, I'm a mom who has to work and so has decided that I'm going to do the best I can to have a good career while being the best mom I can be.

And you know, that last sentence? It seems like it should be ok. But it took a long time for me to get there mentally, and I still struggle with it. The first step in getting out of my pity party was to start to be thankful for what I had with my current job. I started thinking about those moms who I worked with at Red Lobster, who worked a lot harder than, who never got to see their kids, and who got a lot less out of their jobs tha tI was getting. Even though I'm not getting rich, I'm able to, along with Matt, provide a good home for my son, a safe place for him to be when he's not with me. I don't have to worry about whether he's going to eat a healthy meal or not, and I don't have to choose to between buying his diapers and paying the electric bill, or between gas and medicine, or whatever. I have a job that is awesomely flexible so that I work full time and I still get to be with him 3 days a week, and for a good chunk of the days that he's at the baby sitter. Of course, I'm still insanely jealous of moms who get to stay home, but I'm trying to keep perspective!

Even with that improved outlook, always nagging me in the back of my mind were the things I could be doing if I really wanted to be at home with Elliott during the day and really wanted him to only be cared for by either Matt or myself. Now we live pretty bare bones, no credit cards or cable or substantial shopping or home owning or anything to really cut out of the budget, but, I kept having this thought that if I really cared about him I'd quit my job and I'd go get a waitressing job so that I could be home with him all day, leave him in the evenings when Matt came home, and also work evenings on the weekends. Sure, I'd have a job I hated, I'd still have to make some financial sacrifices to make up for the loss of the steady income (although if you take out the cost of childcare I'd probably be netting about the same if I waitressed 5 nights a week), I'd have to deal with hardly ever seeing Matt, and especially all 3 of us hardly ever being together, I'd be exhausted from working until 11 or midnight and getting up with Elliott at 6:30 every morning, and I'd have to give up any life on the weekends or abilities to go out of town or have paid time off. But isn't all of that worth it to me, if it means that my kid doesn't have to be in childcare??

And the answer to that is a big, fat HELL NO. If I have to make trade offs of some kind, I'd rather make the kind that allows us to have time together as a family and allows me to have sanity than the kind I described above. Does that make me a bad mom? I don't know. But regardless, once I decided that I was staying where I was at, I decided to start back to being the kind of professional I was before I had a baby- the kind that worked hard, the kind that took on challenges, the kind that cared about advancement. I guess I wasn't exactly the same kind of professional, because I'm not willing to put in late hours anymore, or come in on weekends, or answer emails that I get at 10:30 on a Saturday night. But I am doing all I can within the boundaries that I've set to be the best I can be, and I have to say because it's the kind of person I am, my best is pretty damn good. Work has been going well the last few months- I got a sort of promotion, got a raise, and have become recognized in my national organization to the effect that I've presented at a local conference and been selected to present at our national conference in September (in San Diego!!) and I was asked to be part of a steering committee to start a state version of our national chapter.

Of course, now I'm still steeped in guilt from time to time about the fact that I generally enjoy my job. Because once I established that I wasn't willing to start waitressing, I moved onto feeling like I should hate being away from him, and honestly, I don't hate it. I don't love being away from him, and I miss him, but I don't hate it. I've made it so that I don't hate it, and then I feel guilty for not hating it. Ridiculous, I know. But just like everything in life, this is a journey for me. You know where it starts, but you keep learning and adjusting as you go along. And most of all, I'm learning a lesson that I used to hammer into my counseling clients- we all do the best we can with what we have, and what we know, at the time we're in.

Project Updates

2011-06-01T17:38:00.001-04:00

I've received a barrage of emails asking how my Book/Nook and my No Buying New Things projects are going*. Well I'll tell you already!

Yeah, the Book/Nook project is dead. I kept finding other things I wanted to read and then I realized that I really didn't care anymore. I feel ok about that since I didn't even begin the challenge. I figure that the next time I don't have anything else to read that I actually want to read, I'll give one of them a go.

The NBNT Project is still trucking along. 6 months in, and I've only officially broken my rule once. I bought this

I decided that my baby boy's first birthday is more important to me than this project, so there you have it. Plus, how cool is it?! I'm really excited to play with this with him, and so is Matt, who has asked me twice already if we have to wait until his birthday to open it. And, I still have not purchased a single new item for myself in 6 months. I haven't even bought a pair of shoes, and those are on my allowable items list.

So there you have it! Still very excited for Elliott's birthday party, and still chasing around an almost 1 year old who is a full time walker and so stinking cute.

*This statement is not entirely accurate

If I Had a Million Dollars

2011-05-29T14:51:00.000-04:00

I was sitting around with some girlfriends, and one of their boyfriends, several years back, and the boyfriend asked us if we would work if we financially didn't have to. We 3 girls responded almost unanimously, "yes!". We were go getters, after all, the smartest girls in our graduate programs who worked the hardest and wanted to be on top the most. He looked at us like we were crazy when asked if he would work. "No way", and we were self-righteously shocked.

But today? If someone gave me money today and said that I could be financially taken care of for the next 5 years, and I could pick whatever I wanted my life to look like, I would choose to have every day be like a long holiday weekend. Matt, Elliott and I together, lazy morning coffee while Elliott pulls all the pots and pans out of the cabinets; running to the grocery store for strawberries in dirty clothes thrown on before showing; friends stopping by for homemade waffles; sitting on the floor in the entry way while Elliott plays with the front door and looks at me every 3 minutes to make sure I'm there and to grin at me; Matt working in the garden while Elliott naps and I clean the floors. I just absolutely love days when we're all together with nothing to do. And, I love a muddy baby trying to figure out how to work the water hose.

Year of the Formula

2011-05-27T21:08:00.000-04:00

Warning: there are 2 weeks until Elliott turns 1, and I am full of sentimental thoughts and feelings about that. So the blog might be baby heavy content for a little bit, but I'll try to mix it up as best I can.

Elliott is about to finish up his last can of formula, and it's amazing how something that I once looked at in horror is now leaving me with feelings of sadness. I've written about my struggles with breastfeeding, and my struggles with people who denied or downplayed my struggles with breastfeeding, and how I eventually had to stop because of medication I had to take for rheumatoid arthritis when Elliott was 4 months old. We had to supplement breast milk with formula from day 1, and I remember that first time that happened. He was about 29 hours old (ok, we supplemented from day 2), and the nurses brought him to me at 3:00am to eat. He nursed for a solid 4 hours and was crying the whole time (for anyone who hasn't nursed a newborn, they typically nurse from 30-60 minutes every 3 hours, and you start the count at the beginning of the nursing session, so if you nurse at from midnight to 12:45am, they'll need to eat again at 3 at the latest). I was exhausted, and kept drifting off to sleep while he was eating, then he'd scream, then I'd wake up, and he'd suck and suck and pull off and cry and cry, repeat. Finally at 7:00am, a nurse came in and said, "how long since his last feeding?" and I said, "he's been nursing since 3:00am" and she said, "when did he stop?" and I said, "he hasn't stopped". Tears were running down my face, I was exhausted, my stomach was turning from the pain (and no, not because I was doing it wrong, but because it hurts at first), and the nurse said something about formula. She brought out a little bottle of formula, I handed Elliott to Matt and felt this enormous wave of guilt and shame pass over me, even though as soon as he had that bottle in his mouth he was immediately quiet, ate about an ounce (a lot for a baby, especially one who just nursed for 4 hours) and fell immediately asleep. And so did I, until about 3 hours later when visitors showed up. I finally caught up on my sleep in about 12 years.

We had to continue to supplement (you can read all about it here) and for the first week I could not actually feed him the formula myself; Matt or my mom had to do it. I felt like I was putting poison right into his little body, and I felt like I was failing him as a mother. But then, I got over it. And 2 days ago, I put away the bottles as he's completely on sippy cups, and I'm about to throw the last formula can into the recycling bin, and I'll never cradle my baby and give him a bottle again, and it makes me sad. Not sad that I won't be spending about $100 a month on baby formula, but just sad that one of the things that meant he was a baby is gone.

So there you have it readers- one more example in the world of how motherhood changes you.

Rheumy

2011-05-22T10:01:00.000-04:00

A "rheumy" is rheumatoid arthritis people speak for a rheumatologist. It is also a word that I never understand the first time someone says it to me, because I don't speak rheumatoid arthritis-eese, and I immediately think "huh? my roomy? Matt? That's an odd word for him".

Having RA (ok I do type RA instead of rheumatoid arthritis because I have to really concentrate to make sure that I spell rheumatoid correctly every time) has taught me something about the internet- if there is something that ails and persists, there is an active online community full of people wanting to talk about it, a lot, and they use catchphrases and abbreviations that I have to google. And don't get me wrong, I have no problem with that if it works for you or helps you, and I do look things up from time to time when I've left my doctor and want more information on what we've spoken about. But beyond that, I really have no desire to be part of these online communities, and I think that's because I don't want to think about having RA if I don't have to. And since I'm not often in pain from it, I don't have to. But I found myself recently visiting some of these online RA community websites recently because I have tendinitis in my right wrist which may or may not be from RA. And I may have to have surgery on it. Lovely!

This isn't complaining; far have I have a very manageable form of this disease, I have health care and health insurance and access and all that stuff and I'm very lucky and thankful. But as much as I try to forget that I have this thing, I realized on Friday that I cannot actually forget too much because even if I'm not in constant pain, I have to remember to take better care of myself than I ever have had to before.

The tendon pain my wrist and thumb began when I was pregnant, and was really bad after the pregnancy, but all of my joints were killing me so I didn't think too much of it. It responded well to initial treatments, but over the past month it came back when I used my right thumb and wrist for basically anything- cutting with a knife especially, and turning door knobs, unscrewing lids to bottles and cups, typing, picking things up, lifting, etc. You know, stuff you have to do constantly when you have a baby and a job. 3 weeks ago I emailed my doctor about it (I love that I can email my doctor, by the way) and asked if I should see my PCP, or the rheumatologist, or just take advil and see if it went away. I assumed it would be the third, since that seems to be what doctors tell you. I kept forgetting to check my messages until last week, and when I did I saw that the nurse who answered was like, "yes, come in as soon as possible, we can get you in tomorrow". Um, oopsie!

I went in on Friday, and I have to say, going to see the rheumatologist is always a little funny to me because the waiting room is always full of people who are at least in their late 60's, and me. When the nurse calls their name, they slowly get up, usually using a walker or something. while I hop up and walk on back. It is funny to me because they are old, but I think the first time I see someone my age who gets up with a walker I will have a different view. Luckily, that hasn't happened. But anyway- the doctor took a look at me, told me I have tendinitis, and told me to take advil and wear this kick-ass wrist/thumb brace

The brace actually makes it feel way better. I'm also supposed to avoid using my right thumb and wrist, especially to lift or hold things. Elliott was with me at this appointment (and that was sure interesting!) and I involuntarily looked at him and raised my eyebrows, and the doctor said, "well do your best". For most people, you rest, do some PT, and take advil. For me, if it's not better in 3 weeks I get a cortisone shot, and if it's not better 3 weeks after that I have surgery. I guess you take jointy things more seriously when you have RA.

This has been a mini wake up call, because I'm going to confess- it hasn't just been ignoring my doctor's emails- I've been slacking a bit over the past several months in other areas. The main medicine I take once a week, 7 pills, and I've been forgetting and taking it late, or forgetting to get it refilled for a little while now. Because of that medicine I have to get my blood drawn every 60 days and I was a week late with the last one, and haven't even scheduled my next one yet. But lesson learned this weekend- if I want to keep on being a young person with RA who doesn't have to use a cane, or walker, or have days where I can't walk, or be the kind of person who sits in a chat room all day whining about my rheumy, then I need to be responsible for my health.

Mah Stories!

2011-05-20T10:28:00.000-04:00

I have discovered another secret of parenting a young child- you just forget about going out to movies. It's not that it is impossible to do or anything, it's just that if you're going to go to the trouble of getting a baby sitter and going out for the night, there are better ways to spend your money and your time, usually, than paying at least $25 or $30 to sit in a large, dark room for a couple of hours and then go home. I haven't gone to see a movie since the last Harry Potter, and I went to that by myself, during the day, when I went to my mom and dad's house around Christmas time.

BUT- what is awesome about modern technology and really well done cable shows is that we get to watch a lot of good tv! Starting last summer we got hooked on True Blood, Treme, Mad Men and the Walking Dead. Those shows are coming back now, and, we've added Game of Thrones to the line up. Good stuff, highly recommend them all. That's it- enjoy your weekend!!!

We got a walker!

2011-05-19T15:15:00.000-04:00

Last summer or fall or whenever it was (that whole time is a big, messy puddly in my head), Matt and I started watching The Walking Dead on AMC. The Walking Dead is an awesome show about zombies that have taken over the world. It is incredibly scary, and I am really proud of myself for watching it even though I was terrified to turn off the lights in the room at night if I went to bed before Matt. Did I say was? Am. Am afraid to do that. But apparently motherhood and/or living with Matt have allowed my tolerance to grow for at least 4 things: scary movies/shows, beans, spicy food, and cleaning up someone else's poop.

On this show, they don't call the zombies "Zombies", they call them Walkers. And in our house we have our very own walker. Much like the Walkers on this show, he cannot talk, is highly motivated by dangling food in front of him, and puts basically everything he comes into contact with in his mouth. And also, he walks!

A couple of weeks ago we noticed that if he was standing up and holding onto an item, he might let go of whatever he was holding onto and grab the item with both hands, and just stand there for a few seconds totally unaware that he wasn't holding on. This turned into him standing for longer periods of time, seeming to know he was standing on his own, and then this weekend I got him to let go of the wall and take 2 kind of tumbling steps towards me. He has since taken more steps towards us, and just this morning was standing and started walking towards Isabelle when she came past him.

I am really excited about this. It is fun to see him put all of this coordination together and then to see his proud smile when we clap for him. Watching him accomplish all of these things gives me greater insight as to why my dad took a video camera and recorded every single band concert, choir concert, game, awards ceremony, recital, whatever that we participated in. Parental pride is an amazing thing. Plus, this just means I'm one step closer to being able to make him do stuff for me!

Striding

2011-05-14T11:02:00.000-04:00

Elliott is something of a rockstar around UC, something to which I attribute his insane cuteness and Matt's extreme likability. Matt and I work in the same building, and when we met we were working in the same department. Matt is that guy at work who is good at his job and personable and kind and remembers everyone's name, so everyone in our building loves him. I was just another white girl in her mid-20's with a master's degree, a dime a dozen in higher ed, trying to get ahead, plus I was good at my job and horrible at remembering names, so I wasn't quite as popular. However, when we announced that I was pregnant, people started to warm up around me because, really, who can dislike a pregnant woman who is carrying Matt's baby? And of course, once Elliott was born and we brought him around it was no question. That kid is a charmer.

So because he has 2 parents who work full time in the same building, he still makes it there occasionally if we have to pass him off because of our work schedules or something, and as soon as we're there he is swarmed with people. It is such a great feeling to watch people make over your baby, although I'm sure Elliott is very confused about this place where he goes where everyone knows his name and is grinning and waving at him, and he has no idea who they are.

On Friday, the day I usually work from home, there was an event held every year where student groups and organizations and UC departments have a little parade through campus, the different groups are judged, and at the end there's a picnic and they give out awards like Most Spirited and Most Creative. Elliott came in to help me at work and he strolled with my department. He didn't help us win anything, but I'm sure that is because there was no "cutest" award. Here are some pictures that were taken of him during the day, quite a few because, as I mentioned, he's a rock star. And I must say, is there much in life cuter than a baby in a baseball hat?

Why Tina Fey and I are Totally Awesome

2011-05-13T22:50:00.000-04:00

I finished Tina Fey's book Bossypants last night and I loved it. It was probably the funniest book I've ever read, and since I've read every David Sedaris book, that's saying something. She wrote about her life, both growing up and now, her job, her cute kid, drawing meaning from experiences she's had in all of these areas. Throughout, she also threw in one-liners that were sort of related but mostly just there to make you laugh.

I know.

Sounds familiar, right? You guys, I think Tina Fey reads my blog, because she basically copies my writing style only does it way better and is funnier and has a much more interesting life and does a much better Sarah Palin than I do, even though mine is pretty good. And she has the balls to make her one-liners the kind of inappropriate/dirty jokes that are the kind I often type out but then delete for fear of making some relative of mine blush. Plus, you always know her one-liners are jokes but I bet half of mine go unnoticed because they are a lot funnier in my head and probably are just confusing to the reader. Besides that, basically we're identical, but I suppose she's got enough writer street cred that I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and just say that she drew inspiration from me.

This book really is amazing, though. It is funny, but it's also really insightful. The parts that I liked best were when she wrote about being a woman professional (I wrote professional woman at first but that seems off) and when she wrote about being a working mom.

I liked the parts about her work because while she is incredibly funny, she offers some awesome insight into learning how to be a professional, and you can just really tell that she is very smart and savvy and knows her stuff. I even took away a life application! Well I took away several, honestly, but the one I liked the best was in a chapter called, "I Don't F**ing Care if You Like It" (see, I can't even do it when I'm quoting something). She tells this story about Amy Poehler saying that phrase to Jimmy Fallon when he said he didn't like a joke she was making one day when they were all sitting around. Tina then goes on to write that when you're dealing with a difficult colleague, or someone who doesn't like what you do or how you do it at work, that unless that person has the power to get you where you want to be, their opinion of you or your work is completely meaningless, and you shouldn't waste any time on them. It was a total epiphany about an ongoing situation at work, and I even told this whole little story to my boss, another woman who is smart and savvy and knows her stuff, (only I used the real "f-word" because I have no problems being foul and inappropriate when I speak), and she said, "Yes! That's exactly right! Good job!".

And then I love the part where she writes about being a mom for basically the opposite reason- because she feels exactly the opposite way of how she feels when she's at work. And I can totally relate to that. I'm certainly not anywhere near a big deal where I work, but I've moved up through the ranks fairly quickly for where I work, and I feel extremely confident at my job and with my abilities to run my department and manage my staff. And then when I'm home I'm faced with this adorable, easy-going baby, and being his mom kicks my ass. I have no idea what I'm doing. In the same day this week I created a budget for my department and nearly had a panic attack over birthday party invitations. I can sit in a meeting with vice presidents directors in my division and feel comfortable giving my opinion, but I can't figure out how to correctly transition my son from formula to whole milk without having to ask other moms. And while I really, really hate that I can't go down to part time work so that I can be home with Elliott more, I still do get satisfaction and fulfillment in many ways from my job.

But the best part, my absolute favorite part, was her chapter on breastfeeding. And I can't even sum it up and do it justice, so here some of my favorite quotes:

"Invented in the mid-1800's as a last-ditch option for orphans and underweight babies, packaged infant formula has since been perfected to be a complete and reliable source of stress and shame for mothers"

"Shortly thereafter, we made the switch to an all-formula diet. . .however, the baby was thriving. I was no longer feeling trapped, spending thirty out of every ninety minutes attached to a Williams-Sonoma Tit Juicer"

Describing women she refers to as "Teat Nazis"- "Women who not only brag about how much their 5 year old still loves breast milk, but they also grill you about your choices. . .let me be clear, millions of women around the world nurse their children beautifully for years without giving anybody else a hard time about it. The Teat Nazis are a solely western upper-middle-class phenomenon occurring when highly ambitious women experience deprivation from outside modes of achievement"

Those three quotes each made me laugh out loud and then make Matt listen while I read them to him, only I had to keep stopping and giggling.

So yeah, I love this book. Everyone of you should go out and read it, unless any of that offended you, and then you should definitely read it. Awesome-o.

11 Months

2011-05-11T16:33:00.095-04:00

Today, Elliott is 11 months old. 48 weeks. 1 year minus 1 month. And I'm not ready yet.

As a very anxious, almost neurotic kid, I came up with a coping skill called, "you'll be ready when it happens". Actually, someone probably told me this, but I have no recollection of that happening, so I'm claiming it as my own personal revelation. But I do remember standing at the bus stop on my older brother's last day elementary school (he was finishing sixth grade, I was finishing fourth), and thinking about how he was going to junior high next year and feeling a little panicked because I was not ready to go to junior high in 2 years. But then I told myself, "you're not ready because it's not time yet, but you'll be ready when it's time". I did the same thing at the end of seventh grade while talking to Sam, a year older than me, about her going to high school the next fall, and I did it multiple times about college throughout high school. And I was always right- when the time came I was ready, more or less. Parenthood, however, is kind of squashing that for me. Because I'm not ready for Elliott to turn 1 and I doubt I will be 1 month from today.

The reality of him turning 1, which I mentioned had been creeping up on me before, continued last night when I realized that his little 11 month onesie would be the last "month" one I'd be making. I decided to do these pictures just through his first birthday, and I'll do one when he's a year old and yes it will be the same except it will say "1 year", but still, it seemed different to me. This is the last month of his first year, the year when everything we did was new.

I wonder if this is how it feels every time your kid finishes something. You feel like elementary school will be this thing they are always in, and then poof, it's the last day and they are in middle school. Then you feel like high school activities are part of your life and will always be, band concerts and football games and dances and teenagers in your house, and then suddenly, graduation happens and those things just stop. You know in your head that these times, these eras, are finite but you don't really think about it until they are almost over because that is just how life is. The moment that you're experiencing right now is the one that is longest and most real to you of your whole life, so regardless of how much you cherish your time and "enjoy it because it goes so fast", you still will have these breathless moments where you realized time has passed and life has changed.

Now I'm going to go watch a documentary on puppies with cancer and fall asleep crying. Goodnight!

Ok just kidding. Parenting is bitter sweet, we all know that, either because that's what everyone says, or because you've lived it. Month 11 was really fun, really challenging, and really affectionate. By affectionate I mean, Elliott learned to give kisses, and he loves giving his mama kisses. He has been planting his open mouth on my cheek for sometime now, but I taught him to kiss me when I pointed my lips to him and asked for a kiss. Only he hasn't figured out the pucker, so it's still lips to face, only now it's my general nose/mouth/chin area. For the first couple of days he only did this when I asked, and then one day we were playing on the floor, and he crawled over to me and grabbed my hair and aimed his open mouth toward my face for a kiss, and after that he buried his head on my shoulder and gave me a hug. And yes, I just about died.

We did the sleep training thing this month, a little Ferbering, and while it was tough (on Matt, really, who took the first night and therefore had to deal with the longest crying stretch), it really didn't last long at all and our lives have been so much better for it. He's not a perfect sleeper, but he doesn't need a bottle anymore if he wakes up at night; so far his cries in the middle of the night only means he's looking for his pacifier and can't find it, so we go in, pop it back in, and he's good. The pacifier we will tackle...later.

He's drinking from a sippy cup and showing less interest in food. He just doesn't seem to find many things appealing, and I'm getting a little nervous about that as we approach the year old mark and we transition from most of his nutrients coming from formula to most of his nutrients coming from solid food. Hopefully he gets more interested in a variety of foods. We'll see.

And he is THIS close to walking. He stands now, basically unsupported but with one hand lightly resting on whatever is around him just for comfort. He has let go a few times and stood on his own without realizing it and then immediately sat down, and then he's let go while realizing it for about 5 seconds before sitting down, and yesterday he took about 1 and a half tentative, falling steps to me on his own. He's an insane climber, though, and basically if it's waist high or below he can climb on it, which includes our Ikea bed. He does not, however, realize that he can't just nosedive off of these things so there's lots of policing to do.
He does tons of other cute things- babbles while pointing and shaking his hand, like he's trying to make an important point; added a little butt shaking and head wiggling to his dance move repertoire; "sings" along in the car if I'm singing to the music; "reads" books to himself and my personal favorite, if Matt and I or another friend and I are talking to each other and laughing, he starts laughing as if he's totally in on the joke in this sort of fake but sort of amused laugh he just started

I don't really have any other way to finish this up than to just say that I love being Elliott's mom so much.

Elliott Royce

11 months

Stats to come...

Bossypants

2011-05-10T22:21:00.001-04:00

Matt got me the book Bossypants, by Tina Fey, for Mother's Day and holy cow is it awesome- funny and interesting and insightful. I'm half-way through and I've found so many things that I wanted to quote here and them write about, that I'd basically be copying the entire book, and that's no fun. I also want to loan it to a lot of people who would enjoy it, but I don't want to lose it so I'm just going to forgo all the freebies and say go get this book!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Me's Day

2011-05-09T09:25:00.000-04:00

I've typed and re-typed the opening sentence to this blog post a couple of times because I'm trying to make it sound like I'm not some kind of ego maniac. But since I am some kind of ego maniac (like, you know, the nicest and least selfish kind), I'm just going to go for it: I've been really, really looking forward to Mother's Day this year. I'd love to be able to say it is because of my own mother, and how being a mother has helped me understand and appreciate her love and her sacrifices even more, and while that is definitely true, I still can't say that those thoughts are what made Mother's Day so special in my head this year. No, no, this one day has basically been all about me for some time now, and I'm giving myself permission to be ok with that. It is my first mother's day, after all, plus I wasn't wanting anything huge; I just wanted a day spent with my family, and I wanted to go to the zoo. Simple enough. But it was so amazing, and so much more than I could have wanted. Here is a run down of my day, so you can see for yourself (all times are, of course, approximate)

7:00am- Elliott wakes up and cries, I start to get up, Matt leans over and whispers "stay in bed, I'll get him, Happy Mother's Day"

8:45am- I wake up for the day, check my email and Facebook on my phone before getting up and see this post from Matt: "Happy Mother's Day honey. You are doing such an amazing job as a mother. Elliott and I are so much better off thanks to all the work you do. We couldn't ask for more. xoox" I cry for the first time that day, and go downstairs and get a big hug and kisses from my boys, and we hang out and play.
10:00am- Elliott takes a nap, Matt and I eat the waffles he made from scratch, and I spend the next 2 and a half hours or so sipping coffee, reading the internet, showering leisurely, etc, because Matt has forbade me to do any work. And not only did he not allow me to do any, but he did it instead =) I got a call from my brother Steve wishing me a Happy Mother's Day (I guess I should mention that I did see my mom and my grandma Ramey, Friday night for a mother/daughter banquet at their church, and I called my Gram Sunday morning, too).

12:40 pm-Elliott woke up, we gave him lunch, and then headed for the zoo. Moms got into the zoo for free, so it was a little crazy, but we just took our time to look around, avoided the super crowded stuff, and enjoyed showing Elliott the animals. He loves animals but I wasn't sure how he'd do if they weren't right in front of him where he could grab their ears or tails. He enjoyed it though, especially the monkeys that were jumping all around while he watched. It was super cute and we had a great time.

Waiting in the long line to get our tickets (note to selfs- buy online ahead of time)

Requesting a kiss....

Getting a kiss!

4:30-6ish: Get home from the zoo, put a tired and dirty baby down for a nap, and Matt and I take a nap, too. Matt had told me that morning that he wanted to make me a special dinner that night, whatever I wanted, and we'd eat together after Elliott went to bed. I love Matt's cooking, but in all honesty, my favorite food is sushi or something else fish or seafood related. And even though Matt said he would cook me fish (which, since he's a vegetarian, I really appreciate), I felt bad asking him to, so instead he went and got us take out at a sushi place and did some grocery shopping for us for the week.

8:00pm-ish: Elliott is in bed, Matt gets home, and we eat dinner together. Even though we were sitting at our little table in our kitchen, toys strewn everywhere, me in my pj's, eating awesome food from take out containers, I honestly can say it was one of my favorite meals ever. I couldn't believe the day I'd had, and then Matt turns to me and starts telling me what a great mom I am, and how he doesn't see how I do everything I do, and I just start crying all over again. And then he hands me a gift (can you believe it? I thought the whole day was my gift), a copy of Bossy Pants by Tina Fey. We made cookies and watched Sunday night television and I was in bed by 10.

It was everything I'd wanted the day to be and so much more, and I realized why as I thought about it before going to bed last night. I had been looking forward to this day so much and it occurred to me that I wasn't looking forward to it because I wanted to rest, or because I wanted presents, or because I wanted a nice meal, although I'm glad I got all of those things. I was looking forward to it because I wanted a day spent with just the 3 of us, and I was so happy because it was exactly what I got. Sometimes Mother's Day is about celebrating mom, and sometimes it is about sending her off to be pampered, or taking her out to brunch, or buying her fancy gifts. But my Mother's Day was about celebrating motherhood, and celebrating being a mom to my amazing son alongside his amazing dad. We celebrated being a family, and I couldn't have asked for more.

Is this really happening?

2011-05-03T15:46:00.001-04:00

One thing that is pretty cool about the timing of my pregnancy, even though it wasn't planned, is that a lot of our friends were planning to have babies, and did, and continue to do so. Having friends who are also parents is awesome, mostly because of how it aids you in your socialization. Going to hang out with friends whose house is baby-proof, who have toys that are new to your kid, and who understand why the night should begin at 4 and wrap up by 9? Very, very important.
One set of our friends was due 5 weeks before Elliott was, and we spent a lot of time with them while we were both pregnant. When their baby, Ms Mathilde, was born, we went to visit them in the hospital and I had one of those "oh wow I bet I'm actually going to have one of these, too" moments. It made it seem awfully real, and at the time, made me awfully jealous because I was very, very uncomfortable.

On Saturday we attended that baby girl's1st birthday party and I had a similar moment of clarity- my baby boy is almost 1. I've been thinking about his first birthday for a while now, but it was in that sort of "oh this might happen someday" way that I often thought about his birth. And then being hit with the reality was one of those parental moments that is both awesome and heart breaking at the same time. I'm sure that this next 5-6 weeks will be filled with gooey, mushy, I love being Elliott's mom type of emotions, especially since Mother's Day is thrown in the mix and especially since I'm a ridiculous crier. For now I'm just having fun and being excited about this party we're going to throw. Here is the birthday girl and Elliott, banging on some pots and pans

Yes, she is 6 weeks older than him. No he's not really any closer to the camera than she is.

My sweet little guy

Tips for a Working Mom*

2011-04-26T14:10:00.001-04:00

I am the kind of person who, whenever I see a problem, immediately tries to pair it with a solution. This is sometimes a good thing, sometimes a bad thing. It's a bad thing when there is a problem that I don't have any control over, or a problem for which a solution can't be found at the moment. I can drive myself nuts for hours worrying about, for example, where Elliott will go to kindergarten. In 5 years. So I work on and I have learned to put some things aside and realize a solution will come along in time, and that is a nice little mental vacation for my brain.

But- this attribute also comes in handy. I'm often praised in performance reviews for thinking quickly, making good decisions, and quashing problems when they're starting instead of letting them grow. And, for (almost) every problem that I write (aka whine) about on this blog, I'm actively looking for solutions and putting them into practice. Through a combination of critical thinking, asking other moms, looking at how others are successful, and just plain common sense, I've come up with some solutions that are making my life more manageable all the time, and I'm going to bestow my vast knowledge on you. Ok, honestly, these things may be very "duh" for some people, but they weren't necessarily for me, and so if you're reading this and you're like me at all, maybe they'll help you. And if you have any to share, OMG, please please do, unless they involve hiring live in help or something. Because you and I do not live on the same planet and so I don't think that would be helpful for me.

1. A place for everything, aka, Buy some shelves

I've heard this my whole life, of course, but credit Samantha with showing me how this works when she came to stay with me after Elliott was born and we'd only been in our house for 3 months. She noticed that, right outside our tiny bathroom, a pile of dirty laundry was growing in the corner where Matt would drop his clothes after getting in the shower. This pile of laundry was driving me nuts, until Sam simply said, "you need a hamper here".

Genius.

The truth is, neither Matt nor I are naturally organized people, but I do crave an orderly house, so it means I have to actually put effort into keeping it that way. I used to hear this and think that it meant that I had to stuff everything I owned into some corner or closet, and you may not be shocked to know that doesn't really help anything. What I've learned that this means is that you have to look at the cluttered areas of your house and almost always, you need invest in some storage to straighten it up. Luckily, we live close to an Ikea. There are probably more advanced solutions for your super organizers, but as a beginner, I'm finding that bookshelves and some kind of basket or container that sit in them are amazing. As long as you keep one type of thing per container it doesn't get out of control. For example, in the living room we have 2 cloth baskets that fit right inside the bookshelf, 1 for diapers, wipes, diaper cream, and 1 for small toys. In the dining room, a huge bookcase for most of our books, but also another basket for toys and an empty shelf for bigger toys, and in the kitchen a plastic tub that sits in the corner where he can put even more toys. Every room becomes a play room when you have a baby, so embrace it. I also picked up some pld, free dressers that I keep in our huge walk in closet and Matt's office where we can stick stuff to keep it out of the way.

2. Get your spouse on board

Spouse, partner, roommate, whatever- if he or she is at your skill level or below at staying organized, work with them on getting better for your sanity. You do not need to be picking up after yourself and a child AND another adult. Matt is really great and very helpful, the most hands on dad I've ever seen. There are things he does that I don't do, like yard work, gardening, and taking out the trash and recycling. He's also much less concerned with neatness than I am. It doesn't drive him nuts at all, as long as he knows where his stuff is. But we've had several discussions where we've been able to talk about how this effects me, how I need his help to put things where they go, and just where I need him to do more around the house. And luckily, he's awesome, and he actually does it. The clothes are in the hamper. The shoes are in the bin by the door. He wipes down the counter tops right after cooking so that I don't have to scour them later.

If you are really having trouble with getting your partner on board with this, I would honestly suggest some couple's counseling. That may seem drastic, but being able to communicate effectively about every day things that are important to you is a really important cornerstone of a good and healthy relationship. If you can't do it, then you both need to work on it. If, like me, things like trying to stay on top of housework cause you to have melt downs, and you cannot seem to get support from your spouse, then take it seriously and do what you need to do to work it out. You will be a more sane person and will have a more sane life.

3. Figure out what you need to do every day

I've discovered that in order to not feel like I'm drowning in all of this, I need to have my kitchen clean and dishes put away at night, so that when I wake up in the morning everything is where it should be. I also need to make sure that all toys and things that have a little bin or basket are in those places. Just doing that stuff every day, which doesn't take much time, makes me feel like I've got a handle on things. In as much as I am not naturally inclined to neatness, I am quite inclined to cleanliness, and keeping things clean is much easier when things are neatly put away. Getting in the habit of doing just this much every day makes it so that it is easy to run the vacuum, or the steam mop the floor, or whatever, if I need to or want to.

4. Sleep- do it

I found that getting Elliott's sleep under control has made a huge difference in being able to get through my day. At first there's not much you can do about this, but as kids get older, getting them to bed on time and then helping them sleep through the night is so important. I know some people who let their kids stay up really late, as late as they do, because they work and don't get to see them often. And that may work well for them. For me, Elliott's consistent bedtime is really important. He goes to sleep at 7:30, which means that I know that I have a little bit of downtime every night, which means that I can really focus on him for those hours that we're together and not have to be as distracted. It is awesome. I do look forward to when it's maybe 8, because I would like a little more time, but now he's tired by 7:30, and sometimes even 7, so that's when we put him down. Sleep training is controversial, and I'll write more about it, but I'll say now that doing the Ferber thing this past week has really changed my life. Not only am I getting more sleep, but Elliott's sleeping is much more predictable, which is very empowering and makes for a less crazy mind.

5. Learn to let it go

On a couple of levels. When a house has a kid living in it, you can tell. There will be toys all over your house, baskets and bins or not. There will be sippy cups and pacifiers strewn places where you don't expect. Be ok with it. Let go of needing to have that "my house is totally clean" feeling more than on special occasions or the one weekend a month you have nothing to do and are feeling manic. ESPECIALLY let it go if you know someone who has a kid and manages to always seem to have a neat and tidy house. However they are wired, if you're not, you're not, and that's ok.

And also, just as you might have things that have to be done everyday, like my clean kitchen and organized toys, allow yourself to have things or places that just aren't going to get done, or get done often. Our bedroom is a disaster. There is a bed, 2 dressers, a side table, a broken rocking chair, and a cradle in it. Nothing on the walls, no curtains, no pictures. We don't obviously use the cradle and chair except as a place to put clothes. The hamper is often overflowing, the bed rarely made. And you know what? I'm over it. I vacuum it, I fold clean clothes and put them away or hang them up, and I make sure the sheets and pillowcases are clean. Beyond that it's a little crazy, and we just go in there to sleep and get dressed, and keep the door shut otherwise. In a perfect world, I'd say that one day I'll tackle it. In reality, I know I won't.

Ok so there are 5 tips for how to be a sane working mom. There are still areas I'm trying to conquer- I can't seem to keep the bathroom counter top neat and tidy, or the bathroom floor clean (not of gross stuff, but loose hairs and whatever), the windows barely get washed, and I need to organize tons of baby clothes that Elliott has outgrown. Also, we seem to get a lot of spiders in our very old house and I'd like this number to decrease which I think will involve shop vac-ing our dungeon of a basement. Solutions will come along, or not, and in the mean time, Wellbutrin is wonderful.

*For anyone reading this and getting all huffy because stay at homes moms ARE working moms, read here

Sunday Sunday

2011-04-25T11:51:00.000-04:00

Sunday afternoons and evenings have become my favorite time of the week. It would be easy to dread the end of the weekend, and think about how much it stinks that I have to go back to work and leave behind my baby boy. And usually once or twice those thoughts come into my mind and I'm sad. But, I try to instead focus on my weekend and how great it was, and revel in the memories and feelings of spending all of this time with Elliott, and all this time together as a family. I also love this time because Sunday nights are my most relaxing night. While there are usually lose ends to tie up with cleaning, and finishing laundry, or getting Elliott's food ready for the week, I've been working on all of that little by little all weekend. On Sundays, the house is mostly clean, the clothes are mostly hung, there are leftovers in the fridge, and I can relax and just have fun hanging with Elliott. Then, once he goes to bed, Matt and I usually watch a movie and I try to both reflect on the past two days and enjoy relaxing and being with him, and savor the calm before the storm.

What I'm savoring now is how great Elliott's first Easter was. We went to my mom and dad's house for Easter Sunday and it was great. Easter Sunday is always special, and I love spending it at my parents' church, regardless of where their church is. It's special, first of all, because it is Easter. Christmas gets all the press, but for Christians, Easter really is our biggest holiday- our high holy day, the day that makes Christmas mean anything at all.

As a preacher's daughter, I always liked the buzz and excitement that Easter Sunday brought that shook up the normal Sunday morning. As a little girl I adored getting super fancied up, which included of course hats, gloves, white patent leather shoes and socks with frilly lace on them. My mom used to take me to the store where I would pick out a new pink tie for my dad to wear on Easter Sunday morning, as pink was my favorite color, and we would get up early and open our Easter baskets before heading to church hopped up on Peeps and Reece's Peanut Butter Eggs. Church would always be packed, and all of the best stuff was saved for Easter morning (and just a little insider trivia for you non-PK's- all churches do this. Easter Sunday is bring out the goods day, so if you're on a worship team and you're asked to sing on Easter Sunday, know that you're probably in the running for Best Church Singer. If not, well, try harder at the Candlelight Service and you just may get lucky next year). Then there was the Easter Egg hunt and a big meal with either family or friends after, and also awesome- no evening church, so we just got to hang out at home after a long day.

I still go home to my parents' church on Easter Sunday, because even though the hats and gloves are gone, and even though I'm not involved in anything besides just attending, I still love it. I love the Easter hymns and I love seeing all of the little kids in their cute clothes, and now that one set of my grandparents go to my parents' church, it is an added bonus of getting to spend Easter Sunday with them. And of course, with Elliott's first Easter, we had to get him all spiffied up. Behold, the cutest little vested 10 month old you've ever seen

He was super engrossed in playing with the eggs and the grass around him; I had a really hard time getting him to look at the camera, much less smile. But I think his first Easter was a success, and I hope you all had a great weekend with friends and/or family!

Zombies

2011-04-22T23:58:00.001-04:00

Posting was light (or is it lite?) this week because waking hours have been dedicated to holding eyes open between thumbs and forefingers. Aka, sleep "training" has begun this week. More details coming when I can see straight past 8:30pm. This is a cute picture though of Elliott enjoying some tofu nuggets

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Melt down in 3-2-1

2011-04-18T15:14:00.001-04:00

I had a small breakdown this weekend. Standing in the kitchen while Elliott napped, Matt walked in, asked me if everything was ok, and I just started crying. As a man who has lived with a pregnant woman and new mother, he knew just what to do, and pulled me into a hug for a few moments before asking what was wrong.

Ugh, what was wrong. Working mom guilt, that's what was wrong.

I made the mistake of adding up the numbers of waking hours that Elliott has in one week versus the number of waking hours that I am with him. I came to the conclusion that he's awake for about 9.5 hours each day for a total of 66.5 hours a week, and when I add up how often he's at the baby-sitter (3.5 days because of my awesome flexible work schedule), plus the evening that I work, plus his nap times on Friday-Sunday when I'm home with him, I get to spend about 43 hours per week with my son, as long as I do nothing else during the times that he's awake.

And actually, that's not that bad for someone who works full time. It could be worse. By the numbers I spend more time with him than I do doing anything else besides sleeping, and actually, that's about even given how often I'm usually up at night. What contributed to my meltdown is that I put enormous pressure on myself to make those 43 hours count as much as possible. I feel as though I cannot miss one minute of them or else Elliott's life is going to spiral out of control. I also try to put off, as much as possible, household chores while he's awake so that I can focus on him, so his nap times are spent furiously trying to do laundry, shower, clean floors, etc. I do force myself to relax for about an hour at night after he goes to bed and before I go to bed, but even that usually involves folding laundry or something else I can do sitting down while watching television. And on Saturday, after he was down for his second nap and I was running around trying to tick items off of my to-do list, I just suddenly felt exhausted and overwhelmed and all it took was Matt's kind voice to prompt it all to come rushing out. Because the problem is, even when I tick things off of my to-do list, I'm still not getting done about 75% of what I want to get done.

Obviously, this is crazy, and cannot be sustained, even if I am a working mom. And you know, many people read that statement and respond loudly and proudly with "stay at home moms are working moms!". And yes, I agree that's true. Being a mom, period, means a lot of work. But I also hear stay at home moms refer to themselves as "full time moms" and to that I want to declare just as boldly, "working moms ARE full time moms!". It really is like having 2 full time jobs. Sure, for 3.5 days a week someone else is feeding him and putting him down for naps and supervising while he plays, but even when he's at the baby sitter, I'm still mothering. I'm the one who prepares the food that she feeds him, I'm the one who takes him to the doctor when he needs to go, I'm the one who worries all day when he's got a diaper rash or is cutting teeth, or thinks about what happens when he bumps his head and cries and I'm not there to fix it. I'm the one monitoring how often he sleeps and making sure his schedule is ok. I clean the clothes that are in the plastic bag when I come to pick him up because he pooped and it came squirting out of his diaper, and I give him baths when he's been playing in dirt outside. When he tugs on his ears and cries, I have to determine whether it's an ear ache or teething or just that he found an ear to tug on. As wonderful as our baby-sitter is, baby-sitting is not parenting, not mothering. Because on top of all of the functions I listed, I also teach him rules and values, I'm the one responsible for his well being, his safety, his self-esteem, his security, and I have to bear all of that that responsibility while not having the benefit of being around him 24/7.

And I know that I'm not alone in this! There are millions of women who are working their butts off and mothering their children remotely, and trying to find time to squeeze in everything else that life holds. And obviously, with a schedule like this, something has to give and I'm finding that what gives for me, and for other working moms I know, is time for ourselves. It is just really hard, for me, to justify spending those few hours he's asleep at night or while napping on the weekends doing anything besides sleeping or cleaning the house or grocery shopping or some other chore that has to be done. But as melt downs like the one on Saturday remind me when they crop up, I have to actively work to create a balance.

Now having said all of that, it is probably surprising to people that Matt and I went to Louisville last weekend and left Elliott at my parents' house, and that we've sent him down there a couple of times since he was about 4 months old. And it's a really, really hard decision to make every time, full of guilt. But I know two things that help me deal with it. Thing 1 is that relationships with grandparents are really good for kids. I grew up with 4 doting grandparents, as well as a doting aunt (and uncles, I suppose deserve some credit, too), and those relationships were really special as a kid and continue to be to this day.

Thing 2 is that as a full time mom and a full time wage earner, and for Matt as a full time dad and wage earner, we have got to have time for us as a couple, and for us individually. Stay at home moms might take that time here and there, because going out for dinner with your friends on a weeknight, or spending an hour at the gym on a Saturday, isn't as big of a deal when you spent the whole day with your kid, and when those hours here and there aren't competing with your only shopping or cleaning time. Matt and I, instead, take our "time outs" in 24 hour increments- an evening to go out, a night to sleep and sleep in, and a morning to get breakfast, catch up on housework, whatever.

And even with all of that, I still have those little meltdowns. And I think that's because no matter how great of a balance we've achieved, no matter how much of their fair share a spouse takes on around the house (and Matt is AWESOME, let me just say), no matter stay at home or working outside the home, most moms want to be able to do more and be more. Dealing with that, with all of this, is a learning experience. Luckily, the rewards really are totally worth it.

Hi Mama!

2011-04-17T21:55:00.001-04:00

Elliott began saying mama this week. He started making the M sound by clapping his hand over his mouth, so he either says mama while doing that, or just claps his hand over while looking at me. It's basically amazing.

He also has been doing a funny little "downward dog" pose, and a couple of days ago when he did it I leaned over and said hi to him. This cracked him up and so, of course, we do this pretty often now

That's all!

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Rocked and Rolled

2011-04-16T21:28:00.001-04:00

Last weekend Elliott stayed at my parents' house, and Matt and I partied down in a way that only parents of a baby can really appreciate. We had lots of plans, and ended up having a great time while also hedging those plans a bit in order to get some sleep. I did, though, get to do some of my favorite Cincinnati things and explore some cool Louisville things. It was pretty fun, and for some reason, I took zero pictures. Argh! We will have to rely on my, luckily, excellent powers of written expression.

Friday after my mom left with Elliott, I put in a few hours at the ol' office, and Matt and I headed to our second favorite location of our first favorite Mexican place, Cancun. If you live in Cincinnati and have not eaten at Cancun, do not eat another thing until you change that situation. We ate at the Norwood location, but believe it or not our fave is the Western Hills location, which is the original. The other three restaurants have these awful, bright chairs and booths and crazy Aztec/mermaid inspired walls decor. Ours, though, is attached to a bowling ally and the decor is some odd mix of 70's B movie set in a Reno bar, sharks, and sports bar. Anyway, regardless of where you go the food is authentic, the margaritas are awesome, and the chips y salsa rock-o.

So we went to dinner at like 5:30 because we were both starving after work, and we were done with dinner by about 6:30, because who else is eating dinner at 5:30 on a Friday night? We headed over to Oakley After Hours, which was fun, and around 7:45 we headed over to Clifton to go to Fries Cafe. Sitting in the outdoor area at about 9:15 I realized that all I had been doing since about 30 minutes into our time in Oakley was trying to bide the time until I felt like it was acceptable to go home on a kid-free night. So we went home and I was asleep by 10. Pretty nice.

Saturday I got up (after having woken up at midnight and not being able to fall asleep until 2- what??) and went to breakfast with Erin, which was awesome. We had a leisurely time at Sugar and Spice, which is one of my favorite places to eat breakfast (and again Cincinnati people, if you haven't been here, it needs to be the next place you have breakfast or brunch), and then hung out for a little while at Half Price Books. We browsed for books and discussed the meaning of life and relationships, as we do.

Saturday afternoon Matt and I headed to Louisville, the city of my birth, and where my parents and brother and sister-in-law lived for a few years, but that I admittedly don't know much about. We stayed at The Brown hotel, which is a swanky hotel built in the 20's and is still beautifully decorated in English Renaissance meets Louisville horse racing chic. We strolled around and ate dinner downtown, then met up with Matt's cousin and went to Zanzabar, apparently the happening restaurant/bar/small concert venue to see Lia Ices. Lia Ices is a singer from Brooklynn, of the willowy, ethereal voice type. Matt got me her album for Valentine's Day after walking into a record store, hearing the album playing, and crying because he thought it was so beautiful. And her music and voice are beautiful, and the show was really great. She opened for a group called the Cave Singers, who played some funky, bluegrassy, hipstery dance stuff.

And I have to say, it was pretty awesome. It was one of those show experiences where everything comes together- great music, good locale, good crowd, sure, but then extra things. Like, getting an autographed record and chatting with Lia and her band, standing right up in the front row during the final songs of the headliner as the energy of the crowd of surged and boogeying in my skinny jeans, and a celebrity standing about 20 feet away from me during most of the show (Jennifer Carpenter, from Dexter).

As much fun as I had, though, I woke up Sunday morning and could not wait to see Elliott. All weekend I had been missing him like crazy, and everywhere I looked I saw little kids who reminded me of him. Friday at Oakley After Hours, there were little kids dancing around all over the place; Saturday night at the theater right next to our hotel there was an Elmo live show and families were pouring in as we were heading out; and Sunday morning when we stopped for breakfast a family came in with two little boys. At one point while we were waiting for the show to start, I pulled out my phone and watched a short video of Elliott and got tears in my eyes. It was really hard being away from him for that long, and as we pulled onto the ramp going to my parents' house I got butterflies in my stomach I was so anxious to see him. Our reunion was great- complete with a big Elliott kiss on my cheek as soon as I picked him up, followed by this wonderful resting his head on my shoulder thing he's been doing for a little while now while he had a little smile on his face.

It was really hard being away, not just missing him, but the guilt that cropped up here and there. But I know he had a great time at my mom and dad's house, and Matt and I had a good time being together, and I love that the reality of coming home is actually better than a great weekend away.

10 Months

2011-04-12T11:58:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Elliott turned 10 months old. This time last month, I was writing a tearful post about how sentimental this milestone was making me feel and how amazing he is. I still think (know) that he's amazing, but I have to admit, this last month kind of kicked my ass. Know why? Because of this

Oh the movement. The constant, constant movement. And the grabbing. Also, what we've dubbed the "bull dozing", which means that when he decides he wants to go somewhere, he just charges right over whatever is in his way, leaving a path of toys, clothes, knocked over kitchen furniture, a frazzled cat, whatever, in his wake. And one more thing- he doesn't sleep anymore. So all of that is kind of tiring. And I actually love that he's learning more and doing more all of the time. It's just also been especially hard this month because on top of all this movement, I was sick, and then he was sick. I was basically out for the count for about a week and spent the next 3 trying to make up for it, both at work and at home.

He's been pulling himself up for over a month but now its completely effortless and constant. From the minute I walk in the house and put him down until I put him to bed he is moving, moving, moving. Even when trying to feed him now, he arches his back and grunts because he's too busy for this interruption! Plus it doesn't appear that he really likes food (shocking from this size, I know). I think he's close to standing on his own and walking but I have no idea how long it'll take him to get there because unlike sitting up, rolling over and crawling, we are in no way trying to encourage or help him stand on his own and walk. I know, terrible parents. No, tired parents. Plus he's getting there on his own anyway; lately he will come over if I'm sitting somewhere and instead of pulling himself up and grabbing my leg to stay up, he just has to lay one hand on my leg and he can turn and look around and gesture with ease. He also is trying to stand up on his own, but so far all that happens is that he ends up in a "downward dog" yoga pose, with his feet, butt, and hands making a triangle with the ground. I need to get a picture, it's pretty funny.

I'm trying to introduce new foods to him still but either he develops a really bad diaper rash once I do, and/or, he doesn't like it. So I'm still doing the baby food, which is fine, but I feel kind of bad that he's still eating the same steamed and blended vegetables and fruits mixed with cereal and oatmeal that he was eating 2 months ago. He did discover a joy of eating blue berries whole, but then squished one in his hand and cried. Oh boy. He has 6 teeth now, which makes for even cuter smiles, but doesn't seem to be encouraging too much food exploration. With one exception: he will grab a small apple and go to town on it for about 10 minutes.

He still dances and now will request that we play music by crawling up to the bookcase, pulling himself up and staring up at the top of it where the stereo sits, and then bouncing while looking around for us. We generally oblige because it's pretty cute and we like to have music playing, too. He loves being pushed around in his "truck" that Grandpa PJ got him for Christmas, and he also loves pulling plastic containers and bags out of the kitchen cabinets. He's a total climber- up the stairs for sure, and even onto the lid of the dishwasher if it's down and I don't catch him in time.

Sleeping is...eh. I've been telling Matt that at 10 months I'd feel comfortable with "sleep training", and I am EXHAUSTED, but I am nervous to try anything. Elliott is waking up always once, and often twice, at night to eat, and yes, this is getting worse as he gets older. Matt and I take turns getting up with him every other night, but only getting about 7 hours of sleep every other night, and getting about 6 hours interrupted 2-3 times on the off nights, is starting to really catch up with us both. I could write a bunch more about this, but I think we're going to have to try some type of letting him cry. Mostly I'm afraid that it won't work, and we'll have wasted 3-4 nights staying up with a crying baby, have missed out on that potential sleep, and still be getting no sleep. Who knows. Let's hope and pray that the 11 month update has me raving about how awesome the sleep training works and wishing I'd done it months ago.

Alright so I know this is sort of a whiny post, but like I said, this month has been rough. And I'm ok with that. I know that like anything good, there can be rough patches when it comes to being a parent. But it is, of course, completely worth it, and I'm not even saying that because I feel like I have to- promise! Another thing that has started to happen this month is that Elliott will be down playing, smashing things together, crawling around, pounding on the television, whatever, and every once in a while he looks at me, smiles, crawls over to me, and climbs into my lap to plant an open mouth right on my cheek. I hug him, he hugs back, then squirms to be let down again. I'm the only person he does this to, and it makes me feel like I'm his anchor or something- like sometimes he just needs a little tiny bit of mommy love, even if it means putting down the toys for a minute. And the cool part is that usually I could use some baby love right at that moment, too. Ok that's a lie- I can always use some baby love!

Elliott Royce

10 Months

26 pounds, 10 ounces (yes, he lost weight since last month)

30.75 inches long (yes, he grew taller!)

P.S.- no big smiley pictures this month because he was really not into the sitting still

Sensor

2011-04-11T16:13:00.001-04:00

Alright so just a quick post because this cracked me up, and I had to share. I am doing a management training thing at work, and we had to take a self-assessment. I actually love self-assessments (shocking), so I did it as soon as I got the paperwork. As I was filling it out I was a little disappointed, as I was getting a feeling that I was probably going to score about equally across the board, and that's always kind of boring. I was surprised, though, that between the 4 choices- Intuitor, Thinker, Feeler, Sensor- I scored pretty high on Sensor. And here's what it says (keep in mind this is management/work oriented):

Typical Telephone Behavior: Abrupt. Staccato. Gets to the point, expects others to do the same. Interrupts. Needs to control the conversation.
Um, yeah, I hate talking on the phone because it always just takes so dang long. Especially the fact that we have to go back forth about 4 times before we can hang up- "alright then, sounds good"- "yeah thanks for the information"- "sure, let me know if you need anything else"- "will do"- "see you later"- "take care"- "ok bye"- "bye-bye". ARGH! I wish it was socially acceptable to say "alright, if you agree, let's end the conversation. Good bye"- "Agree, goodbye"- CLICK.

Typical Office Decor or Surroundings: Sensors generate atmosphere of hard-charging clutter. Mementos, if any, connote action. Desk is likely to be big, messy. Sensor is too busy to be neat, too action-oriented to be concerned with image unless coupled with a strong thinker back-up style.
All I have to say to this is, mom, if you felt like you were throwing yourself against a brick wall when you constantly tried to get me to "straighten up" my room, well, you basically were. But don't blame me, I'm a sensor!!

Typical Style of Dress: Informal, simple, functional clothes. . .wants to be neat but not fancy. Tends to categorize: everyday or dress-up. If they see the occasion as being "special,"they throw simplicity to the winds; their competitve zeal then rises to the surface and they have "out-class" everyone.
Um, yeah, I categorize EVERY piece of clothing in my mind, the only difference is I have three categories- work, casual, dress up. And the competitive zeal rises in me in almost every situation, so while I can't say I've ever "out-classed" everyone, or even come close, I do really like to get all dolled up and lookin' good.

When seen as effective: pragmatic, assertive, directional, results-oriented, objective, competitive, confident.
Every one of those words has been used during at least one work performance review, BUT, the part that made me laugh out loud was this next section because I don't think I've ever seen basically all of my potential faults lined up in such a neat row before:

When seen as ineffective: doesn't see long-range, status seeking, self-involved, acts first then thinks, lacks trust in others, domineering, arrogant.
Bingo. But hey, at least years of therapy has helped me manage a lot of that. Most of the time.

Niche

2011-04-09T13:22:00.123-04:00

The counseling program that I was in for graduate school was focused on something that they call "Ecological Counseling" (Hollah to my Ecological Counselor readers!! Sandra, Susannah, and that's probability it). Ecological counseling is not, as you might suppose, about working through the emotions that one experiences when they throw away their pop can instead of walking across the hallway to where the recycling bin is, although, some of my co-workers could probably use a group session on that topic. It is a philosophy of counseling that is based off of Brofenbrenner's Concentric Circles idea, that takes into account the client's entire "ecological niche" for purposes of diagnosis and treatment. An ecological niche is all of the parts of a person's environment that they interact with on a day to day basis- everyone from their spouse/children/partner, to the family of origin, classmates, co-workers, Jazzercise instructor, neighbors, police officers in their community, worker at the Starbucks where they get their coffee every morning, etc.

Pause here to note that mentioning graduate school and Brofenbrenner is totally gratuitous, I know, but here's the deal- I spent two grueling years getting a master's degree, and I have basically nothing to show for it but debt from student loans and the ability to put the letters "MA" on my business cards. So I mention it here simply because I can, and I throw around names that no one knows or cares about just to remind myself from time to time that I know some stuff.

Alright so the ecological niche- way back in '05 when I was in grad school, we discussed the ecological niche in terms of our day to day interactions, but I don't recall speaking much of online interactions when talking about this concept. And the truth is, for many of us, especially if you're the kind who reads blogs, our online interactions are a huge part of our ecological niche. For most of us, I think that it would be incorrect to think that our "online lives" and our "real lives" are two separate entities. In fact, online life is often just another aspect of real life, like work life or family life And you know what? That's ok! In fact it can be great, because it's community. It doesn't take the place of your face to face community (probably), it can just exist alongside it or in many cases, co-exist and support and make stronger. I know that many of the people I interact with on Facebook, for example, are people that I also see in person and interact with.

My two biggest online "identities", if you will, are my blog and Facebook. (Facebook me if you read this and you want, by the way, I'm very good at one liner status updates). And what I'm thankful about with both of these are the ability to share, and to have others share with me. I love reading other people's blogs (well, blogs that I would read anyway), because I love learning about other people. I guess that explains why I loved being a counselor, too. More than a few people have noted that blogs, and maybe particularly the "mommy blogs", are fulfilling the idea of the "village" of older days. People really are herd animals, and industrialism and beyond has caused us to grow both closer together in proximity, but put up more physical boundaries.

Uh whoa, this is getting a little weird for me, too. Sociology 101, anyone?

Anyhoo, the point of all of this is to say that I, now more than ever, consider my online ecological niche to be an important part of my "village". I don't live down the street from my mom, and I live half a country away from my brother, but, they can read my blog and see pictures of their grandson/nephew and know what's going on with him pretty often. I work, so I don't get to be part of a mom play group. But I read the blogs of other moms, and I get to see their children and hear about their struggles and triumphs and share in the joy of their families with them. I have friends who live all over the country and I am able to keep them up with what's happening with me and my family despite the fact that I rarely have time to pick up the phone. And even the blogs of strangers I read are encouraging, because I get to see how other people do it. And, completely aside from the parenting blogs, I get to read other things so that I can know about the world outside of my kid and my job, which basically take up all of my time.

The virtual part of my ecological niche is pretty nice. It is opening up doors and possibilities and strengthens relationships that can be hard, if not impossible, to maintain otherwise. And I like that.

So who is in my online ecological niche? Well I will now share that with you, and if you want, you can share with me who is in yours. I actually use Google Reader to keep up with my blogs and websites (thanks Jenn for teaching me about this however long ago!). Besides the people whose blogs are linked on my sidebar, I regularly read the following blogs/websites through my Google Reader:

- New York Times, Cincinnati.com and NPR.com (not going to go into explanations on those, duh)

Dooce- probably one of the most famous blogs, about Heather Armstrong, an ex-Mormon hipster living with her husband and two daughters in Salt Lake City

Wine Me, Dine Me - this is a blogger who reviews restaurants in Cincinnati. I'm not actually sure why I follow her so closely because I don't always agree with her, but, I do like to read about new restaurants and try them whether she likes them or not

Perez Hilton - yikes, total guilty pleasure. Gay, dirty, Hollywood gossip monger. Addicting.

1000AwesomeThings - a feel good blog to read when you're weighed down by the negativity of gossiping. It lists an awesome thing every day, and it is counting down to number 1. Currently on number 270, Dogs with Jobs.

Enjoying the Small Things- another common blog to read, got sucked into this by the birth story she posted of one of her daughters born with Down Syndrome. She is one of those people you probably want to hate but you can't. Stay at home mom with two daughters, lives in Florida, skinny and pretty, but I'm hooked.

Further Dispatches - Jorge Garcia (Hurley from Lost)- his blog after he quit making his Lost blog. Doesn't post too often, or too lengthy, but always cute or charming in some way.

Hyperbole and a Half Hands down the funniest blog I've ever read. She rarely posts, but when she does, HILARIOUS. Like, I sit at my desk and laugh out loud at work even though I try not to. And then I laugh all day thinking about it.

Snopes.com Snopes.com is a website that debunks urban legends. It is awesome, and every legend is on there, ever. And I don't know why but I completely believe them and their sources. When you subscribe you get the new "legend of the day", and I like it because these days it's usually about the latest political attack spam email and why it's not true.

Grammar Warrior This blog is AWESOME. A student worker in a department that I work closely with writes this blog, and she is hilarious. It is about grammar and it's pretty good.

Jezebel- this is, like, Feminism101. A website from the folks at Gawker.com, basically a bunch of commentaries on culture (pop and otherwise) from a feminist perspective. Extreme at times, but, generally I like it.

So that's my niche! Alright, now I'm off to Louisville with Matt- Elliott's at my mom and dad's and tonight we're gonna party like two parents who are away from their baby. Meaning we'll have every intention of hitting the town, but will be in bed by 10.

Project Updates

2011-04-04T20:30:00.000-04:00

1. Update on my Nook Project

Yeah, I haven't even started yet. I'd heard that the book "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Steig Larrson was good from several people, and it was on sale on the Barnes and Noble site right after Christmas so I downloaded it then. I started it right before I decided to start the Nook project, and it was super great. And I found out that it's also book 1 of a trilogy, and they are all total page turners. Right now I'm probably 3/4 of the way through the last book. I recommend them if you like a great mystery, or even if you just like a great book. So I've decided, once I'm done with this final book, that I'll start with To Kill a Mockingbird.

2. Update on my 2011 Project

Nothing huge to report here, except for something exciting which is that I went shopping at this consignment shop here in Cincinnati and got some awesome clothes for work. I decided that in addition to shopping for only second hand clothes, I'm going to remember a rule that I've heard you should follow while clothes shopping, but which I haven't paid much attention to in the past- only buy stuff you love. I've been known to buy clothes that kind of fit, or that I mostly like, if they've been a good deal, and then I never wear them. There were a few articles of clothes that I felt that way about, including a pair of pants that fit well in the thighs and were a good length, but were basically hanging off my waist. I thought I could get a belt that would hold them up and wear a long shirt- but then decided, no, I don't love these pants because they don't fit right. I'm thinking I made the right choice. Thanks for indulging while I share about my boring shopping habits.

I guess another thing sort of related is that in February, we went to Ikea and plopped Elliott down in one of the baby Poang chairs and took a picture. It was a very cute picture where he looked really happy, and my mom was just shocked that we didn't buy him the chair right then and there. Because, you know, he needs every thing that makes him smile. I reminded my mom that that would be her job. Then Matt told me to convince them that he was happy in the baby Poang, but he was SUPER happy and excited on this 6.5 foot couch. Anyway, I guess next time we'll have to take a picture of him looking adorable on a couch, or in front of a big plasma tv or something, because Saturday Kristi showed up with a box from Ikea- yep, my mom had sent her money to go and pick up a baby Poang. Grandma to the rescue. And Elliott is a fan

But he did ask about the couch...

Friends and Family

2011-04-03T21:24:00.000-04:00

This weekend was full of friends and family, and that is a great way to spend a weekend. Here are the required photos. Saturday was a trip to Findlay Market with our great friend Kristi, after a breakfast of waffles made from scratch by Matt. I love Findlay Market and am looking forward to many more trips there this spring.

I've noted on here before that I am extremely lucky to have all of my grandparents still with me, and today Elliott and I headed up to see my Gram and Pa, and we saw my Aunt Char there as well. Elliott was kind of sleepy when we got there, and he's been a little shy around people he doesn't see very often, so he was super snuggly when we first got there and I was loving it. He warmed up, though, and had fun playing with a new toy from Aunt Char and just being cute. Here he is with my Pa, where he got the Royce in Elliott Royce

Elliott doesn't usually let himself be rocked to sleep or held while he sleeps, but his Aunt Char "The Great", a professional baby rocker, was able to get him off to sleep and he napped in her arms for a little while

I was looking at some photos of my dad and his siblings as babies, as well as my brother Steve and I as babies, and I noticed that Elliott looks a lot like my dad, and kind of a cross between me and my brother Steve as babies. Which I guess makes sense since all 3 of us look a lot alike. Here are some pictures of pictures. First, my dad

Me, and yes, I was hugely chunky

And my brother Steve

Pettyjohns make incredibly cute babies, obviously. Time to take this cuteness to bed. Have a good Monday folks.

Flashback

2011-04-02T21:27:00.000-04:00

It's been a year since we moved into this big old house up on the hill. This was us a year ago

And this was our front entry way about a year ago

A couple of days ago, Elliott climbed all the way up those stairs to the landing, turned and went up 4 more stairs to another landing, then turned again and went up the rest of the stairs to the second floor (I was behind him the whole time, of course). What a crazy difference a year makes!

Moving in here was insane. I have no way to impress upon you how difficult moving when you're 7 months pregnant is. I was just so limited by what I could do, not only because I didn't want to lift too much or whatever, but also because I was just so huge and so exhausted. I remember trying to wash baseboard and having to take a break every 10 minutes or so because I was so exhausted. Ugh.

But here we are, a year later, and stuff is more or less put away, and things stay more or less clean. At least, there's always clean clothes to wear and clean dishes to eat on and I can usually get the downstairs looking presentable in 20 minutes or so if someone is coming over. I consider that to be adequate given the whole working mom thing. We had an awesome garden last summer, thanks to Matt, and I'm looking forward to more fresh produce this year.

Our neighborhood, Price Hill, is in an area of town that is near where I went to college. When I was in college, I was part of a group that traveled to churches on weekends and worked as counselors for 10 weeks at different church camps around the midwest recruiting for the school. The staff leader of the group recommended that we refer to Price Hill as "the historic westside" of Cincinnati. When we tell people that we've moved over here, they often say, "why??", and then we defend our choice by saying that 1. the rent is incredibly cheap, and we're living in a huge house for what we'd pay for a 2 bedroom apartment in other parts of town, and 2. we're really barely in Price Hill. We live right on the edge of the neighborhood, less than a mile from where it switches from "the westside" to "downtown", and we can see downtown from our backyard.

I have to admit that although I assured Matt that this neighborhood would be fine and totally safe, I was a little nervous to move over here. Right where we live is fine, but I wouldn't feel safe walking off our block to the east. Probably has something to do with the drive by shooting that killed someone there this past year. To the west, though, it's totally fine, and we've walked about a half a mile to a little park with Elliott. Our neighbors are incredibly friendly, even if someone of them are characters in their own way. For example, an apartment building near our house caught on fire and some firetrucks came, so of course everyone was out on the street trying to figure out what happened. It was probably 6 in the evening, and a news car pulled up and a camera man and reporter got out, and one of neighbors from two houses down raised his beer can in the air and exclaimed, "woo-hoo! We gonna be on tv!'.

So it's been good living here. We'll be here another year and then I we'll move somewhere where we can have a bigger yard, be in a good school system, and be closer to a shopping or restaurant area that we can walk to, which is probably the biggest drawback to this neighborhood. But I know that I'll always have a special place in my heart for this house and this neighborhood because it was Elliott's first home. It's the neighborhood where Matt proudly showed off our brand new son to the neighbors who came out of their front doors to see us in the days following Elliott's birth. It's the house where I brought home my baby, and where I've watched him learn to smile, learn to roll, learn to sit, learn to babble, learn to eat, and learn to climb stairs. This house is where I learned to be a mom, and I love it for that.

Working It

2011-03-29T22:32:00.000-04:00

Ok yesterday I wrote a blog post about a blog post I was going to write, and I said I would rewrite it today, but now I'm not going to write that same post. It was a regular old working mom angst post, and while it was helpful for me to write because I sorted through some feelings, I don't know, when I tried to rewrite it I realized I didn't need to totally rehash it. So I'll sum up- I was struggling, once again, with being a working mom.

I guess I always will. I think it has to do some with my counseling background- I remember being in grad school and talking with other counseling students during internship, and noticing how we were always working on issues with the client's parents. It seemed like no matter what the issue was that brought someone into counseling, and no matter what the relationship with the parent was like when they were kids, we had to work through the history of the parent/child relationship and how it messed up who the client was as an adult. And so, as counseling students, we would often remark that we were terrified how we were going to mess up our own kids, since apparently, it was inevitable.

Now there are a lot of things you could say about that, but what our professor said was simply, "as parents you don't have to be perfect- you just have to be good enough". That probably goes against what many moms and dads want to believe, because they want to believe that they can be perfect or at least really, really great for their kids, but I'm learning that it is how it is. I try to be the best parent that I can be, and hopefully, that'll be good enough. So I took 4 long paragraphs yesterday and disected exactly how my son being with a baby-sitter 30 hours a week was going to undermine the important feelings of security that I had to make sure that he develops now in order for him to grow up to be a succesful and emotionally well adjusted adult. And then the app crashed and didn't save much of it.

And then as I sat down to rewrite it, I remembered about being good enough. And I also started to think about the fact that I can focus all of the time on this theoretical knowledge that I have about how Elliott's life may or may not turn out (as it if only has to do with me, right?), and I can continue to indulge my feelings of guilt over things that are out of my control, OR, I can look at the proof of who he is now. And the proof is that I have a super happy, super cuddly, awesome baby, who I love and who I know I have a great bond with. We have a lot of fun together, and even when it's been a long day at the end of a long week and it's almost bedtime and I'm zoning out instead of actively creating amazing memories for us both, he still crawls over to me with a big smile on his face, grabs my hair, and covers my face in big, slobbery, open mouth baby kisses. And also, he's a dancer. And that is straight up adorable.

Argh

2011-03-28T22:40:00.001-04:00

Just wrote half a blog post with my thumbs when the app just shut down without saving it. It was a good one, and I will find the motivation tomorrow to rewrite it. For now here's a tip- if you want a really good read, check out the millennium/Steig Larrson series. And for a cute baby eating an apple, lookie here

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Feast

2011-03-25T20:31:00.000-04:00

I'm working really hard, or ok, I'm working, at trying
to stay positive these days. Whether it's figuring out how to be content with being a working mom, or dealing with the day in and day outs that come along with having terrible hair (thin and frizzy?? And like 5 cowlicks along my hairline in the front!) I really do know I have it awesome compared with many, and a good attitude is a nice way to express appropriate gratitude. Plus I have found the best hair cutter/styler ever (I have no idea right now what the word is. I want to say beautician but that sounds really old. Let me grab my nylons and pocketbook, and we'll be off).

I have to admit though that it's not that hard to find the silver lining to being sick, and before anyone gets all shocked at what I'm going to write, let me first write- whatever! EVERY woman feels this way, and probably most dudes. Yeah, you know what I'm going to say right?

The weight loss. 3-4 days without eating, or when what you're eating doesn't, you know, yeah- that will give you a nice little slim down.

For me, it's two parts- one vanity and one I guess more gluttony. Yeah it's pretty sweet when you finally emerge from your den of death to discover that your clothes fit a little better. But also awesome is when your stomach finally feels better and you realize you're starving because then it's time for The Feast. The Feast is that first meal you eat once food tastes normal again and just the thought of it doesn't make your stomach lurch. And when you've got like 4 days worth of calories to make up for, you can really go for it with no guilt whatsoever!

I generally know when it's time for The Feast by the first cup of coffee. Really, the only time that I don't drink coffee all morning is when I'm sick. Not for any wellness reasons; just because it tastes terrible to me the and upsets my stomach more. But that first morning when coffee sounds good and I take that first first delicious sip- ooooh man. That's some good stuff. Sadly, but not surprisingly, the relief I feel is incredible. Plus, I know it means that it's Feast time soon!

My Feast tonight was Skyline- I hadn't had it in months, and it was fantastic. Especially since it was followed up with some of those little sugar cookies from Graters that you Cincinnati people should know about- the ones with the little dot of icing in the middle. Mmm-mmmm. Worth 3 days of nastiness? Eh, kind of.

I attempted to give Elliott his own little feast by way of some Skyline cheese, but, he wasn't too interested. Post coming soon on how my 9 month old is becoming a picky eater...who doesn't like cheese???

Signing "more" for some puffs, his current favorite food

Hey kids it's me- betcha thought that I was dead...

2011-03-23T21:44:00.001-04:00

The problem with using movie/lyric quotes in my blog is the same problem I run into in using them when I am conversing- I second guess that the reader (or listener) will get the quote, so then I make sure to write or say that it's a movie quote. And that falls about as flat as making a joke and then immediately saying, "hahaha just joking!!!!!" which I did for a long time, too. I guess I need to have more faith in either my humor or the reader's basic knowledge of late 90's pop culture. I'll try to give you all more credit in the future.

This week has SUH-UCKED. I got some kind of virus or bug or food poisoning, don't know what, but I've been in bed with a fever and aches since Monday night, and in and out of the bathroom (yeah ew) since Sunday. The fever seems to have finally broken and I feel like I have more energy but my stomach is still seriously upset.

Matt has, per usual, been awesome at doing almost all the parenting himself this week- drop offs and pick ups at the baby sitter, dinner, bed time- he even made me tomato soup tonight! And didn't complain when I ate, like, 8 spoonfuls.

I don't know what this thing is that crawled inside me and made me so miserable but so far (!!!) no one else is sick. I'm super worried that Elliott is going to get it because as much as I've tried to stay away, that's not entirely possible when you're a mom, plus on Sunday when I thought I just has an upset stomach I made and froze all the food he's been eating all week. Ech. I'm kind of wondering if it's not something contagious, maybe food poisoning of some kind? Who knows. Let's hope my tumm calms the heck down and that everyone else stays germ free.

More awesomeness coming your way soon.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011 Project Update

2011-03-16T21:49:00.000-04:00

Folks, it's been 2 and a half months of my 2011 no-buying-new project and I have to say that I'm learning a lot from it. To recap- I'm seriously, seriously curbing new purchases for an entire year. With the exception of food, toiletries and underwear, I'm purchasing only used items, or better yet, no items at all. To update- I've bought about 6 pair of socks and 5 pair underwear for myself, and I had to buy a pack of onesies for Elliott (those are really hard to come by at the second hand store). For Matt's birthday I came closest to what I would consider cheating- I went to Kenwood Mall with him, and gave him a good chunk of money to buy an iPhone. I didn't give him all the money (because that's a lot of money), but still. So he bought an iPhone4, and then, he bought me an iPhone 3GS. It was only $50, and my iPhone 3G had been running incredibly slow since the new operating system went into place with the iPhone 4G. It was working, technically, but dropping calls all the time, not getting service, barely running any apps. We signed a new family plan, I was due for an upgrade, and, I got a $120 trade in value for my old iPhone. So even though all of that sort of balances out, ehhh, I'll consider that my weakest part of the whole thing.

Why I don't feel terrible about that is because what I've been aiming for with this entire experience is true frugality: buying what I need, not what I want, and doing it in an inexpensive way. I could have gotten an iPhone 4G, but, I didn't need all that- I just needed my phone, but one that worked, so that's what I got. I know this sounds a little dramatic, but I really am seeing the world differently, and seeing the role of money in my life differently. I'm realizing that experiences and people are more important than thing. It is nice to be able to go out to dinner with some friends because I didn't spend that $40 on a couple of shirts I liked at Target. It is nice that when Matt and I got our big tax returns, compliments of our adorable little tax deduction, that we put almost all of the money towards paying off a credit card instead of buying a new tv or something.(For the record, he is not in on this plan- he spends his money however he wants- but he's Mr Green and a minimalist in most ways, so he sort of already lives this out. But it is kind of fun to be the "saver" in a relationship for once, and to see him be the "spender").

And even in the areas where I'm allowing myself to buy new things I'm doing my best to do so sparingly and only get what I need. One big example of this is shoes- I decided to allow myself to buy shoes because those really can be necessities, and I'm a little grossed out at buying used shoes from the thrift store. But guess what? I haven't bought any shoes yet! Even though I kind of need a new pair of running shoes, and even though in my moments of "I just gotta buy something" weakness I've walked right through the shoe aisle at Target and thought, "I'm doing it! I'm buying some damn shoes!". But I haven't. I look at the shoes, and the price tag and think, nope, not worth it if I don't need them. And I don't need adorable little blue ballet flats. Not until they're marked down just a few more bucks, anyway.

Just kidding. We'll see. But probably not. But maybe.

I still want to do more thrifting- I've only gone once for myself. I scored an awesome Banana Republic short trench coat for like $7, some work pants, and some clothes for Matt and Elliott. I'm feeling positive about the potential for my future trips, but, getting there is just a matter of time and coordinating with Matt. You do need to be able to spend a good amount of time at a thrift store for it to be worth it, and, going anywhere with a 9 month old does not really allow for a lot of time spent there, or at least not happily for anyone. Going to a thrift store with a 9 month old, well, would require the patience and vigilance of Jesus himself, not to mention the omnipresence. And you notice there are no Gospel accounts of Jesus in the marketplace, shopping for figs and hammers or whatever he would have bought, while trying to deal with an almost toddler.

Swings: Take 2

2011-03-15T14:35:00.000-04:00

To celebrate Daylight Saving Time Day, we took a little family walk to the playground about a half a mile from our house, and decided to try out the swings again. He seemed to enjoy them a lot more than he did during the first go round, although he still seemed to like smiling at us more than the actual swinging. He tried a new technique at first:

Then went traditional

9 Months!

2011-03-11T20:26:00.001-05:00

My Elliott Royce is 9 months old today. Although I write these update every month, and obviously I realize he's another month older every month, this one made me sentimental in a way the others haven't. I just sat and thought, as I watched him play- "I had you 9 months ago today- wow!". I thought about that day and how special it was, and how special he is, and got a little teary eyed. He's amazing.

Last night, Matt and I baby-sat for some friends who have a 4.5 month old daughter and man, did that highlight all of the developmental milestones he's reached (aka- damn our baby is noisy and into everything)! He has mastered the crawling thing, although he still gets excited and switches to "quasimodo" mode between normal crawling. Mostly he crawls himself over to some sort of support so he can stand up and walk around, or stand up and "dance" (bopping up and down and grinning), or stand up and keep trying to pull himself higher (Matt watched him grab the top of the dining room table and nearly pull himself off the ground). He loves pulling stuff off of shelves and bookcases, opening cabinets and pulling stuff out, pulling stuff off the couch, etc. He also crawls to get away from me when I'm changing him diaper, as soon as he's "free", which resulted in him peeing on the rug the other day. Whoops!

He is making noise all the time. When he sees something he likes, he shrieks, which totally freaked out our little friend last night because he really liked her. He babbles "da da" and "ba ba" and "ahhhhh!", and as you saw in the video about a week ago, he says "uh-oh" from time to time. He also loves blowing raspberries and just found out he could make a great sound by saying "ahh" loudly and clapping his hand over his mouth again and again.

Since he was about 5 months old, when we were done feeding him we were doing the sign for "all done", and only occassionally doing the sign for "more". He did "all done" just a few times, but this past month he has dropped the "all done" and gives "more" all the time. I think to him it just means "give me food", because he does it when he's hungry, between bites of food, and sometimes first thing in the morning when we go to get him out of his crib.

He still loves people but he's developed some stranger anxiety this month, so he's preferring to love them from a distance. The baby-sitter says that when her husband comes home, or if one of the other kid's dads comes in the door, he freaks out and crawls right over to her. He used to always go to whoever held his arms out to him; now he holds on tightly to me until he's ready to give them some attention. And for the first time he cried when left at the baby-sitter =( I also cannot get in the shower without him freaking out if Matt's not home, so now when I have to shower and I'm the only one there and I don't have time to wait until his nap, he gets his little tub filled up and he sits in there and plays while I shower. He really likes being in his bath, so I'm excited to take him to the pool when it gets warmer.

Let's see- he has three teeth that just poked through on top. Because he was having some sensitive stomach issues we've only added a few foods, but we've been giving him little tastes of some of our food here and there. He's now had spinach, which he seems to love, corn, and we're doing yogurt for breakfast. He also is eating these organic teething biscuits, and he loves those but ends up a total MESS. He has finally had the tiniest bite of sweets when I gave him some of the shortbread Girl Scout cookies. He was a big fan- surprise surprise! I'd give him more table food, but almost everything we make to eat at home is filled with lots of spices and pretty hot, so I want to ease him in.

That's his past month!

Elliott Royce
9 months old
26 pounds, 13 ounces; 30.25 inches long

Oh yeah, and, I totally forgot to link to my February Picassa Album, so here it is https://picasaweb.google.com/heidi.pettyjohn/FebruaryElliott#
I wasn't very good about taking my camera last month, but in March I'm already doing much better.

Excited

2011-03-10T16:40:00.000-05:00

Still working on some blog improvements, but, had a nice little surprise last night when I discovered the new editing options on blogger- do you know about those yet?? I was planning to look for a template that would allow me to have tabs at the top so that my page wouldn't look so busy, and blogger didn't have those. But then somehow I randomly started looking around the dashboard thingy, and saw the "switch to new editor" option, clicked it, and low and behold- a tab option! I have tabs!! I feel so fancy.

Some Important Blog Announcements

2011-03-09T15:10:00.005-05:00

Hello readers

I have three important blogs to announce, so get ready to update your weblog, your links, your google reader, or whatever else you use to stalk me (ha! Just kidding. Its not stalking if I want it. And I want it.)

The first is Industrious Eye, by Kate, who is from my home town and graduated from my high school a year before me. Only three posts, and I am already hooked. From her blog:

I was diagnosed with amblyopia and strabismus at the age of 3, which are both colloquially referred to as "lazy eye." I dislike the term "lazy eye" because the very phrase implies a value judgment. This blog is the story of my industrious eyes, of the work I have done and continue to do to make peace with the psychosocial implications of living with amblyopia and strabismus.

Thanks for visiting.
Kate

Check her out.

The next blog belongs to my brother,Steve, , who used to be a cop and is now something else (super secret, except, whoops, I wrote about it on my blog already. Hint: it rhymes with tef-bee-eye). He will not be writing about his work as a federal employee, but about his new life in the Dakotas. I don't remember which one, and really, does it matter? (just kidding, its North. Just kidding again, its South. But see, what's the diff?) For those of you who might have followed him before, please note he's changed the URL.

Finally, another new blog, from my sister-in-law Allison, who is married to Steve. She is also writing about being in Pierre, South Dakota, where the snow flows like wine, so check her out as well.

Also, because what kind of narcissist would I be if I only wrote about others, I will be making some changes to my blog soon that will include, among others, my own URL. Be very excited, folks.

Best of both worlds

2011-03-07T16:42:00.003-05:00

A little over a week ago, I was feeling really crummy about how not well I was pulling off this working mom thing. The week had been rough- Elliott had been fussing as his top teeth were coming through, and I was not feeling well either but had a bajillion things to do at work. So for several nights in a row I was coming home, feeling crappy, exhausted, just wanting to go to bed, dealing with a cranky baby and just not loving it. And feeling crazy guilty about that.

This past week, though, I rocked the working mom thing. It was great and I was reminded that once again, life finds a way to balance out if you just give it some time. To everything there is a season. We can work it out. Baby you were born this way. Etc, etc.

I was asked to come and speak at a conference in Kentucky, which in and of itself was an honor. It happened to be near where my parents live, so, Tuesday I packed up my baby and myself and headed down to the Lex. I took Elliott to see my grandparents, who also live down there, and we had a grand old time watching him crawl and creep and pull himself up all over their living room. I am serious when I say that from the minute we walked in the door to the minute we walked out, he did not stop moving. It was pretty hilarious. That evening, after giving Elliott his dinner I took off to do dinner with the organizers of the conference and some of the other presenters, and that night I stayed in a really nice hotel in Lexington while Elliott stayed at my mom and dad's. I felt a bit guilty about that when I was first invited to stay at the hotel, but, approximately .5 seconds after my head hitting those plush sheets and knowing I was in for a full night's sleep, I lost any trace of that guilt. Then I went to the conference, and Imma be real honest with you here- I rocked it. My presentation was great, the people in the room were interacting and into it, I got some good feedback, and overall I just felt awesome. The rest of the conference was good, too, and on the way back to my parents' house to get my kid, the sun was shining and I had the windows down and I was feeling great.

Thursday was back to work, then Friday was my work from home day, and I got a lot done both days, which was nice, too. The weekend was great, and today I got to stay home because Elliott's baby-sitter is out of town. Every time I stay home with him and I don't have to work, I venture into this other world I think of as "stay-at-home-mom-world", with play dates and trips to the mall just to get out of the house, and laundry and Dr. Phil in the background. It's pretty fun to get to have those days from time to time, and although I'd love to do it every day, or almost every day, I try not to think about that and just enjoy it. Today we went to Barnes and Noble where Elliott played on the Thomas the Train table they have in the kid's section and I, dressed in jeans and tennis shoes at noon on a Monday, had a cafe au lait and watched my baby have fun. It was bliss.